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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
MissMalice · 27/12/2018 22:47

How on Earth have we jumped from a child maintaining a relationship and routine to being abducted? That’s some serious paranoia.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:47

The wife can sponsor him to come to America but he absolutely would not be able to take th child with him. America is a signatory and (stickler for) Hague convention on child abduction. Also ex is military so can’t just fuck off that easily

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2018 22:50

That’s some serious paranoia

Sadly some of us have reason to be paranoid.

InACloudOfGlitter · 27/12/2018 22:51

I would say no. But
Are you going to ensure that your child and ex remain in contact whilst he is away?
Are
You going to make sure your child has some contact with your ex's wife? Like it or not she is the step mother, and for the sake of the child
It may be beneficial you child has some contact with them.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 22:56

Sadly some of us have reason to be paranoid.

But not reason to project that all over this thread.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2018 22:56

The H, sponsored by the wife, could immigrate to the US and could go to court to have custody awarded or to establish summer visitation or visitation during all school holidays with him in the US.

It wouldn't necessarily be a case of abduction but the OP could end up not seeing her child for long stretches in order to accommodate the relationship choices of her exH.

Equally, they could both move to Dubai ling term if exH resigned from the army. There are security related jobs in the ME that pay well.

OP, you need legal advice about scenarios involving your exH living somewhere other than the UK.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2018 22:57

MissMalice, the alternative view that nothing could possibly go wrong is equally projection.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:58

Op are you a single parent? Let your ex know that won’t be the case forever. If you go away on weekend with friends or a holiday does he want you to leave your dc with your partner or him?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 27/12/2018 22:58

Dear god, now the step mother is planning on abducting her step son to Dubai. What hysterics.

If the op stops contact with the fathers family just because he is doing RAF stuff for 3 months. He might very well have to go to family court upon return. Possibly asking for increased contact to make up for that denied. And in the process making sure his wife is legally allowed to continue with the contact for any future periods of work.

Way to create hostility, I am sure that will make the sons life better.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2018 23:00

But not reason to project that all over this thread

Without knowing my experiences - or those of other people - you can’t possibly know that.

I have directed the OP to a site where she can get help if she feels she needs it. Better paranoid than dealing with the worst case scenario.

ILoveChristmasLights · 27/12/2018 23:01

No way. If my child wanted to see her I would facilitate it, but I would not keep up this EOW arrangement. Anyway, why is HE asking for it, not her?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2018 23:04

And in the process making sure his wife is legally allowed to continue with the contact for any future periods of work

It is highly unlikely a court would order contact with a step parent for extended periods. The odd weekend where the ex works and would still see his child in the evenings/mornings, absolutely. But three months absence and ordering a step parent to care? I am not sure it would even be possible to do that unless the step mother made the application. And it would be something to get a step parent application heard anyway.

Justbackfromnewwine · 27/12/2018 23:06

What’s in your son’s best interests?

It’s easier said than done, but that should be what you and your exp are considering.

My first reaction was no, that’s weird and contact is not about the step mum by I suppose it might help your son maintain the routine of going to his dads while he’s away, and in your ExP’s mind maintain contact with his family unit. How they got together etc shouldn’t come into it really.
But yes obviously only if your son is happy and the step mum figure wants to!

Nonomore3 · 27/12/2018 23:10

I suppose my question is why does the stepmother want to see him? What did they say? Is it because they’ll miss each other? Or Because they’re worried he’ll lose sense of routine and forget about his second home? Or is it more because they fought hard to get eow weekend established and fear changing it?

(We had to fight so hard to get my stepdaughter just eow that we wouldn’t want to change it as we would worry it wouldn’t go back to eow after. If this scenario involved my husband’s ex she would say at the end of 3 months “DD has got used to being at home now, she needs time to adjust to staying at yours again” and it would take months to get back on track for overnights.

As a stepmum, despite really liking DSD, I would have no desire to see her if my DH was away. That time should be spent with her mother. As their weekends are split spending time with biological parents trumps all else I would say.

Obviously if DSD wanted to be with me I would agree. Also, if step-siblings existed that also would have an impact.

Long rambling answer there but am curious as to what explanation they gave for their request...

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 23:13

Op there is a section called forces sweethearts on MN might have people who know for certain?

Allthewaves · 27/12/2018 23:16

I would keep some form of routine of going to his dad's and stepmums house.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 27/12/2018 23:32

I was going to say no originally but then thought about it and I suppose depends on circumstances.
We have stepson every single weekend, if DH went away for 3 months there isn't a chance in hell we (me, his sister and grandparents) would accept not seeing stepson for 3 months just cos dad wasn't there.
My stepson is 9 tho, and he would want to still come as normal. We'd maybe be more flexible and Mum would have more days, but still, he's part of our family and it would be weird to stop contact just cos dad wasn't here.
Again though, this is based on my own unique set of circumstances

JustThisTimeAgain · 27/12/2018 23:33

@Jenny17

:No. Do not do this without obtaining legal advice. Remember she is American, you do not want future custody battles. No to new wife. She can have her own baby."

WTF does her being American have to do with it??? Confused

freshfoodpeople · 27/12/2018 23:42

No way!

What happens when the dad decides to cheat on this wife as well and take up with a new woman? Is the little boy supposed to keep spending his time with a parade of random women whenever his dad goes away?

Jenny17 · 28/12/2018 00:23

@justthistimeagain

It's been explained several times upthread. One scenario is American woman may want to go back to USA at some stage. Whilst it's unlikely OP should be prepared especially given this unusual request for solo contact. It's the type of relationship that could strengthen any case that is very unlikely to occur.

We should think of the child's best interest, no matter how much the child likes/loves this woman they will prefer to be with mum or dad or his biological family. It's different if you don't have one but he does.

In respect to routine we all have to start the new school year after weeks off and still manage this is not a good reason.

It's not reasonable do not do anything you are not comfortable with.

Magentaorwagenta · 28/12/2018 00:25

I've been there done that wirh court.

It's his time to do as he pleases with his son.

The courts view access to the paternal family as more important than other concerns about who what where etc.

It's wrong and not in the best interests of th child imo.

It's yet another shit thing about being a separated parent.. hugs op Flowers xx

ToeToToe · 28/12/2018 00:32

I would say no.

Stupomax · 28/12/2018 00:40

I don't think there's a blanket right or wrong answer in this situation.

I was the child in a similar situation so I have a lot of experience of it. It really does depend on so many factors.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2018 00:54

It's what's right for this child that is used to a routine where he sees someone he loves. To take that away IS cruel to HIM.

The OP is better placed than us to decide what's cruel and what isn't. She also said he's very attached to his younger brother and misses him when he is away. But nothing can be done about that, because he should see his father. Some of you are missing the point that the largest part of the child's routine IS his father. That routine will be messed up regardless of what the OP does.

If the op stops contact with the fathers family just because he is doing RAF stuff for 3 months. He might very well have to go to family court upon return. Possibly asking for increased contact to make up for that denied.

She's not denying him contact. He literally won't be there. He's denying it himself. And a spouse with no shared siblings even is not on the same footing as blood family.

And again, we don't know if she even wants this responsibility for three months. OP hasn't mentioned that. All we know is that he wants his wife to do it, and we don't know why. Because it's "his" time and it must be fulfilled, like the boy is a shared toy? Maybe even because he wants to know his wife is going to be tied to the house for at least two weekends a month? It could be anything.

Itisnearlybedtimeyet · 28/12/2018 02:06

NO WAY