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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
InTheBirdBox · 28/12/2018 10:28

Guacatrole well then perhaps if OP thinks it would be beneficial to her son (putting aside own feelings towards the woman), they could make an effort to discuss it with each other and reach some form of compromise that works best for her son.

If OPs son wants to see his SM/there is any feeling that it would be best for him to maintain his contact then the adults should be doing what they can to make it happen in some form. Possibly not a full weekend if OP is uncomfortable with that but something.

ToeToToe · 28/12/2018 10:28

We could get another post next week from a pissed off step mother saying her DH has demanded she keep up eow while he is deployed because it is his time.

Well that's certainly true - I've seen many AIBUs from second wives who are expected to do collections/childcare for their stepchildren when it's inconvenient or difficult for them.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:28

As for ds, he is my world and for those that have suggested I am selfish or don’t want the best for him...consider would I have posted trying to seek different points of view or would I have just shut the barriers down and demanded what my gut wanted?

It's obvious you care OP.

What's your relationship with like with the SM? Can you speak to her yourself? It's a good idea for them to have some contact (if she wants it) but maybe no over nights? She could visit? Or yes, she may well want to go home but be guilted in to waiting around for your ex.

MissMalice · 28/12/2018 10:29

There is no court order, so there is no entitlement to anything, but even if there was, the contact order would be in favour of the father, not his wife, and the obligation would be upon OP to allow only contact with the father and not whoever the father decides.

I often feel like family law would be better if it wasn’t adversarial and didn’t involve lawyers who have no obligation to be child focused, only to argue for what their client wants.

The former President of the Family Division said himself that to only include parents in who the child has a right to see is a failing. There’s no reason it shouldn’t include other family members.

Urbanbeetler · 28/12/2018 10:30

If I were in the fathers shoes, I would want to maintain the contact through my wife to keep a bond with my young child over the three enforces months- he is in the forces so it has to be part of his life. During that contact, I would know someone was talking about me to the child. Reinforcing that I was missing them and when I would be back. I would know that my child was sleeping in his bed at my house regularly, seeing photos of me and hopefully having the opportunity to meet with cousins and grandparents on my side. And above all, I would be hoping that the bond between my child and his step parent continued to grow.

Refusing contact in these circumstances if there is no real reason why it shouldn’t happen is not reasonable. It’s not as if he has buggered off because he can’t be bothered with his child.

InTheBirdBox · 28/12/2018 10:32

As for ds, he is my world and for those that have suggested I am selfish or don’t want the best for him

I don't think you're selfish OP. You're on here asking for opinions rather than saying a blanket yes or no. Considering something you would rather not do is not selfish.

I think posters who just say 'no, he's not her baby' without even considering the possibility your son may want to see her are the selfish ones.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:32

If I were in the fathers shoes, I would want to maintain the contact through my wife to keep a bond with my young child over the three enforces months- he is in the forces so it has to be part of his life. During that contact, I would know someone was talking about me to the child. Reinforcing that I was missing them and when I would be back. I would know that my child was sleeping in his bed at my house regularly, seeing photos of me and hopefully having the opportunity to meet with cousins and grandparents on my side. And above all, I would be hoping that the bond between my child and his step parent continued to grow.

With the exception of sleeping in his bed I'm sure the OP does all that anwya. It's normal parenting.

Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 10:33

ttmb You are being a great mum. You should be proud of yourself, the fact that your son feels confident enough to be open with you about his loving relationship with his SM is fab. You all seem to be searching for the correct way to handle this situation but coming from different angles. A proper sit-down conversation with all parties might be useful?

daisychain01 · 28/12/2018 10:33

No to new wife. She can have her own baby.

Oh please! You're talking about human beings here. Not a pet dog.

MissMalice · 28/12/2018 10:33

Your bond with him would be no less precious for allowing him to continue his relationship with his stepmum, OP. In fact as the years go on, you may find it strengthens your bond as he sees you are able to put what he wants ahead of what you want. It sounds like he has a really positive relationship with this woman. It would be a shame to lose that and even more so to start down a path that could become hostile.

I hope you’re able to work something out with his Dad and SM that works for you all.

Onehellofaride · 28/12/2018 10:37

When exDP was away I dropped DS off to spend an afternoon with his partner every few weeks however if DH went away now I would continue to have DSS as normal EOW however we have been together for 12 years and have other DC together.

