To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

Ask him for £15 from the cash you handed him so you can buy the present he, a grown adult, couldn’t manage to track down by clicking on a few links on Amazon.

Tell him you’re not happy to have his behaviour continue but as he is an adult, you will no longer baby him and will be having an adult discussion about him contributing as an adult to the household he is living in, and about his future plans.

I’d make it clear if he decides to move in with girlfriends and it goes tits up, you expect him to have a financial backup plan and get a flat share instead of moving back to his room in between relationships. That might shift the way he throws himself into new relationships like a teenager.

Yeah, just take a step back. He is a bit rubbish and unreliable, and not adulting very well, but I'm not surprised he wanted to spend Christmas Day with his girlfriend. Of course, he should have been mature enough to say so and make arrangements accordingly, but perhaps he thought it would offend you?

I got together with DH when I was 23 and I wish we had had just one Christmas Day together on our own.

By interfering so early on in their relationship you’ve basically painted yourself as the bad guys. He clearly doesn’t trust you to behave which is why he didn’t ask to invite his gf to yours. I suggest clearing the air with him and then invite him and his gf to a nice dinner and making an effort with her.

Mypoodleisworthtenofyou

Where did i say that I stalked him on fb???

One of the cousins is friends with gf on Facebook ( I'm not as I hardly use fb) and saw her status update.

I went on holiday with my bf over Christmas at that age, all that expectation would have done my head in...

He's 23 years old, honetly he needs to move out and grow up. And he doesn't need to do everything the rest of the family do, surely that stops around 14/15yrs old?

You talk about him like a teenager which is probably how you actually talk to him.

maybe hes getting ready to move out.

I'm around his age so maybe I can give it an opinion from someone his own age.

It's all a bit of a weird situation to be honest and I think you need to sit down and talk with him. There is more going on here then meets the eye.

He should deffinetly let you know when he will be home as it is inconsiderate not too. Though I know why he isn't. At that age you want to be independent and spontanious and not plan much. However, if he wants to do that he needs to move out. He needs to understand he needs to let you know when he will be in/out whilst living under your roof. However he is getting older, so what you can't do is make him feel bad for not being there. I'm not saying you are doing this but I know the guilt trips well "oh we never see you anymore", "hello stranger". They are not fair. For me I have to split my time into 4. Time with my family, time with my partners family, time with my friends, and time with my partner. It is a massive headache as at that age everyone wants to see you all the time.

With the Christmas he shouldn't have told you he would be there if he wouldn't. I wonder though if he and his girlfriend had a miscommunication and he thought she was with family and he thought she was spending christmas with him. Then when Christmas rolls around and he realises that she is thinking she is spending the day with him he panics. If this is the case his four options are upset his girlfriend by going to yours as planned, upset you by staying with his girlfriend, upset you both a bit by splitting the day (as he choose), or bring her round yours but risk upsetting you as food has not been bought for her/he thinks you don't like her. Really though I can speculate all I like but you really need to sit down with him and talk about it (easier said then done I know!).

With the gift that is just mean. He should have ordered you it when you sent the link. You can't get easier than an amazon link. Is he normally this disorganised?

It is mean not to open the gifts you have chosen for him. I wonder if he felt awkward opening presents knowing everyone was angry/annoyed at him. But he should have opened it, apologised loads, and thanked you lots!

No excuse for a sour face all xmas! If he is worried he has upset you, a sour face is only going to upset you even more!

I think really you need to find the root cause of what happened, did he have an argument with his dad which made him not want to come? an argument with his girlfriend? was it just a mix up? is he in trouble (debt, drugs, etc)? could it be he is trying to work out how to tell you something (debt, girlfriends pregnant)?

All in all though YANBU. Sorry about your xmas. Flowers for you

I dont think hes done much wrong tbh hes allowed a life, to not want to open stockings with the family etc, playing and buying games. My teenager doesnt want to do those and I dont force him.
Perhaps he needs some space?

sorry for the really long message. This post only has 1 reply when I started writing which shows how long this took me!

Honestly I think he is an adult now in the exciting part of a new relationship. I think you might need to adjust expectations here as you still speak about him as though he is a child.

Yes he was quite thoughtless but he’s getting to the point where he will want to move out, do his own thing and start spending Christmas with his partner.

I think it’s crap he was so rude about it but maybe part of it was him struggling to tell you he wanted to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and handling this badly.

CrazyLadee this is why why mumsnet is best for humorous threads and chuckling at rabid feminists. The views are often a little ‘special’ I’d just abandon the thread as a bad idea

He’s 23 not 3!
Poor sod

He's 23. Shagging the gf is always going to win over stockings and breakfast. He is interested in the other sort of stockings lol.

