To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

Personally, I'd suggest he moves in with his GF.

Also, for your sanity stop making plans around him - you are not his first consideration. His sparkly new GF now has the top spot. He needs to make his own mistakes - don;t pick up the financial pieces or he will never learn. He's 23 not 13.

Make plans for you and your DH and tell him this is what you are doing and that unless he tells you otherwise well in advance you won't be cooking for him etc.

Stop letting him treat you like hotel. It hurts, yep, but it will improve when you are less invested in what he is doing.

p.s. if he does stay at your home, you tell him it's your house and if he's not home by XXpm he needs to stay elsewhere. Your home/your rules. He'll soon get the hang of it if you follow through...

Best of luck and stay strong.

Poodles I'm prepared for this... one DC has a partner who doesn't talk to his DM and one's from a different culture, it's gonna be fun!!

Fair enough @anita, I’m annoyed enough when my friends stand me up for dinner, and I hold my immediate family to higher standards than random friends...

I've got a (just) 24yo son, he's spent Christmas skiing in Switzerland. He told me in November he wouldn't be home and I did feel really upset at first, and Christmas Day was a sad weird as fuck, but he's a grown man and we have to respect his wishes. DS2 (22) left at 5.30pm on Christmas Day so he could spend time at his GF's house before doing a night shift In A&E last night.

He shouldn't have opened his presents in his room and he should have told you he was going to be late on Christmas Day but we all have to accept that there comes a time when Christmas changes.

Did he rebel as a teenager, OP? Because his behaviour sounds like delayed adolescent rebellion.

*Hauntedpencil
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No, I certainly don't expect him to check in with us all the time. Putting the Xmas episode to one side, I have got used to him coming and going and don't bother cooking for him anymore as I was sick of making him a meal and wasting food.

I just expect him to have some consideration and communicate with us especially at Xmas time when he decides to go back on his arrangements with us. It is obvious his girlfriend's plans changed suddenly at the last minute and so he ditched us for a better offer without a word to us. He switched his phone off and had a morning in bed with his girlfriend whilst we were all sat wondering where he was as he was expected home* Because he told us via DS2 he was going to come back first thing.
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He asked to be part of the Christmas arrangements when it was discussed a few weeks ago.. Nobody put any pressure on him to spend Xmas day with us. And when someone else is hosting, it's even more important not to be a no-show. There is simply no excuse for his behaviour and also his moody behaviour round at my sister's for the rest of Xmas Day was embarrassing. Not to mention refusing to come out of his room on Boxing Day! I honestly can't believe you think it's not a big deal!

*Thefairycaravan
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I understand what you're saying, but it's not really relevant to my situation as your DS had the courtesy to tell you his plans well in advance. How would you have felt if he had told you he would be home for Xmas and then took off skiing on Xmas morning?

"You've acted like a spoiled little brat, you lied, you've been a little shit. Be a shit in your own time, not in ours and NOT at Christmas". There, I fixed your "I told him I was upset".