To be so upset and raging at DS (1)?

[Crazyladee]

Sorry this will probably be long but I just need to vent about my incredibly selfish 23 year old son.

For context he has always been young for his age and a bit immature. DH and I have quietly talked about the possibility there is a very mild, undiagnosed learning disability there as he tends to be very slow and socially awkward. There are other examples of this but I don't want this thread to turn into an essay.

However he has a full time job and earns an average wage.

He has recently met a girl and we advised him to take it slow as he tends to get very serious very soon and has had his fingers burned in the past. However he seems to have ignored our advice and has thrown himself into this relationship very quickly. He still lives at home and she has her own place and he has semi moved in with her all in a matter of weeks. We've spoken to him several times about having the decency to let us know if he will be home that evening and therefore wanting a meal etc which he has promised he will do but this hasn't happened. So basically the last few weeks he has come and gone as he pleases without communicating with us at all.

Christmas plans were discussed and we were told that new girlfriend was spending Xmas with her family 300 miles away so DS would be home with from Xmas eve onwards. Xmas day would be spent with the rest of the family and then afternoon onwards at my sister's as she was hosting. Boxing day we all planned to travel 2 hours away at my in laws.

For Xmas I was asked what I wanted from my boys and I asked for a particular popular board game that we could all play on Xmas day. The board game was about £15 and I sent him an Amazon link weeks ago. My other son is at college and so it was arranged that DS1 would buy it.
Xmas day morning came and no sign of DS. He sent my youngest son a text saying he had had too much to drink on Xmas eve to drive so would be staying at GF house but assured him he would come back first thing Xmas day.

Basically he ended up sheepishly turning up at 2.30pm on Xmas day. I had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. We were due to go to my sister's at 3pm so he missed all the morning traditions at home (stockings breakfast etc) He handed me a cheap bottle of prosecco and said he couldn't get the game for me as he couldn't find it..and stood in the doorway looking sheepish at DH.

When everyone had left the room, He quietly opened the envelope in his stocking containing cash (which he asked for) and left all the other presents i had bought for him under the tree.
At my sister's he had a face like a wet weekend and spoke to hardly anyone. I was so embarrassed. Meanwhile someone spotted a fb post from his gf saying something about being alone. Turns out she didn't spend Xmas day with her family after all. And so DS had spent up to 2.30pm xmas day with her.

He spent the rest of xmas day quiet and sulky while DH and I seethed.
Boxing day morning we were due to travel to my in laws but while no one else was around, he scooped up all the rest of his presents under the tree and took them to his room and opened them in his room. He took to his bedroom and locked his door saying he wasn't coming with us to my in laws. I've not had a thank you or kiss my arse off him even though I've spent at least £100 on presents on him plus the cash.

We've had to face the in laws who were all puzzled at the absence of DS and I have another pile of presents for him here from cousins who are similar age to him but thoughtfully bought him gifts.

I feel so upset that I have a 23 yr old who clearly doesn't give a shit about his family and has his priorities all messed up. It has spoiled my Xmas even though I've tried to not let it bother me. DH is raging with him too but is better at not dwelling on stuff.

Sorry this is so long but I just had to vent.

OP I would been angry too if my DD had taken her presents and taken them up to her room. Part of the pleasure of present giving is to see your family reaction etc.

Like another poster said, he sounds like a man child. Time you start distancing yourself and start encouraging him to live in his own place.

no, sorry, I disagree with majority, this is not about apron strings, the OP is treating him as an adult, i.e. as somebody capable of making their own decisions and sticking to them, or, if things have changed, to communicate clearly there is a change of plans (not to mention saying thank you for gifts!)

A responsible adult would have said "look, there has been a change of plans, my GF is not going away anymore, I don't want to leave her alone on Christmas, what should we do?" then OP could have invited her, or they may have decided he was best off staying with her at her place, what he did was the worst of both worlds and he has probably upset his GF, too, not to mention being rude to his family

He sounds selfish and immature.
As for the posters moaning about the stockings just because you don’t do something dosnt mean others can’t its good to be different lol Board games as well can be fun for all ages don’t be so dull!
He needs to grow up op leave him out of plans until he gets a grip and behaves like an adult.

