Page 6 | Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:08

You on the other hand seem desperate to play cool mum so if we're playing arm chair psychologist I guess it's you?

Ah. Nothing more to add than the tedious “cool” jibe. A less puerile line of discussion is probably more useful?

Is it cool to be happy with what’s best for your child? So shoot me.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:09

I think it's quite nice that the the step-mother wants to continue the arrangement.

We don't actually know that though.

We could get another post next week from a pissed off step mother saying her DH has demanded she keep up eow while he is deployed because it is his time.

Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 10:09

I also said that it's a different type of love to an actual parent but it can be just as important to the child

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:09

Ah. Nothing more to add than the tedious “cool” jibe. A less puerile line of discussion is probably more useful?

Where as "you're projecting" is so underused.

InTheBirdBox · 28/12/2018 10:10

There seem to be some rather selfish views on this thread.

It isn't about whether or not SM is a biological parent or has any legal right to see OPs son. It's about what is best for OPs son. Not anyone else.

If DS enjoys his time at his dad's and has a good relationship with his SM I think at least maintaining some form of contact would be beneficial for him. She isn't just a revolving door style relationship as some posters have suggested, she is his wife and likely to be in your son's life for a long time. If they have a positive relationship already there is nothing wrong with encouraging that for your son's sake regardless of what went on between the adults in the situation.

She can have her own baby

What a truly stupid thing to say. If my children had a stepmother I'd want to know they were thought of as part of the family whichever household they were in. Step mother's aren't trying to steal your babies for God sake people like you would also be the first to scream 'burn the witch' if there was even a hint of exclusion from a step mother.

Some mother's act so defensively at the thought of another woman even thinking about treating their child well, it's hardly putting your child first is it!

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:10

Where as "you're projecting" is so underused

Well given your bizarre - and apparently unfounded - comments it was a reasonable assumption.

Maybe improve your debating style and make it clearer

CarolDanvers · 28/12/2018 10:11

I agree with your posts @Guacatrole.

It's good that everything is so positive and everyone so full of love and adoration in your specific situation @JacquesHammer but it's not like that for everyone and step parents are not equal to actual parents, which you seem to be saying. For OP and her situation it sounds like there's no particularly tight bond there and the step mother is, to OP, just someone her ex left her for and she now has to share her child with. There's no need for him t go there if his Dad isn't there. Some contact, yes, if the child wants it, but not overnights or full weekends.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:13

For OP and her situation it sounds like there's no particularly tight bond there and the step mother is, to OP, just someone her ex left her for and she now has to share her child with

Doen it? The OP doesn’t appear to have clarified.

CarolDanvers · 28/12/2018 10:15

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

The OP seems pretty clear don't you think?

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:15

If this was a debate and not a MN thread responding to a poster, I'm not sure "I'm besties with my kid's step mum so you should be too" would be the clear winner.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:16

The OP seems pretty clear don't you think?

Given it doesn’t give any information about the quality of the child’s relationship with the step-mother, then no...

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:16

If this was a debate and not a MN thread responding to a poster, I'm not sure "I'm besties with my kid's step mum so you should be too" would be the clear winner

Jolly useful I didn’t say that then

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:17

The op and the woman clearly don't have a great relationship as they don't seem to be discussing it amongst themselves at all. It's a completely different situation to some people on this thread.

Bluebell878275 · 28/12/2018 10:17

There is no mention of the bond, or lack-of, between the child and SM in that post?

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:18

Do people actually say Jolly though? Or have you been on to see the new Marry Poppins film? Is it any good? Not sure she can compete with the original but I'm curious.

InTheBirdBox · 28/12/2018 10:19

The op and the woman clearly don't have a great relationship

The relationship between OP and SM is not the one that should matter most here...

InTheBirdBox · 28/12/2018 10:20

Guacatrole also turning to insults instead of actually making your point isn't helpful to a debate.

Collaborate · 28/12/2018 10:21

@Santaisonthesherry
If eow is his time then he can decide who has his dc if it cannot be himself.

Not only not the answer OP wanted, but also not correct.

There is no court order, so there is no entitlement to anything, but even if there was, the contact order would be in favour of the father, not his wife, and the obligation would be upon OP to allow only contact with the father and not whoever the father decides.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 10:22

Or have you been on to see the new Marry Poppins film? Is it any good? Not sure she can compete with the original but I'm curious

Waiting for it to be out on dvd, I don’t go to the cinema. Wait a few months and I’ll happily review for you.

Unless you’d like the step-mum’s review? Her and DD and DD’s grandmother are seeing it on Sunday

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 10:22

The relationship between OP and SM is not the one that should matter most here...^

If my child is going to be alone with someone for 2 days I think my relationship with them is pretty important. Don't you?

PinkGinFreak · 28/12/2018 10:23

I am a step mum to my husbands 2 boys. When my husband went away for several weeks he still wanted me to have the boys our usual half week shared care arrangement because:
That was the regular routine for the boys;
They loved me;
I loved them;
It would not have benefitted the boys to stop contact with me just because their dad wasn't there, I'm a competent step mum, have own kids now but didn't at the time. Would have just caused heartache all round especially for the boys who would not have understood.
If the step mum is a decent person and the child likes her and the dad wants contact to continue there's no real reason why it shouldnt imo.

Stormy76 · 28/12/2018 10:23

This isn't a bit controlling of your ex, what if his wife wanted to go home to the states and visit her family? This way you are all tied to one another whilst he is away? I don't really see any justification for the continued visits whilst the father is not there, perhaps you should contact her direct and find out what she would like to do?

Yulebealrite · 28/12/2018 10:23

It’s very simple. Would your ds like to see his sm for a regular (but shorter) period of time? Would he miss her and his visits to her house if he didn’t go?

They are the only considerations in this scenario. Everything else is irrelevant.

Stormy76 · 28/12/2018 10:23

Is not isn't

Original poster

ttmb · 28/12/2018 10:24

Thank you so much for everyone putting in their opinion. What it has shown me is there really is no easy answer to what is the right thing to do here.

On the one hand it seems like I would fail as a mother to not fight for that extra time with my ds as his bond with me is the most precious. Not to forget the bond with his brother as they miss each other so much and the bond with his (step) Daddy who has looked after him since he was 8 months old and who arguably has the most respect from ds out of all the adults in his life. Daddy is often the coolest huh?! But hey that’s another thread.

On the other hand yes he does seem to get on with sm very well, better than exp tbh. It’s her he tends to talk about more than him. He comes home saying he’s had a good time even though he after doesn’t want to go. I really doubt she’s a flight risk! Hadn’t even considered that one but as he doesn’t currently hold a passport and they are both reasonably respectable (yes yes I know you can never be sure) I would like to think she wouldn’t be that daft. They have now been together for nearly four years, are married and planning a baby themselves so again I know you never know but I doubt there will be a parade of new women despite his actions to me.

I am fearful that if I fight for that extra time now it will cause hostility and that is definitely not the best for ds. So far everything has been negotiated with us alone and wishing to keep it that way.

As for ds, he is my world and for those that have suggested I am selfish or don’t want the best for him...consider would I have posted trying to seek different points of view or would I have just shut the barriers down and demanded what my gut wanted?

OP posts: