To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

”Wanting such a precise gift and sending Amazon links to an adult son, is over-the-top and, too me, gives a glimpse of a controlling mother”

I also disagree with this. OP just tried to make present buying a little easier for her son. Surely letting him know what she’d like is far more sensible than him wasting his money on an impersonal toiletries set from Boots.

As it is, it blew up in OPs face as he couldn’t even be bothered to click a link.

LyingWitch it's not meant spitefully just that from the OPs update before I wrote that, I could kind of see why the son wouldn't have wanted to invite g/f home for Christmas as previous ones didn't work out.

No-one reading this thread knows the full story. I agree at 23yo he should have good manners and treat parents and relatives respectfully but the whole dynamic is coming across as smothering. In my view anyway.

I don't see the problem. His girlfriend was alone on Christmas but he still went and spent it with you.

My nephew was a bit like that at 23, though he didn't live at home, he was disorganised with plans etc. I think part of it is lacking confidence to ask other people their plans in order to fit around them.

He was also pretty rubbish at gifts and his contribution to stockings was usually a Mars bar or something (yes, I am 50, my sister is 58 and we still have stockings). But he's 28 now and past all that. This year we'd all given general gift ideas and he asked for some more! He also does all the Christmas food cooking.

I'm sure the OP's son will grow out of it.

Don't worry Op, there are always a lot of people on these boards who don't like to let the facts get in the way of an excuse to kick a poster when she's down, or they just have the reading and comprehension skills of a hamster

The OP raises some valid concerns but you also need to look at the bigger picture - he's 23 and he is to let her know if he'll be home for dinner or not.

My 20 year old keeps in touch out of courtesy but he cooks his own meals and provides for himself.

If she wants him to behave like a grown then she needs to treat him like one. It's difficult to manage the transiiton between teenager living at home and 20something living at home because, unless something changes, they will continue to live like a teenager.

I don't see the problem.

You don't see the problem with some who was expected in the morning turning up at 2:30pm with no warning or contact and then sulking? Really?

It sounds to me like he is having trouble balancing his relationship with his girlfriend with your expectations as a family. If he has a mild LD this will be harder for him.

Encourage him to be honest by dropping your expectations and asking him what he wants to do in these situations and discussing how you can balance your expectations against his.

I think he hasn't told you the truth about what his girlfriend was doing because it conflicted with your plans and he thought she might not be welcome. If he has MLD it may appear to be easier to lie than talk to you about it. U fortunately it unravelled for him.

I have no idea why you’re getting such a pasting, other than it’s AIBU.

He was rude, ungrateful and selfish. No excuse for ANY of it. He SAID she was going away and he WANTED one do the family stuff. Fine if he changed his mind, but communicating that is the bare minimum required.

As for not even getting you the £15 game between them, that’s beyond selfish.

He needs to move out and grow up.

I am absolutely astonished by the number of people blaming the OP for being overbearing.

She has said multiple times that she would have been more than happy for her son to spend Christmas Day with his girlfriend if that's what he had communicated.

What happened here is that he said he wanted Christmas morning etc and then just didn't show up. That is unspeakably rude.

I am an adult child, and I spent Christmas with my OH this year, my Mum didn't bat an eyelid, of course.

But if I'd said I'd be at hers for Christmas Day and she'd prepared food etc and I just didn't show she'd rightly be pissed off.

If I'd then spent the whole of Christmas dinner prepared by my aunt sulking and being rude, she would have been embarrassed and cross with me (again rightly).

And if I had promised to see my grandparents and then refused to go on the day I'd have got SUCH a telling off, even though I'm in my thirties.

IMO, OP is right to be angry. Yes it's natural to want to spend time with a new gf and that might be more exciting than Christmas. But it is not ok to just fail to turn up or answer the phone when expected. Unspeakably rude.

One thing I will say OP is that you're on a hiding to nothing telling him to be cautious with new girlfriends. At his age you just have to expect there will be some heartache.

No excuse for ANY of it

No. But if he has a learning disability, which the OP has speculated about but never investigated, then the world will look different to him; things that make sense to him might only make sense to him.

If he has MLD it may appear to be easier to lie than talk to you about it. U fortunately it unravelled for him yet it will have made perfect sense to him at the time.