Ah, OP my son was the same when he was in a new relationship, he admits it himself, we all just dropped off the radar.
It stung a bit but it's not the end of the world.
You're micro-managing his life too much.
If you wanted a board game to take to your sister's, you should have bought one and taken your chance whether your son got you a present or not.
Step back, in future, no partners moving in to your home, whatever their circumstance, would be a good place to start.
Don't plan things too much, let it flow over you. If he's there when family stuff is happening, great! if not, don't let his absence change the vibes.
Relax, give him space and forgive his trespasses.

He was rude and you are entitled to feel pissed off. You should articulate to him how his actions made you feel. And then leave it.

But I think you both need to accept that some big changes are on the horizon. He's 23. He needs to take more responsibility for himself. I suspect he'll only manage this when he moves out.

I'm not going to tell you that you are over involved etc. I suspect it's in the back of your mind. Talk to him about how he thinks 2019 should go - is it time for him to live out and support himself? (But don't convert his bedroom just yet as I think it's going to take more than go at it ).

And no I don't think you should have bought the board game on his behalf - he's 23 and if there was something he wanted I'll bet he would have worked out how to get to the shops/use Amazon.

You did nothing wrong OP. He’s 23 not sixteen. At that age, you don’t make plans for XYZ and then do whatever you like wothout letting anyone know, not contacting anyone and then turning up amd doing what you like.
This isn’t about apron strings it’s about him being bloody inconsiderate! He’s 23 not 3!

Whilst I can see how all this upsets you, I think the simple answer is that he needs – for himself – to move out. If I was 23 a mother like this would drive me utterly batty while at the same time I’d feel horribly guilty for wanting her to get off my back, so I wouldn’t be able to be straightforward with her and tell her how she made me feel. I’m 63, by the way, with 2 adult daughters and 2 grandsons.

This is not a criticism of your parenting, just trying to point out that for him it’s probably all very claustrophobic.

I'm with you Op.

I think that you did the right thing to carry on without him.

If he doesn't want to visit rellies then best for him to say so & not go rather than go & sulk.

I wouldn't be expecting a 23yr old to autoatically trail round on family visits just because they still live with parents.

Re meals-if he doesn't tell you then don't bother for him.

You say you think he might have a mild learning disability? Maybe he has.

First, YABU if you suspect a learning disability but have never investigated it to either get support for him or yourselves on how to manage the difference in the way he processes things.

Secondly, I agree that you are talking about him as though he is a child. My son is 20. He is living at home whilst he goes to university. He has a SpLD/developmental disorder - hence living at home and starting university a bit later than his peers.

He's pretty self sufficient now but it didn't come without years of work on my part. It would be unfair of me to suspect him of having a disability of some sort; ignore it other than to speculate about it; and then complain that he didn't behave/process/interpret/respond the same as other people.

Even without getting an assessment/diagnosis of anything, be clear with him about your expectations. State them to him clearly - get him to repeat them back to you to check he understood. Give clear sanctions so he understands what will happen if he doesn't comply - e.g. "I need you to tell me by 2pm if you will be home for dinner that evening. If I do not hear from you, I will not make you any dinner"

If he is just being thoughtless and selfish because you've raised a selfish thoughtless brat fair enough, but if he is being so without realising it; without understanding that it is selfish/thoughtless; has no awareness of the impact on other people; is unable to organise himself; unable to forward plan; is unable to 'imagine' what tomorrow (for example) is going to look like... then he needs your help to do that and you're letting him down by not.

The fact that your ds acted sheepishly shows he’s somehow conflicted. Idk if it’s because he’s being infantilised by you and rebelling or if this is part of his personality.

Yes he should have communicated to you. Being angry with him achieves nothing. He’s an adult now and your post does read more like a parent of a teen.

As a Mother of older sons myself (They’re 22 and 25 and I also have a 12 year old DS) I do sympathies.

22 year old son spent last Christmas in his room even though we had guests. Wouldn’t come down to eat and got his younger brother to bring his Christmas dinner upstairs for him. He then appeared at the bottom of the stairs saying he was going out and here was his plate and could I take it. When I asked him to put it in the kitchen he said no as he was going out and put it on the floor in the hallway for me to pick up.

I felt very embarrassed in front of our guests and rather humiliated having to go and pick up the plate from the floor. It was very upsetting. No presents or cards from him and little acknowledgment of the presents he received.

This year I had no expectations and it was so much less stressful. That’s the advice I bring - Just let him do as he pleases. This year I asked if he was in or out. He said he would be in and he was. He spent the day playing Fortnite!

