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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 28/12/2018 02:46

hold up.... fallen in love with an american in Dubai?
does that mean shes in Dubai now?
sorry if i missed it and they now live in the UK

Earthmover · 28/12/2018 05:27

Why would any parent feel obliged to hand their kid over to anyone that is not biologically related for an extended period of time?

They grow up quick. If he's not available and you want to take advantage of that extra time, I'd imagine your kids more than happy to oblige.
Tell him to go suck on a big fat one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2018 07:06

I’d say access, yes to keep up continiuity if his wife is a big part of your ds’s life. But keep your ds with you overnights unless he really really wants to be with his stepmum alone. It will be nice for your children to have time together without the break.

Canibuildasnowman · 28/12/2018 07:18

It would be a no way from me, not at 4 years old. Regardless of the affair, he’s little has no half sibs to bond at his dads and has a brother at home to be with. The disruption is coming from ex’s job not you. Letting her visit or have some contact seems a good compromise. I doubt the 4 year old will be begging to stay with here every other weekend with daddy gone.

SnowsInWater · 28/12/2018 08:52

Please get some proper legal advice as, as usual on MN when it comes to issues like this, a lot of people are talking absolute crap. The "just say no" brigade clearly are not lawyers. I totally get your perspective but that's not how it works unless yourself and your ex agree. Good luck.

Weightsandmeasures · 28/12/2018 09:00

Understandably, a lot of emotional responses and sadly they do not accord with the legal rights of your ex. You cannot unilaterally decide "no". Get legal advice because if you take onboard the "just say no" advice you'll land yourself in hot water if he decides to take you to task on this.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 09:15

Why would any parent feel obliged to hand their kid over to anyone that is not biologically related for an extended period of time?

I don’t feel obliged. I would far rather an extra weekend with my daughter. However what I want isn’t important, what is important is what’s best for my DD.

Plus one doesn’t have to be “biologically related” to have a meaningful, long term and positive relationship with a child. An invested step-parent is a wonderful thing.

Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 09:47

How sad that so many parents just can't fathom the idea that their child may love a biologically unrelated person just as much as them. It may be a different type of love, but it's still important to the child , it would be unkind to just stop because of the lack of blood connection.

I understand it is an unusual situation but it shouldn't just be a 'no, that's not happening'. Yes, initial contact is just about the child and the parent, but when there is another 'parent' on the scene for a long time and they have built a bond with the child then the initial contact does evolve into something else. I don't think the lack of half-siblings makes their relationship less important to maintain. I couldn't imagine not seeing my DSD just because my husband is away and I'm pretty confident DSD would feel the same.

I also think that because the dad and SM started their relationship as an affair it does cloud people's judgement. Completely understand that feeling, but surely enough time has gone by now for them to have shown commitment to be a family.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:52

How sad to think someone a child sees eow (and who may have little to to do with the child for all we know) is somehow loved as much as the mother and brother he sees 90% of his time. If you’re on equal state to someone he sees less than a random nursery worker you’ve failed as a parent

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:53

4/30 days a week with this woman and you think he loves her as much as his mother?

SharedLife · 28/12/2018 09:53

JacquesHammer I think your DC is very lucky that you are so objective and focussed on their happiness.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 09:53

If you’re on equal state to someone he sees less than a random nursery worker you’ve failed as a parent

The fact that my DD loves her step-mother and has a positive, loving relationship makes me think I’ve done a damn good job as a parent. As has my ex, as has her step-mum.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 09:54

Thank you SharedLife what a lovely thing to say 😊

Sinisers · 28/12/2018 09:55

Try to negotiate amicably with your ex. He may agree to let you have DS whilst he's away- give his new wife a bit of a break to relax etc.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 09:55

it require no effort on your part but I’m glad you get that kind of confidence from your child having nice step mother

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 09:56

it require no effort on your part but I’m glad you get that kind of confidence from your child having nice step mother

You were the one who suggested parents who value their child’s time with a step-parent had “failed”.
Grin

Sinisers · 28/12/2018 09:57

Jacques

Does your child spend a lot of time with her step mum? Different in OP's situation as the child doesn't really know the wife or have a bond.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 09:58

Does your child spend a lot of time with her step mum? Different in OP's situation as the child doesn't really know the wife or have a bond

Has the OP said that? She said they have the child EOW which suggests they do spend a decent amount of time with the child. We have a similar schedule.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:01

You were the one who suggested parents who value their child’s time with a step-parent had “failed”.

No, I didn't.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:02

Has the OP said that? She said they have the child EOW which suggests they do spend a decent amount of time with the child.

Is 4 days out of a month a decent amount of time?

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:04

Can’t help feeling this is rather a sensitive subject for you Guacatrole and you’re projecting.

My DD sees her step-mother less than a teacher. She absolutely adores her. It would be utterly pathetic of me to remove that relationship for my desire to see my child extra. I’d love to have her full time, but that would be selfish.

As it is she’s lucky enough to have three parents who adore her.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:04

Is 4 days out of a month a decent amount of time?

I think so, yes.

Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 10:05

Wow...that isn't sad at all! How odd. By that logic you are saying that the Dad doesn't love the child as much as the Mum and Brother seeing as that it is only EOW contact. EOW is not a lot but over time it adds up and meaningful relationships with a step-parent can also be built on that. It's actually a good thing...

AllStar14 · 28/12/2018 10:07

I think I'd be OK with this. If your child has a good relationship with her and is used to being with her EOW why not? I think it's quite nice that the the step-mother wants to continue the arrangement.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:07

Can’t help feeling this is rather a sensitive subject for you Guacatrole and you’re projecting.

No, no skin in this game. You on the other hand seem desperate to play cool mum so if we're playing arm chair psychologist I guess it's you?

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