To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

His behaviour is definitely selfish and disrespectful; he had an invitation to Christmas dinner and he should have let you know his plans had changed. That is basic good manners.

His general behaviour around you is disrespectful as well. He should tell you if he's going to be around for meals. You should consider letting him fend for himself with meals. At 23 he should be able to look after himself.

Op

One of the things I would try to gently suggest is that you are a little keen to blame some of his situation on his girlfriends when the truth is, he is choosing them.

If he is picking needy/selfish/profligate women then that is his choice and if been more concerned about why he wants those women?

His financial difficulties are not down to his girlfriends spending sprees - his choices
This is an area where you are babying him

Totally agree Molly499. Eating together is a pleasure for us.

He's 23 and you are treating him like a kid.
If he wants to move out, then let him. Sounds like he is ready and pushing against the way you are treating him like a child. Yes it may be too soon for him to move in with a girl, but sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn.
Back off or you'll push him away and then you'll see even less of him.

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP. You ASKED him what he would be doing for Christmas, given that he had halved moved in with his girlfriend. As far as you knew the girlfriend was going to stay with family and he made plans with you - he didn't tell you her palms had changed. If this was a cousin, brother stepson etc. He would have been read the riot act.

He was rude and disrespectful. Asking for money, and not bothering with his other presents, at the end of Christmas night I would have scooped up all his gifts and taken them to MY room on the assumption he didn't want them. As for turning up empty handed. Why didn't he ask you to forward another link. Its not as if your choice of gift was excessive. Why didn't he get you something else? He is 23 and working. What did your other son say about this?

I think you have every right to be cross, he was selfish and he embarrassed you in front of your family. I don t think you are over involved, he needs to learn some respect and manners.

IWhat did he say when you told him you were upset at his behaviour?

I don't spend Christmas Day with my parents and siblings anymore and even before I had my first at 21 I hated Christmas at home with my parents and siblings i wasn't a child anymore and didn't want to be treated like a baby,

I'm really glad we are not like that. We all pile back to our mum's for Christmas dinner. I find it very odd to refuse to spend Christmas Day with your family and will be very sad if my children do that in their 20s. I'm 44 and think I've only spent one Christmas Day not with my mum.

@anitagreen But how many times did you tell your parents you were coming for Christmas and then just not turn up and turn your phone off? Which is what this guy did. That’s fucking rude whatever your age.

I’m in my 30s, we spend Christmas together as a family and rotate Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with my DPs and DH’s. Wouldn’t dream of pulling a no-show, or cancelling on the day, and I’d be extremely pissed off if any adult did that to me.

The PP whose 22yr old put his plate on the floor and told her to pick it up for him - he is treating you with absolute contempt there. Really, I’m horrified by that story. Not normal for twentysomething men at all. I couldn’t allow somebody who treated me so badly to remain under my roof, honestly. If your DH did something like that we’d all be telling you he was abusive and to LTB.

I'm 44 and think I've only spent one Christmas Day not with my mum.
I suspect that is unusual.

Not in my circles.

And even if it was the case we took year about with families, I think it is odd to say we are our own family unit now so parents are not welcome. Unless there are other relationship issues.

It's unusual to spend time with DParents at Christmas? I think it's very much normal. Especially if your kids aren't married. Even if they are I cannot imagine not being with my DCs at Christmas. And no I'm not controlling. We all like being together

Exactly

When you were typing this, I thought your ds was 15! He is an adult who has to take responsibility, he is allowed to change his mind about what he wants to do. He sounds very rude and ungrateful, so it is a Lynx gift set next Christmas for him then. He needs to make his own plans, that might not involve your traditional Christmas if he has a girlfriend.

@Sashkin I haven't done that but I wouldn't be bothered either if my kids grow up to do that it doesn't meant they don't love or appreciate me, long as they are happy and choosing that time to be with someone they'd like to be with it wouldn't cross my mind to be annoyed

We usually spend Christmas with family, but this is the first one we've spent with my DM for some years, as she has tended to be away (she does Christian charity work in Africa). We have my MIL on alternate years and we spend it with my DSis and her family other times, as we have this year.

It's sometimes nice to have it to ourselves as a family, but it's also nice to share it with extended family. On years where we have it to ourselves, we do visit family later.

I would have thought that if you have a good relationship with your extended family, it would be strange not to want to see them at some point during the Christmas (unless they're too far away).

Rousette have you considered the fact that your DC, if married, might have an obligation/inclination to spend time with the other side too (ie your dil/sil parents) or would they always have to spend it with you because YOU couldn’t imagine any other way?!! Or do they just sack off their own families/wants/needs from there on in?

And people wonder why they alienate their adult children. Get a clue, seriously.

Of courxe MyPoodles. They will obviously spend Christmas with their DPs family too, and if it was viable distance wise I would love to see them. If it wasn't viable, I would hope to see them another Christmas. I'm not that ridiculous!

Thank you, I have a clue. You have surmised and jumped to a conclusion.

Reading this does make me feel sad. I’m a mum my son is 19. His behaviour is what it is, we aren’t all built the same, we don’t all want the same things. I’d love a big family gathering but thats not possible, each year I do the best for my son. I think too much emphasis is put on people to be a certain style for family traditions/gatherings.

Think of the good points of your kids no matter how old they are! They aren’t mini us.

I don’t agree with your sons behaviour but I wouldn’t continue to berate him as I believe his actions now are because he knows he’s done bad, he is still immature to know how to make amends, and originally his thoughts of booze and a girlfriend seemed a good idea at the time!

Apologies if I went OTT then Rousette. It’s just people seem to have to split themselves all over the place at Christmas and please everybody, be in two places at once, it’s not easy, and it breeds resentment...I do my ‘duty’ Christmas one year then please myself the next, it’s the only way to keep sane.

My ex's Mother was just like you - making him go round etc at Xmas other times. Needless to say he's my ex because mother couldn't keep her nose out of anything!

Is this just a mumsnet thing where you have shitty relationships with your family?

I barely know anyone who isn’t back with parents and family at Christmas.

I’m not. Nor is my DP. We do it sometimes but not every year

Totally OK, no problem Poodles. I didn't word my previous post right! None of my adult DCs are married yet, and haven't gone to their boyfriend/girlfriends houses for Christmas yet... totally understand if they want to, but they still tend to be apart for Christmas, when they do their own thing and not come to us, it'll be fine, I'm just enjoying it while it lasts!

Rousette do, it definitely gets more complicated as we get older, and I have a bit of a chip- broken homes for mine and my DP. I would probably kill for a nice simple family Christmas!

Some of the things he did were rude, he clearly didn't make an effort to get your present, sitting in his room etc etc.

However, some of your post I'm a bit woah at. He's 23 and it sounds like you still expect him to check in all the time. If he's around his girlfriends a lot why not just assume you aren't cooking for him or for him to let you know if he wants dinner? I can't see how that's a big deal.

He sounds like he wanted to spend more time at Christnas with GF and sulking as he felt he couldn't.