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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

233 replies

Crazyladee · 27/12/2018 09:56

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

OP posts:
cricketballs3 · 27/12/2018 10:00

Sorry that I can't offer any advice but just wanted to let you know that I'm in a very similar situation with DS1(24) as he goes into new relationships like that and when he is in a relationship family are forgotten Flowers if you find a solution let me know!

MyPoodleisWorthTenofYou · 27/12/2018 10:04

He’s 23. I think you need to take a step back.

ladyvimes · 27/12/2018 10:04

He sounds like a stroppy teenager but that’s also how you talk about him! Probably time he moves out and grows up. Terrible behaviour from a 23 year old man, however you cannot expect Christmas to be the same as he grows up.
Sounds like he would have rather spent Christmas with his girlfriend but grudgingly felt obligated to spend it with you. Did you ever suggest his girlfriend come along and be included?
I think you need to cut the apron strings and start treating him like a 23 year old adult.

dontticklethetoad · 27/12/2018 10:06

No really helpful advice, but through late teens/early 20s I was in a large group of friends about 50/50 m/f. It was pretty standard that if one of the guys got a girlfriend (or one of them, a boyfriend) they would disappear off the face of the planet. Didn't happen at all with the women in the group.
Not saying that it's OK, but I think it is a common thing for that age group.

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 10:09

so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc)

He's 23...I'm sorry to say, these things aren't going to be especially important or significant to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2018 10:10

Have you told him how upset you are?

JustABetterPlayer · 27/12/2018 10:10

I can relate to this sort of behaviour, is he taking drugs?

Original poster
Crazyladee · 27/12/2018 10:10

Ladyvines

We werent aware that new girlfriend was around on Xmas day as we were told she was spending xmas away visiting family. It was only later on the cryptic fb posts suggested otherwise.

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 27/12/2018 10:10

I think you need to distance yourself slightly and lower your expectations. He's clearly going to prefer shagging his girlfriend to opening a stocking. I'd express your disappointment but leave it at that and do less for him. Is he paying rent?

Bluewidow · 27/12/2018 10:11

Well he is wrong on turning up
Late, being sulky etc.
But in many ways you are treating him like a teenager. If he doesn’t want to go to the in laws then that’s his decision. In laws or new exciting relationship ? He’s going to want to be with his girlfriend isn’t he really?

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 10:11

I suggest you don’t include him in christmas or birthday plans. He can’t have it both ways. Perhaps the first time he sees you not bothering with him, he might grow a conscience.

MyPoodleisWorthTenofYou · 27/12/2018 10:12

Stop stalking him on Facebook! He’s 23 for ffs. You sound way too intense. If I was him I’d move out but as you said he doesn’t sound very mature or ready for that...I wonder why Hmm

Moonstoned · 27/12/2018 10:12

Honestly, OP, I’m sorry Christmas was so miserable, and absolutely, he was being a dickhead, but I think you are far too involved in a 23 year old’s life. You say he’s young for his age, and yes, he sounds disorganised and rather immature, but you are treating him like a child. You shouldn’t be giving him relationship advice, forcing him to participate in Christmas in-law visits and ‘trafitions’etc. It makes him turn into a sulky tween and makes you furious.

He should move out and deal with the consequences of his own actions, which will cut down on your understandable irritation, and hopefully renegotiate a more adult relationship between you, rather than the current mess.

Littleraindrop15 · 27/12/2018 10:12

Think he needs to move out and sort himself out. Your running after him like he is still 10years old this won't help him grow up. He needs to move out and form good adult bonds with you otherwise you both will be miserable.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 27/12/2018 10:12

Justabetterplayer

He has history of taking weed but that's another thread!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 27/12/2018 10:13

Hhmm, his behaviour is certainly not great but you seem very determined that Christmas is going to keep working in a certain way, with certain traditions , even though your children have grown up and I just don't think it can or should.

As for your ds, either you're happy with him living at home, paying you rent and coming and going as he pleases like an adult (forget meals, he can make his own) or he needs his own place.

CherryPavlova · 27/12/2018 10:15

I think 23 is a man child. I think for them.
Advising him to go slowly won’t work - he’s hormones tell,him to fall head over heels, to go for full partnership, to commit and multiply. It’s how young men are wired. All you’ll get is incomprehension.
He’s not a surly teenager but you’ve allowed and almost encouraged that role. If he wants to turn up at 2:30 that is fine and he should be able to say that and receive a prodigal sons welcome. He shouldn’t feel he has to lie to avoid upsetting you.
Managing money is hard. It’s embarrassing to admit you’re not coping well with money but it’s a skill that takes a while to get sorted. He might well have ‘cash flow’ difficulties. Certainly we’ve had to help our son balance his books a couple of times since he bought a flat. He hates asking because he wants to be an adult male provider but he’s still learning about the true costs of adulthood.
His behaviour doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That’s your interpretation. His behaviour means that there’s a conflict that needs discussion and resolution and a rethink of relationships moving forward.

GertrudeCB · 27/12/2018 10:15

It's time he moved out, you are all caught in a cycle of treating him like a teenager so he acts like one.

averylongtimeago · 27/12/2018 10:16

He is 23. Not 13. So I can understand why you are upset, he has been rude.
His behaviour is inconsiderate yes, but people will judge him, not you as he is an adult.
It is perfectly natural for him to want to make his own life, to find a partner and to move away. You sound like you are finding this difficult, but you must cut the apron strings.
In future, only cook if he actually tells you he will be in, don't keep asking. Just have a couple of ready meals in the freezer if you are worried about him starving. Make his gf welcome, even if you don't like her!
I hope he does some chores (his own washing at least) and pays board?

bastardkitty · 27/12/2018 10:16

Honestly he has behaved rudely but there are massive issues on both sides. You really are trying to treat him like a child and you don't seem to like him very much. You can't tell adults how to have relationships. Time to adjust your expectations.

ncasouting · 27/12/2018 10:17

He's 23. Your traditions are going to have to change.

You sound very rigid in your traditions and he just ducked and swerved rather than tell you he didn't want to do them any more (which is immature)

Original poster
Crazyladee · 27/12/2018 10:17

I'm shocked about the comments about cutting apron strings! I do treat him like an adult which he is but the issue is going awol, not communicating with us and being selfish!

He normally loves all the morning traditions and told us weeks ago He was looking forward to seeing my in laws on Boxing day. would everyone reading this be happy with this type of behaviour from their adult son? Going awol on Xmas Day.. Opening presents alone in his room and no acknowledgement or thank you?

Yes I told him when he finally returned on Xmas day I was upset.

OP posts:
namechanged0983 · 27/12/2018 10:18

He's 23. Stop making plans on his behalf - he's a grown man!

JustABetterPlayer · 27/12/2018 10:18

I’d question whether he and new girlfriend still are Grin (Not that I personally have an issue with weed).

To those saying adults don’t want to do the Christmas tradition things, you’re speaking for yourselves. I’m nearing 40 and have never NOT had a large family Christmas (16 of us including in laws this year) and wouldn’t consider it xmas any other way Grin

NotTired · 27/12/2018 10:19

I think you need to take a step back, remind yourself that your son is now a man and adjust your expectations.

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