To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

I'm amazed at all the people saying he was forced into certain Christmas traditions and how of course he'd want to be with his girlfriend instead. I don't doubt the OP knows this, but he didn't tell anyone!

Yes he's an adult and wants to be independent and make his own decisions, but those decisions should come with decent communication to his family. I imagine if he had sat down with his parents said 'look, I know we have these traditions but my relationship is important to me and I'd like to spend Xmas Day and Boxing Day with her', the OP would have likely understood.

The fact is he made promises he didn't keep. I bet food and drinks were prepared for him that he never turned up for.

Of course he can't be forced to go the in-laws if he doesn't want to, but I would expect a 23-year old to say that and politely make other plans.

I think he's behaved dreadfully.

Although his behaviour is shitty I think you might need to give him space , he's a full grown adult and if he would rather spend Christmas with his girlfriend then that's his decision not yours .

You can't expect your traditions to keep going when you have adult children I'm afraid .

He should of let you know though that he wasn't going to arrive and he should of brought the present you asked for

From your post you sound very over-involved in your son's life. He sounds a bit rude for not sticking to arrangements but you do say he's a bit immature, you also mentions he smokes weed so the fact he doesn't stick to things isn't surprising but he's probably rebelling about your over-involvement.

I wonder if he thought you really wanted to be at home Xmas morning, but he wanted to stay with her - hence the poor subterfuge. He probably went out the night before, got drunk and they spent Xmas morning shagging. If you're 23 that may be preferable :)

"We had to face the inlaws who were puzzled" I would just say sorry he had a change of plans and he won't be coming along. No big deal!

He should have spoke to you. I’m sure you would have welcomed his gf into your family and homes for the day.
Let this be a lesson to him that communication is the key to a happy life for all of you.

Don’t let his undiagnosed social awkwardness be an excuse for him being rude, if he can hold down a job, he can treat his family with respect.

He hasnt behaved well but behaved dreadfully???
Slight over exaggeration...some posters need to think what dreadfully really means.

I get the feeling had OP's son been honest and said that he wanted to spend it with his GF she wouldn't be ok with that. I could imagine a lecture on diving in too quickly would be heading his way...

I don't get the sense that the gf would have been welcome tbh.

I have a DS the same age, although he had his own house. He too is navigating his girlfriend, his friends, his job, time on his own and time with us.

He planned to spend xmas eve with us, have xmas lunch with his GF & her parents then for them both to come to us later.

I'll be honest, I was a bit sad a the thought of not seeing home xmas morning for the first time, but accepted that he had made a good compromise and told him I thought his plans were lovely.

In the event gf and he decided on Christmas Eve to come to us for Xmas day breakfast too .

Do you feel able to support your DS' choices OP - it might work out better in the end?

Going against a lot of pp, he's rude as feck and sounds like he wants the perks of adulthood (keeping his own hours, making his own plans) whilst keeping the perks of childhood. I'd encourage him to hurry up and move out, op, and I'd be honest with wider family about his whereabouts and behaviour.

I'm with @icannotremember

His communication has been terrible. He's said he wants to do things etc. then changed plans and not told anyone. That's rude. Why not say his GFs plan's ggad fallen through? OP may well have invited her over? Or at least known not to expect him.

JustABetterPlayer, Yes, you love the Christmas traditions now, but when you were just into a new relationship, would your focus have been there rather than on a new boyfriend/girlfriend? I think not. It doesn't make sense to overlay your situation with OP's son's because they're not the same.

I agree with Cherries101. Take your son out of the equation for occasions, CrazeeLaydee, he would have to 'opt in' and demonstrate interest and fitting in with plans - otherwise he can go and do his own thing and you won't give him another thought whilst you carry on with the rest of your family.

He's 23, not fully formed yet and selfish. Him and 10 million others. Withdraw yourself a bit and stop doing so much to integrate him. It will either make him think and decide to re-join - or it will focus him to start making his own way in the world. Selfishness is not an option though. I wouldn't tolerate that and I wouldn't treat him as a co-operative and loving household member whilst he behaves like this - he would be doing everything for himself and, if he can't be considerate enough to let you know if he's in for meals, he'd be making his own.

I think a lot of the people on this thread who are acting like it is no big deal have younger children and would be gutted if their kids behaved like this as adults. I don't think YABU at all - I'm 25 so around your son's age. I would never behave like that and would never have behaved like that, barring mental illness which has sometimes made me act in ways that seemed silly or even unkind - could that be what is going on here? You also mention the possibility of learning difficulties - I think it's likely that he doesn't actually understand or know that what he is doing is upsetting or hurtful to people. I think a lot of people in their late teens and early 20s are incredibly self-absorbed and really don't appreciate their families at all. I know some of my friends are now mid-20s and have grown out of it and are closer to their families and more kind and grateful now than they were when they were a bit younger. Some of us never really go through this selfish phase, as I've always been quite close to my relatives, organised birthday cards and presents etc from being around 19 when I moved out for uni, but DH and I are very mature and were married at 20 and living independently etc. My sister is 21 and her behaviour is incredibly thoughtless and immature, and BIL is 28 and until about a year ago also behaved a lot like your son even though he got married a few years ago, but he seems to be growing out of it now. I think people just mature at differnt ages, I'm not sure there is much you can do about it, but I'm not surprised you are upset .

