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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/12/2018 21:03

Isn't it his responsibility to provide childcare for when he is working and it his access? Or when he returns are you going to say ok I have had him every weekend for 3 months you now get him every weekend for 3 months.

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 21:04

So hard and want to do the right thing for my Son

I would think keeping the routine would be far preferable for your son.

Purpleartichoke · 27/12/2018 21:05

You want “right of first refusal”. That means if the child is being left for a significant amount of time, say 4+ hours, the other parent has the option to claim the time and provide care for the child.

Original poster
ttmb · 27/12/2018 21:07

easterholidays

He communicates more like a three year old when it comes to things like this (yet can name every dinosaur known to man - go figure)
I totally agree it should be best for him hence seeking advice. My gut feeling was to say no to the usual arrangement but maybe some compromise for less regular contact.

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 27/12/2018 21:07

It wasn't because they were gps - but simply because I had no right to say what he did with dc in his time. Same as he got lashed for always booking activities on my contact days.

Milkmachine15 · 27/12/2018 21:08

Maybe agree to one night every other weekend and then you and your other dc can have a bit of 1-1 time while ds still gets to spend a bit of time with step mum?

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 21:08

My gut feeling was to say no to the usual arrangement but maybe some compromise for less regular contact

If that would make it difficult to then increase back to every other weekend, that isn’t best for your son.

If she’s a loving parent, let her carry on the contact.

Vampiratequeen · 27/12/2018 21:09

I understand where your coming from OP, but wouldn't it be better to keep the routine of him going there. Could you meet them half way and instead of it being a weekend he goes for just 24 hours? Surely he will be unsettled enough with his dad being away for 3 months without upsetting his routine as well.

Thewifipasswordis · 27/12/2018 21:11

Nope. I wouldn't let it happen. She is not his parent or a primary caregiver.

Original poster
ttmb · 27/12/2018 21:12

Wildly polar opposite views on this so far!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 21:12

She is not his parent or a primary caregiver

If there are no concerns I find that attitude so sad.

Original poster
ttmb · 27/12/2018 21:14

JacquesHammer

Would it be unfair to ask if you have experience of a split family that fuels your opinion?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/12/2018 21:15

Would it be unfair to ask if you have experience of a split family that fuels your opinion?

I have a DD who has a step-mother.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 21:15

Why shouldn’t he go, OP?
And how does that balance against the loss of relationship with his dad and his step mum and also the huge change in routine and then a further change when Dad returns?

How do you separate what you want from what your child wants?

How about agreeing to keep the routine as is for the first 4-6 weeks and then review?

RandomMess · 27/12/2018 21:15

I would let him go for the weekend or an overnight every 3rd or 4th weekend to keep the routine and relationship going. Plenty of Skype time with Dad.

It's positive that his step mum still would like him to come for contact, how many parents wish their ex's spouse enjoyed their DC company enough to welcome them?

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 21:16

Not Jacques but I share her opinion. I have two DC who have a stepmother, and she was also the OW.

Bombardier25966 · 27/12/2018 21:19

If this went to court it would be decided what was in the best interests of the child. There is case law allowing a step parent access even after the breakdown of their marriage to the biological father.

This isn't about individual views, it's about what a court would decide. If there is already some bond there, and if a break in the relationship with her would damage the relationship with the father and his family unit, then the court would allow some contact.

billybagpuss · 27/12/2018 21:21

I understand why so many people are saying no way and why you don’t want to. but I think for continuity for your DS you should seriously consider it. He is at an age where these things will start to become clear and if he had 3 months with no contact at all it’s going to be very strange and difficult for him when it starts up again.

Do you get on ok with her? I would maybe try and organise the same weekends but maybe less time over them say perhaps 1 day instead of 2 so he maintains familiarity and continuity.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/12/2018 21:27

Why not give it a try for a set period and review how it goes? It doesn't sound like you think the stepmother is cruel or neglectful, just not his biological parent.
If the child becomes distressed or reluctant to go then you would have a good, solid reason to put a stop to the arrangement, but just refusing might make you seem unreasonable to a court.

DailyMailFail101 · 27/12/2018 21:30

NO WAY! Skype and phone calls great but i wouldn’t be up for anything else. Your arrangement is with your sons father not his wife, if he and his wife split you wouldn’t continue to let him see her.

hollyhaphazard · 27/12/2018 21:31

What's his relationship like with her? Taking a child away from an adult they love is always unreasonable.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 21:32

Taking a child away from an adult they love is always unreasonable.

This is what it boils down to for me.

easterholidays · 27/12/2018 21:33

@ttmb Fair enough, apologies for making assumptions.

You sound like you really do want what's best for him, which is great. What's your relationship with his stepmother like? Could you agree to an arrangement with her which you can review during the time your son's dad is away and change if either of you wants to?

Jenny17 · 27/12/2018 21:36

No. Do not do this without obtaining legal advice. Remember she is American, you do not want future custody battles. No to new wife. She can have her own baby.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/12/2018 21:36

YOU say you want the best for your son.
hAs your son been having regular contact with his dad and partner for a number of years? IF so, stopping that contact isn’t the best thing for your son and you are stopping contact as a punishment to him, but ultimately punishing your son, and likely him to boot.
Whatever you say is an excuse to punish your ex and it doesn’t look good. I understand you were hurt and betrayed and it must be awful to have to be the better person.... maybe yet again... but if you really want the best for your son, it s maintaining the pattern he has.

Unless you have reason to doubt her ability to care for him.