Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Raf wants his spouse to have access whilst he’s away

214 replies

ttmb · 27/12/2018 20:40

My ex left me and my ds at 4 months having fallen in love with an American in Dubai, he is now 4 yrs old and sees him every other weekend. He goes away for three months soon and wants this arrangement to continue with his wife looking after him but I can’t see that being reasonable?! Why should I let another woman have all that time with my son when I could be catching up on precious lost time. Thoughts?!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 27/12/2018 21:36

Do you think it would make contact when his father is at home easier for your DS if he has spent some time with his stepmother while his father is away?

Do you feel like she would be kind and affectionate to him?

Do you think she would be happy to have this contact?

If the answer is yes to all of those, it sounds like it could be in your DS's best interests to maintain some sort of contact. It may not need to be EOW or overnight. You should make that judgement.

It is possible that a court would order you to send him so I would offer something if I felt it would be a positive experience.

I know that isn't what you wanted to hear but, while it's a voluntary arrangement, you retain some control.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 27/12/2018 21:38

Just because the dad has to work, you are going to unilaterally overrule his parental rights/responsibilities, disrupt contact and stop your DC from seeing their fathers family?

Why do you think this is your decision to make? your child has two biological parents.

Whilst normally only biological parents can have legally enforced contact, once a parent has that contact it is for them to do with as they please (within reason). The father has contact and the legal right to allow his family to look after his child during that contact time.

So YABVU and selfish, its only twice a month. Love your children more than you hate your ex.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/12/2018 21:38

Sorry ...” likely confusing him to boot” that should read

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 27/12/2018 21:39

100% no! It's him who has the access, not her. I definitely wouldn't. If he's that worried about keeping the continuity going then he shouldn't be going away for three months - his choice!

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 27/12/2018 21:42

Also, I would have alarm bells ringing. What if this is a plan to take your son to Dubai, if that is where he is going? The stepmother can always come and visit your son with you present.

Lovemusic33 · 27/12/2018 21:43

It’s your choice not his. I had contact with my step children without their father being present and I don’t see it as a problem but then it depends on the situation. Would your ds even want to go without his father being there?

You should do what you feel is best for your ds and not what your ex wants you to do.

MissMalice · 27/12/2018 21:47

It's him who has the access, not her.
Wrong. It’s the child who has the right to spend time with his family.

What if this is a plan to take your son to Dubai
The stepmother cannot remove the child from the country without the permission of everyone who has parental responsibility.

Sirzy · 27/12/2018 21:49

How lovely that his stepmother is involved enough to want to carry on seeing him. What a lucky boy to be so loved.

BanginChoons · 27/12/2018 21:52

It would be a no from me. I might consider, if she was keen to see him regularly, the odd Saturday afternoon out. I wouldn't be considering overnights when his parent isn't there.

Is there a court order in place, op?

KataraJean · 27/12/2018 21:56

Agree you need legal advice.

I don’t think it is the same as if dad was working during the day and back in the evening and DS was being looked after by her as childcare. The step mother has no parental responsibility, so why would she be allowed EOW contact with such a small child? Day time contact maybe, but fornightly residential? He is not her child.

The ‘first refusal’ point sounds relevant. As DS’s mother, you should be the first person in consideration for the time he is away, not the spouse.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:02

I’d argue it.

Not understanding the hand wringing over snatching him away from a loved one. He probably has grandparents he doesn’t sleep pver with every weekend! Honestly.

I’d make him take him to me court as whatever he gets from seeing a sm, it’s not as good as being with an actual parent. I doubt she’s that bothered so I wouldn’t expect great care. He’s being controlling and demanding “his” time even he can’t have it

PolkaDoting · 27/12/2018 22:03

So few people considering what’s best for the child here!

BrendasUmbrella · 27/12/2018 22:11

Won't he find it quite strange to suddenly be staying only with his stepmother when presumably his father has always been there before and (hopefully) done the bulk of the parenting?

I just don't see the point. I would say no.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/12/2018 22:11

He’s being controlling and demanding “his” time even he can’t have it

Quite possibly.

CarolDanvers · 27/12/2018 22:11

So few people considering what’s best for the child here!

So many people not wanting to give up their eow childcare here!

What’s it’s like when it’s flipped back on you?

BrendasUmbrella · 27/12/2018 22:13

How lovely that his stepmother is involved enough to want to carry on seeing him.

Where did you get that from?! The OP has not mentioned the stepmother's views or feelings at all.

BanginChoons · 27/12/2018 22:15

So few people considering what’s best for the child here!

What do you think is best for the child here?
The stepmother does not have parental responsibility for this child. Why should the child be away from his primary carer solely for the sake of continuity? There is no relationship with the parent being maintained if they are not there!

mathanxiety · 27/12/2018 22:22

You need legal advice.

YYY to 'first refusal'.
This was the arrangement that exH and I had.

As an aside, my former SIL and her exH had an arrangement where their two children would go to the stepmother if the exH was working away. All fine and dandy, fair to exH and his new family, how nice that the stepmother loved the two children so much, etc.

Until the day when the first step mother was gone and replaced by the new one. In all those two children saw five stepmothers and their children come and go.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2018 22:25

The stepmother cannot remove the child from the country without the permission of everyone who has parental responsibility

I have a different name to my children. I have only ever been questioned about my relationship to them when coming back into the UK. It is perfectly possible to remove a child from this country without any questions - and certainly without anyone seeking sight of the legally required permissions.

OP - I would be very careful. Do you have your son’s passport? It may be worth removing it from your home and keeping it somewhere you know it will be safe. Reunite.org is a good place to look for further advice.

To be clear, I am not suggesting step mum is some kind of flight risk but given the fact she isn’t British, you would be wise to consider things from all angles.

hollyhaphazard · 27/12/2018 22:29

How on earth does the stepmother being American make her more of a flight risk? What a load of bollocks. If they wanted to take the child to Dubai it would be far easier for the father to take him. Such utter rot and a complete red herring. It's not any of the adults that have "rights" here. It's what's right for this child that is used to a routine where he sees someone he loves. To take that away IS cruel to HIM.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2018 22:33

YY this^

It would be possible for the American wife to bring exH to the US to live as long as ICE was satisfied about his suitability to immigrate and their marriage could be proven.

You need advice about this potential turn of events.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2018 22:34

(Was responding to ohreallyohreallyohreallyoh)

Jenny17 · 27/12/2018 22:37

How on earth does the stepmother being American make her more of a flight risk?

Dad and step mum my want to take DS to USA to live.

If Dad moves on the another wife this step mum will not be getting visitation rights nor will you DS see her again. The important relationship to maintain is with Dad. You shouldn't be giving up time with your son for a non related person and a person without parental responsibility.

If DS misses step mum, he'll see her when Dad comes back.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/12/2018 22:39

No. Be really nice about it. But still No.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2018 22:44

Anyone with clear links to another country is a flight risk. Not rocket science Confused. I agree it would be easier to get the ex to travel with the child but you really never know what goes through people’s heads or what plans they make. It is not unusual for one parent to remove a child. I am not aware of step parents getting involved but it is best to be aware of the possibility than never consider it and having to spend thousands to get a child back. There are simple steps that can be taken to reduce and ultimately eliminate the risk.