You can't expect him to continue to do what has always been and on here at least, you come across as very rigid, and if you're like that on here, you're probably like it in RL too.

You need to stop feeding him - if he turns up he can heat himself up something or have a pot noodle. He's 23, if he wants to skip meals that's his issue.

Did you invite the gf to come on Christmas Day or Boxing Day?

I have adult children. One is with his partner's family this year - so we won't see him at all. And that's fine. I am not disappointed at all.

I have another child who has a boyfriend and I asked her if he wanted to come but he was with his mum and family on Christmas Day.

We didn't do stockings and breakfast like when they were 5. Life doesn't stay the same and you need to modify your expectations.

Whilst his teenage sulky behaviour at Christmas and that he made excuses for not bothering to sort a present out are crappy, I agree with others that your treating him like a child.

He's not one anymore, asking him to message you about dinner etc is a bit ridiculous. He needs to move out and be treated like an adult.

Does he pay rent or take responsibility for things around the house etc?

You have become very defensive op. The majority of posters think you are being overbearing.

Take the advice on board or do you just want to argue you are justified to be upset?

And my kids on principle never buy me what I send them links to for Christmas. Their view is that I have to trust them to get me something I would like and it should be a surprise because they're returning the Santa favour.

They haven't ever got it wrong. He was a bit shit, but he's 23, don't send him an amazon link, let him get it wrong and learn from it.

Thinking about it, the link to the boardgame is like he's a teenager. Or even younger. Firstly, your kids are grown up, boardgames to play might have to stop. Secondly, he won't learn if you don't let him get it wrong. Let him get it wrong, so he can learn from it.

While I can understand how his behaviour has hurt and upset you, my impression from your post is that you see him as much younger than 23 and treat him accordingly. If he's always lived at home and is used to not being treated like an adult it's maybe not too surprising that he doesn't behave like one (the locking himself in his room, lying about his whereabouts etc).

I think you and DH are expecting him to fit in with the same family traditions as though he was 13 and not 23. At his age I would go to my DPs for Christmas Day but neither they nor relatives would have expected all young adult DC to be there for visits to all the different aunts and uncles over the period. I mean at that age we all had our own social lives, plans with friends hangovers which to us would have been a higher priority than the round of visits to various relatives.

It's obvious that your DS didn't want to do 'the usual' for Christmas but I suspect he didn't feel able to say so. It's clear from your post that you have a very definite picture of what Christmas looks like and a strong expectation that dc take part in all aspects of that. Maybe you and DH need to ring the changes next year?

Hes an adult. You sound incredibly bossy and overbearing.

You need to give him space to be his own person. A great deal more space.

But he didn’t go AWOL did he, he was with his GF. You definitely need to think about taking a step back and letting him live his life, at 23 I moved to live in a whole different country, I couldn’t have been micromanaged like you seem to do with your son. I understand he is your first born but you need to let go, you talk about your Christmas day traditions like he is 8 years old... it’s ok for children to grow up and become adults, it sounds like you are having difficulty with this though. I hope you take on board some of the advice here.

He reminds me a bit of someone I know. I think sometimes when an adult child is a bit immature the adults compensate by treating them like a teenager and it all becomes a bit of a cycle. I would encourage him to move out and become responsible for himself.

Obviously he behaved very rudely on Christmas day but that seems like a continuation of his adolescent lifestyle in general. Until he can move out I would make him pay rent if he doesn't already then expect that he'll come and go as he pleases (that's what 23 year olds do). Don't make him dinner - he can make his own when he comes back.

Good luck OP i sympathise and see why you're upset

I get the feeling that he wanted to spend Xmas with his girlfriend but felt railroaded into spending it at home.
It was a lose-lose situation for everyone.
Can you ask him want he wants? If he wants to spend NYE with the girlfriend send him off with your blessing.

He's a young adult finding his way in life. I am sure most people with teenage and young adult sons have lived through this phase. He doesn't want you planning his Christmas for him. Stockings are ridiculous at 23. Just leave him be and stop making it all about you. You can't keep trying to control him.

OP just wanted to add I side with you. I am 25, I am very close with my family and still live at home. The problem here is about him agreeing to plans and then not keeping them and not communicating! If he had said he was going to be with his GF all day from the start then you wouldn't have been left wondering where he was.

I think he is incredibly selfish. Next year don't bother making plans - see if he makes any effort

He’s 23!!! I’d have left him to spend the day with his GF.