I wonder how the DS thought the OP might react if he said he was going to stay with the girlfriend.

I'm amused by the "He's a grown up now!" posts. So being an adult male means having no consideration for those around you, being selfish and lazy and letting everyone down.

If in a year or two his partner posts a thread complaining about the same behaviour you'll all call him a manbaby...

catsmother has nailed it.

Where is the rule that adult DCs can do what they want when they want? If this was a sister or a MIL or anyone else posters would be saying how inconsiderate they are. But no... this manchild is allowed to disappear, not answer the phone, not eat meals prepared, sit in his room, now buy presents... but that's all OK because saying anything is overbearing and mollycoddling? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I wouldn't be expecting a 23yr old to autoatically trail round on family visits just because they still live with parents
Really? So family means nothing then... once a child hits 18 they don't have to consider anyone else or even make the pretence of being with family.
Luckily my adult kids still love seeing their cousins, their aunts/uncles (my siblings) because it's only once a year and they like their extended family.

If in a year or two his partner posts a thread complaining about the same behaviour you'll all call him a manbaby...

Exactly. No wonder there's a whole plethora of entitled arses out there who treat their wives like shite.

Well nobody died...
As in most threads honest communication is usually the key.
He did act very selfishly but the link to the board game was ridiculous.

My DCs DH, all of us are always sending links to things on amazon between us.

It's probably time he moved out. He's trapped between being a boy and a man.

Assume he will not be home for meals etc and don't cook for him unless he specifically tells you he will be home. That way it's his responsibility to be fed.

Not buying a present is really disrespectful. I would be hurt by that.

Christmas Day he probably wanted to be with the gf but felt an obligation to come home. Then huffed like a baby.

It sounds like he really needs to grow up.

At 26 I rocked up to my mums on xmas day just before lunch after overindulging in drink on xmas eve with my new boyfriend...

I turned up with new boyfriend and all my family were fine with it.

"Now there's a face of a girl who's enjoyed herself" was all I was greeted with by my mam.

Step back he's 23. I also don't understand the whole "rude" and "selfish" thing. Maybe I am too comfortable with my family but we would never need an appointment to visit. Nor would we give someone a link to a gift we want.

I find it on my end all very odd.

I think he was rude with the lack of thought regarding buying you the board game and the way he handled presents / just leaving the presents about and not seeming grateful. That’s just rude.

But underneath it all I wonder if he’s picking up how much you basically think he’s still a child / doesn’t know his own mind / is wrong for feeling the way he does about his girlfriend etc, and that’s why he’s behaving this way. Almost as if “well you treat me like a teenager so I’ll behave like one”.

If you had known his girlfriend would be alone on Christmas Day would you have been nice about it and invited her to come along with you / stay at yours? I think a lot of this is to do with what your son perceives you think of her / them and how he thinks you would have reacted.

I think expecting him to let you know when he’s in or not is a bit much. At his age I would expect either he buys his own food or contributed to the family food budget and is left to his own devices.

I think I've heard it all now - it's "controlling" to tell your adult son what you want for Christmas, after being asked?! What the ACTUAL fuck??!!

Some of you need to seriously give your heads a wobble!

OP I think once things have calmed down, you should sit him down and say that things are not really working with him still living at home and really it is about time he moved out. Then suggest he looks to find somewhere by Easter.

Also I still remember how when I went home in my early twenties, I would find my parents still treated me like a child, and I found myself falling into patterns of behaving like a child.

It really is not a good idea for adult children to remain at home.

Confused why everyone thinks the link to a board game is odd.

Her two sons asked what she wanted. So she told them. They agreed between them that the youngest would buy it. He failed to do so. So letting down his brother as well who presumably wanted to get OP what she'd asked for - as agreed.

My mother asked what I wanted and I sent a link to some shoes I had my eye on. Nothing odd there, I don't think.

Lots of bizarre attacking comments on this thread today.

I also don't understand OP your complaints about his past two relationships? It is natural at this age for relationships not to last.

onceuponathread By itself it is fine. I think it is about it being part of a way of relating. A child may need help to buy a present, an adult does not.

hes a grown ass man, in an ideal world he would be good at communicating but he isn't, you need to lower your expectations