Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

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My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

Does he see other family when he is there? If it will just be him and his sm eow that would be a bit odd. But if they visit grandparents or cousins or whatever then that makes it seem more sensible.

I would continue some sort of contact, even if it's just for the day, or one weekend a month.

Do you think ds will find it unsettling to be in his dad's house when dad is not there, or will he find it comforting to be in his dad's familiar place? I guess you won't know until you try.

My lot go to their stepmum when ex is away or unavailable. Can’t get worked up about it, plus it’s their routine

I disagree that the OP's ex has not rocked the boat and also that his request is reasonable.

He wants not one but two women to hold the fort for him while he pursues a career that is not compatible with hands on parenting that is the whole point of an EOW schedule. If he values the opportunity that EOW visitation offers for establishing a consistent hands on parent/child relationship then he should find a way to be present for those weekends, to make a place for hands on parenting in his life, and should not effectively say to both of the women he has had and is currently having a relationship with that they are his handmaids.

He has rocked the boat imo, and the situation seems to me to have been amicable as long as the OP was prepared to enter into arrangements with her ex without legal representation and without recourse to the backstop of the family courts.

The decision to turn the situation nasty is his.

OP, can you just talk to his wife and see what she wants and then come to a compromise? If she wants to spend time with your DS, then I would view it as a good thing for him (you say they get on and it is continuity for him) but it might be she would be happy with just a day or no overnights but daytime access or it could be that your EXH is the one who wants the access to continue and she doesn’t.

So Mathanxiety, instead of appreciating the sacrifices our forces make for the good for all of us, you see their career choice as selfish and that men like the OP's ex do not deserve much grace when it comes to them trying to maintain some modicum of family life/bonding.

What would you have men who are in the forces who are divorced, re-married and with young children do? What do they deserve? To be castigated? Should they leave the forces? Or is it too much to ask people like the OP, who knew what his career entailed when she married him and had a child with him, to work together in the best interests of the child?

I really can't see what the big deal is. The request is reasonable, the OP should be happy to know that her Don's stepmum cares for her son and wants to spend time with him, that her ex cares enough to make arrangements that maintain his sons routine and family bonding.

Would the OP prefer that her ex not give a damn? Not have much contact with the little boy (neither him nor stepmum) while he is away? Then there would be another thread complaining about him being a terrible father.

Stop using children as opportunities to strike back in an attempt to settle old scores. Think about what's in the best interest of the boy. The OP's son is in a position that many children of divorced parents would love to be in. Three people who care about him, who want to spend time with him, and who currently have an amicable arrangements for his care.

Rock the boat of you must OP but think about the potential consequences. If you think the request would be in some ways problematic or have some detriment for you son, then don't agree to it. If he will be just fine, then let it be.

I have to disagree with you on this one maths anxiety and I often find that you speak a lot of sense.

Xdh wants one thing, op wants another. Surely the "amicable" thing is to compromise? - as long as the child involved is happy to go.

I personally think a lot of these responses are really sad. I think it’s lovely that DS will be able to maintain a good relationship with SM. Yes he will miss his brother but it’s hardly weeks at a time and I think keeping a routine will be more beneficial than sporadic contact.

It's really sad to see so much bitterness and hostility towards a Step Mum who OP States has a good relationship with her child. It should always be about the child but when adults are involved this can get forgotten.

I think if they get on and the relationship is stable then some contact but not the whole lot. Eow contact makes time at home very precious and I claw it back when my exh is away.

Otoh exh new partner resents my dds and wouldn't ever want them when he is away. Which suits me fine but it's a shame since they arnt close to being grown up!

I’d reject such an arraangement because I view ds’s time away as time he spends with his df.
I’d offer extra time when df is actually at home.

I was a step-mum years ago. In hindsight, (in fact while we were together I realised)my ex-bf was a shit dad, unconcerned and irresponsible. I did probably 90% of the childcare when DSD came, often doing the cross-country pickups and drop offs. I cared so much about her it physically hurt, I would miss her and worry about her when she was sick or unhappy. I stayed with a crap boyfriend because I didn’t want to lose her, and thankfully, once we actually split, we maintained contact and are still close now 15 odd years later. We all went to her graduation, including new spouses and kids, and ex bf has matured and mellowed with age. It is entirely possible that your DS’s stepmum loves your DS as much as I loved, and still do love, my DSS. She might not, but as he talks mostly of her, and your ex must have asked her if she wants to have him before requesting it if you, it seems like they have a nice relationship. I wasn’t the OW and I know it would upset me if it were my children now, so I understand why you feel reluctant, but it could be the right thing to stick to your son’s routine and keep someone who cares about him in regular contact. If your ex goes away and you maintain the contact agreement, you’ll have to deal with her more often, so I would start now with a direct conversation with her. You’ll gauge her feelings towards your DS and it may help to put you at ease. It would cost me a lot to be civil to an OW,but these things must be done for the sake of children and their emotional wellbeing. The bond between you and your DS will not be fractured by his close relationships with others, think of her like and auntie or grandparent or someone that children see regularly and enjoy being with, but can’t overshadow your own bond with your son. I know it’s hard, I don’t forgive and forget easily at all, but I would like to think I do what’s right by my children, so I would find this a difficult situation too.

If your DS was 8 or 9 and had a strong opinion that would be one thing but at this age you are the parent and need to make the decisions on his behalf, and 4’isntoo young to be letting him stay with a stranger.

I'd let him go to her. They have a good relationship and it's his routine. She is his step mum.

What is the problem with suggesting a compromise? Op will have to monitor this and therefore needs handover to and from step mum. They need to start speaking now, it may go smoothly. If not, you tried. If he can't see that going to his wife is not the same as going to him he's an idiot, but it's reasonable to want to let him go to dads house if it is ok to do so.