I get the feeling had OP's son been honest and said that he wanted to spend it with his GF she wouldn't be ok with that

I do too. Yes, as others have said he should have communicated but if he knew or suspected that this would go down like a tonne of bricks (with parents who have been warning him to take things slowly) then you can see why he might have figured he'd go along with it and then made a very half arsed effort of juggling both. Obviously he failed and he has been inconsiderate and immature in how he dealt with it which has caused understandable upset but the family dynamic might be a big part of the issue.

Op
what would have happened it he had said to you
"Mum , gf is not going to her family , can she come to ours instead?"
even on christmas day.

To be brutally honest you talk about him like he is 15yo. You need to let go a bit! Hes 23, he has a job, a gf, let him find his way in life. Yes I'd be upset if I were you too, but I think you're upset for all the wrong reasons. He obviously feels the pressure from you both, of course he will be sheepish. He sounds like a nice lad spending xmas with his gf, if it were my dd who was saved by a new partner from spending xmas alone I would thank him greatly for that. It's all about you and what you want but what about his feelings/plans? You sound ungrateful at a 'cheap bottle of prosecco'. Give him a break, recognise him as an adult and give the lad some space.. I would be upset at the thought of 'oh no, kids are growing up what a shame xmas isn't like it used to be'rather than your current attitude.

To answer some of the questions..

Weeks ago I asked him what his plans were over Xmas. He told us he wanted to be around as gf was spending it with her family. He wanted to do the stockings and morning stuff.

I asked for the board game for me but to take over to my sister's later on in the day. I didn't mention to him about him playing it!

We've bailed two serious ex girl friends out in the past who we took in and agreed for them to move in with us due to their own family problems. Both relationships became toxic and broke down. It's a whole other thread but the reason why we advised to tread cautiously.

Yes he pays rent but we have always been flexible with him. Hes borrowed large sums of money from us when he's needed it for car repairs etc (which he's paid back)

If he had communicated with us and kept us in the loop as his plans changed I would have been fine. And opened his presents and thanked us that would have been fine too. Thinking that gf was with her family on Xmas day when he went awol and I couldn't get hold of him at one point I had visions of him lying in a ditch somewhere.

Still can't believe people think I'm being overly involved. One or two posters have nailed my feelings and the situation though.

Agree you sound quite suffocating. Poor lad. Let him move out and move on with his own life.

Sounds like he was trying to please everyone and it obviously didn't work out. YABU.

You knew the GF 2as alone..
You should have straight up asked him, is x alone, do you want to ask her to come along or do you need to go see her...

It is one day, we asked DD fella if he wanted to come stay with us, he jumped at the chance... Should she tell me she is changing her mind over New year and wanted to be with him, that would be fine...

I think it's time for him to move out.

That he didn't invite his new g/f to Christmas at home speaks volumes. I'm not surprised his previous relationships didn't work out if they were living at yours either.

I have older children - my eldest is 28 - and I honestly don't think it's a big deal.

Chill, relax, unclench and just go with the flow.

Things change, you shouldn't have been sending him amazon links ffs. He's a grown man.

Bloomini, that's spiteful of you; without any basis too.

He's a selfish so and so. Just because he's 23, he's a male doesn't mean he can call off plans at the last minute, let his family down, not turn up for meals, change plans without telling people. It's common courtesy!

I have adult DCs. It drives me potty that I never know plans till the last minute but once they've told me who's coming when, which boyfriend/girlfriend is coming for what meal etc, they can't be here or whatever, they tend to stick to it or tell me!

I can't believe posters are laying in to you and suggesting you cut the apron strings when you are just asking him to keep you informed and let you know. If you knew she was on her own, I'm sure you would ask her over, but instead he just buggers off and lets his family down.

If this were the OP talking about her DM or MIL there would be an outcry on here at how selfish they were being. But because it's a son he's allowed to do what he wants?

He's been rude - he should have communicated better and thanked you for the gifts, but you sound smotering and unable to step back and accept he's an adult. Let him move out and go his own way.

Why arent people reading the thread? For the millionth time, I was told gf was spending Xmas at the other end of the country with her family! And I couldn't invite her anyway as my sister was hosting and dining room bursting at the seams as it was!