To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

Sending a link to a board game that 'we could all play on Christmas day' is controlling.
Bad enough to be forced to play the bloody tedious thing but to have to buy it as well?
Younger brother didn't bother to check that orders had been followed the shared gift had been bought either, so he deserves to feel the wrath of an non-controlling, perfectly relaxed and laid back mother too.

You need to change things up with comminication. Ie instead of let me know if ypu will not be home for dinner it needs to be
If you are comi g home and want tea let me know otherwise im not cooking for you. Just dont expect him home. He can move out hes more than old enough.

OP I have a very similar situation with my eldest son (although he was he for Christmas Day).

He has moved out, but didn’t actually tell us. The reason for him is that he didn’t want to upset me - so not telling me was his way of dealing with that.

It’s actually been quite a hard adjustment for me, but I have let him go and text him a couple of times a week. I assumed that he wouldn’t be here for Christmas, so when he came home it was wonderful.

Having two in their 20’s now, I realise that Christmas and family time will never be the same anymore, but I’m trying to find the positives (as in less noise & mess), because this is our new future.

I also sent a link to my son for Christmas presents (in his request). In fact he got everyone what they wanted apart from me! I was just thrilled to have something from him - as he has thought about me.

Well the one thing I can say is: never, ever rely on anyone else to get you exactly what you want.
My dd asked what her bf should buy me for christmas. I said that is very kind and I would really like make up brushes in particular eye shadow brushes. Nothing expensive and type will do.
I unwrapped his gift on Christmas day to be confronted with......an umbrella!!!
The exact same one I already have.
I had never mentioned an umbrella. I only asked for make up brushes!
When asked if it was what I wanted I replied yes it is!
I didn't say I'll put it with the board of umbrellas I already have.

@abacucat

I agree if she'd taken it upon herself to send unsolicited. But I think OP said that they asked what she wanted. Would be odder to respond to a genuine request with "you're a grown up, you decide", no?

Oh and my dd gave me an oil burner, it is the same one that I already have too!
She then admitted she had bought it for her grandma but her grandma later said that she did not want it!!!
My son also bought me .....an oil burner!!!
And so too did his gf. I laughed out loud after opening them all.

OP, the other thing that has struck me here is that your DS hasn't had a good Christmas either. He's been unhappy. I do think he wanted to spend it with his girlfriend.

You don't mention anywhere inviting her round to yours over the Christmas period - was she due to come round at all? You knew on Christmas Day that she was on her own but didn't ask your DS about that or invite her round that evening? Do you know if they had a row when your DS left her alone in her flat, what is the current state of his relationship - he could have been dumped!

I can see that his previous history - and relationships - are affecting the way that you view his actions. Yes, he should have been straight with you from the start but he probably was expecting trouble if he did! He left his girlfriend alone in her flat on Christmas Day!

It may well be time to adjust your idea of a family Christmas - traditions can change over time, at his age I was married with my own house and had Christmas Day there!

I think you'd feel better if you spoke to him about it - not in an accusatory way, just to find out what happened because I do find it really striking that he's probably had a bad day too and you don't see that at all.

onceuponathread I think it is more about sending a link, rather than just saying what you want. But there is the added complication that OP clearly wanted a family board game time.

This isn't an issue really if everything else is fine. But if you are an adult being treated like a child, it becomes one more thing.

But I actually think both of them have got into unhealthy dynamics. Although nowhere as serious, it is like alcoholics with an enabler. Both OP and her DS are at "fault" if you like. What actually needs to happen is something drastic to change the dynamic. The obvious thing is for him to move out.

OP if you don't want him to move out, try and think how you would treat a 23 year old man who is a distant relative who has come to stay. There would be consequences. So for example if he is not going to tell you when he is coming home, you don't cook for him. He will not starve. He can make something for himself.

He’s 23 he really doesn’t have to communicate with you about where he is he’s a grown man! Yeah it’s polite to just let you know if he isn’t coming home and he’s certainly been rather rude and inconsiderate but he’s an adult. As for the relationship advice if my parents gave me advice about my relationship I’d be telling them to butt out it’s none of their business

I would try and disengage a bit from your son OP, while he's going through what is (hopefully!) just a selfish phase. I'd be upset by his recent behaviour in the same way that you are. I think if you have fewer expectations it will be so much less stressful. I'm trying to do this at the moment with my eldest teen as I was getting way too upset by some behaviours and it wasn't doing me any good. An immature 23 is probably behaving like a teen still unfortunately. With Christmas it might be better to just let him know your plans and say that he can join in at any point and leave it at that. I wouldn't plan around him any more and I wouldn't expect him to be there in the morning for present opening, etc...

Similarly I would back off from expecting him to let you know when he’s in or not. Might be better if he buys his own food or at least pays towards your food budget and makes his own meals (I know that can cause problems planning meals, but you'll probably find he just makes noodles or scoffs cereal most of the time anyway).

Ideally he should move out as it sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do, but assuming he's staying put I'd distance myself a little and revise my expectations. I'm sorry his thoughtless behaviour upset you so much at Christmas.

I do agree with PP that when it comes to cooking in the evenings normally, the rule should be that you assume you won't be cooking unless he explicitly says he'll be home and wants a meal (with plenty of notice).

Takes the onus off you and all the stress out of the situation. Plus it is totally normal for him to spend lots of nights at the gfs and to not need to tell you where he is all the time at his age.

My DH was married at 23. My PIL are lovely , I do not think you should be giving relationship advice to him ( I would have been very hurt if I thought my partner was being TD by his mother to take things slowly). He upset you but he also turned up.

Maybe give him a bit of space to grow up?

He is 23 and sorry to say that this selfish behaviour can be perfectly normal! Sorry. I agree that you shouldn't take it to heart. Its par for the course.

YANBU to have felt so let down, it was really inconsiderate behaviour. But I saw it all when I was younger. On Christmas Eve, we'd all be in town for a boozy night out, but us girls were conscientious enough to get home at a reasonable time so that we didn't worry our parents and write off Christmas day, but the lads we were with would just keep going and wake up in goodness knows whose house on Christmas day with no regard for their own families. This was pre mobile phone days too. They would eventually rock up to their homes in a complete state. This went on well into our late twenties. Home ownership and serious partners put paid to all of that in the end.

Thanks for (most of) the comments.

Deep down he is a lovely lad with a heart of gold. Unfortunately he is attracted to lame ducks and likes to take girls under his wing that need protecting and come with more baggage than Heathrow airport. When he is in a relationship nothing and no one else matters. Despite how my post has come across to some people we do treat him like an adult but in this situation I've felt incredibly hurt by how disrespectful and unthoughtful he has been and just ditched our family without a moment's thought.

There's a lot of good advice from some posters on this thread that have been helpful and I'll try and take some of the advice on board.

and to put it into context, I was 21 and I 3 children and my dh was 24!!!

sorry, 21 and I had 3 children under 3 lol...

All my 3 boys actually had left home by 23 with one son abroad and in a relationship!!! He is an adult.

Unfortunately he is attracted to lame ducks and likes to take girls under his wing that need protecting and come with more baggage than Heathrow airport.

You sound delightful. He needs to leave home now and run. You are on the way to becoming the MIL from hell.

It is time he moved out.

Can I also say, he will 'come back' to you once he has had his freedom and matured a little. All my three sons have acted this way at some point and all now all visit me, text me etc.

He's 23...I'm sorry to say, these things aren't going to be especially important or significant to him.

Why? That's a strange thing to say. These things are still important and significant for many many 23-year-olds.