Laloup1 · 28/12/2018 10:37

I see from the step-parents board how tough it is to move on from the OW becoming the step-parent. You sound really focussed on what’s right and good for your child.
I am a stepmum to a four year old. She and I have a lovely relationship and do have a fair amount of one-on-one time together but I think she would be absolutely mystified as to why she would be leaving her mum and siblings to come to stay with me EOW if her dad wasn’t there. She’s really family orientated and I’m not first-line family in her eyes!!
In the circumstances you describe I’d really want to keep up contact - I think it would work well to take her out for little treats like swimming / out for tea etc. So she knows I’m still there for her (and I’d miss her otherwise). And I’m sure we’d face time her dad together so she can feel our family unit still all together too.
I’d be happy to have her for overnights if it worked for everyone (babysitting for you!) but (for her anyway) I think it would be confusing and de-stabilising to do EOWs.

TheBigBangRocks · 28/12/2018 10:42

On his contact time he can arrange whoever he likes to look after his child just like you can when you have him. Presumably you leave him with your new partner so it's no different.

Your ex is an equal parent, there's no difference between him and you. Both are able to make decisions for their child.

A three month gap of no visits is going to be hard for a child, surely you'd make it as easy as possible for him given he has a good relationship with his other family.

Chathamhouserules · 28/12/2018 10:43

This isn't a bit controlling of your ex, what if his wife wanted to go home to the states and visit her family? This way you are all tied to one another whilst he is away?
Why would you assume that she hasn't agreed?
I think if he has a good relationship with her, as you say, then you should prob continue the eow visits. It's important they gave a nice bond.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:45

OP was your ex in the military when you were together?

Chocolate1984 · 28/12/2018 10:48

I would keep the contact going. It’s part of his routine, she is part of his family and I think stopping it for 3 months will do more harm than good in terms of stability, routine, confusion.

Unless you have doubts about her ability then I would continue with EOW.

Jenny17 · 28/12/2018 10:49

From your last post it's even more a no. Piease get legal advice.

Sirzy · 28/12/2018 10:50

How do you get it as even more a no from
The last post? The last post to me made it more clear that the best thing for the child is to keep some level of regular contact

TheDarkPassenger · 28/12/2018 10:51

My son has regular contact with step mum while his dads at work, so I’m in the pro column. Good routine and a perfect time for them to properly bond. I’ve got a veryyyyy blended family (1 son who has contact with birth mum at maternal grandparents house, 1 son who sees his birth father and 1 kid with partner of 6 years) so I don’t know if that affects it but my kids have got parents all over the bloody place and it’s great for support and for them, they’ve all got relationships with each other’s step parents, parents, grandparents etc. As far as I see it why is 2 parents over 4 preferable?

Obviously like I say though, i am biased as I can’t really see the logic in any other way

Isadora2007 · 28/12/2018 10:53

OP you are being so reasonable here considering all the options and what’s best for your little boy. So well done for that as you can see from here so many other people make snap judgements and dont put their child first.
Instead of seeing it as time spent apart from his brother and you guys- I would see it as maintaining a “norm” for your son so he doesn’t struggle when his dad returns, and he can Skype his dad or see his grandparents etc in that time. You can also have some 1-1 time with your other son as he won’t get that much being the younger child. Perhaps for the 3 months it could be one night instead of two? As a kind of compromise? Or some of the weekends could be at least?

TheDarkPassenger · 28/12/2018 10:53

Oh and myself and sons father had an awful relationship with cheating on both sides, but we’ve both overcome it and there are no threats with any relationships

Original poster
ttmb · 28/12/2018 10:53

@guacatrole

Yes he was military before too

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 10:56

Jenny17 How are you getting even more of a no from the update post? Are you picking on the one sentence He comes home saying he’s had a good time even though he after doesn’t want to go ? My DSD went through a similar stage for both parents, she didn't want to go back to Mum sometimes, it doesn't mean anything.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:56

Is this the first time he has been delpyed since you split? What have you done in the past?

TwistedStitch · 28/12/2018 11:01

On his contact time he can arrange whoever he likes to look after his child just like you can when you have him.

Yes, if he picks up his child from OP for his contact he can then leave them in the care of whoever he pleases. In the absence of a court order he cannot just demand OP sends her child off with a person he nominates when he isn't even in the country for 3 months!

OP I think agreeing to a few meet ups here and there would be a good compromise. It would be different if he had a sibling at their house but I think his time with you and his brother is more important.

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