It is difficult when your child seems to have little regard for you but it won’t be forever (DS1 was incredibly self centered in his late teens and early 20s but is lovely now) so for now accept that he’s the centre of his own universe and let him do as he pleases.

Did you ask him how it went at the girlfriends?
He was ashamed and embarrassed and that's why he opened his presents alone in his room.
It is micro-managing to send him a link to the board game you picked out for him to get your sister. It says to him that being himself is not enough.
That's taking all choice off him, and prescribing how he should act.
By sending him the link to Amazon is a symptom of how he feels. You created a lose/lose dilemma for him he could not resolve.
If he did as you asked and bought the game on Amazon, he'd be acting under your control completely.
If he didn't buy the game he'd be disobeying you and he didn't want to do that either.
So he did what most teens/young adults do...ignored and denied the situation and ultimately avoided it.

For all you know, his GF may have put him under a lot of pressure to stay with her and he felt torn between you. What he should have done is talk to you, say the GF is now going to be alone and he should have stayed with her so he didn't ruin your day.

He's really ended up letting both of you down, and I think a quiet chat when you've calmed down would help you both. It's really shit OP when your kids let you down, I've got 3 adult DDs and our eldest really let the side down this Christmas. I'm also struggling to come to terms with the adult she's become .

I wasn't suggesting the OP bought the board game on his behalf, I was saying that if she wanted the board game, she should have bought it for herself.
Wanting such a precise gift and sending Amazon links to an adult son, is over-the-top and, too me, gives a glimpse of a controlling mother.

As the mum of a late do something son (who's now left home) I don't really understand quite why the OP is getting such a hard time. Having been 23 once myself as well! - as we all were - I completely get wanting to forge your own Xmas traditions, or forgoing them altogether. I completely get the lure of a new relationship, whatever the time of year. I get wanting to be independent and being spontaneous ..... but what I don't get, adult or not, is pursuing all of that at the expense of someone else's feelings, time, expense etc. I'm of the (old fashioned?, unselfish?) opinion that if you accept someone's offer of hospitality (closely related to living in your parents' home as an adult) you show a bit of respect for their generosity and accept that maybe things won't quite be to your liking. If the Xmas plans were so awful and unbearable then you politely decline any involvement when first asked. Once you accept however, that's that .... barring unforseen circumstances like illness, work requirements and so on. You certainly don't just leave people hanging because that's bloody rude - as is snatching up the gifts people have been kind enough to get you if it's usual to open them in front of the givers.
The time for opting out of all this was weeks ago. Then OP and extended family would have known how things stood. It's horrid to be waiting on someone, trying to juggle a meal, worrying something's happened, all because they've not had the decency to make a quick phone call. I'd actually find it contemptuous - basically because it should have been easily avoidable. Same goes with missed meals and so on. Some people are making out that's unreasonable and draconian but it's about simple communication and respect. As a previous poster said, it sounds as if your son wants all the advantages and convenience of living at home, but, to quote a well worn cliche, hasn't yet grasped a home isn't the same as a hotel because ALL the adults who live there should be mindful of how their actions and attitude affect everyone else - and never more so than when someone else is going the extra mile for them, as in cooking a meal they said they'd be home for.
And the board game is sheer laziness - it was hardly a preposterous ask!
I'd be thinking very seriously about encouraging him to move out .... it's horrid living without respect.

Wanting such a precise gift and sending Amazon links to an adult son, is over-the-top and, too me, gives a glimpse of a controlling mother.

That's OTT, I never ask for something specific personally but it's what happens in lots of families where no one is controlling. My FiL once asked for a very specific type of coaxial cable for Christmas.

I think you need to cut the apron strings and start treating him like a 23 year old adult.

Perhaps he needs to start behaving like one. He sounds like an inconsiderate idiot.

This isn't about being "forced" to do stuff at Christmas, it's about his shitty attitude.

Don't worry Op, there are always a lot of people on these boards who don't like to let the facts get in the way of an excuse to kick a poster when she's down, or they just have the reading and comprehension skills of a hamster - ignore them and just thank your lucky stars you are not one of them.
Your son behaved very badly and acted more like a moody 13 year old than like a 23 year old man. It sounds like he needs the "you can't treat this house/your father and I, like a hotel" speech. I got that when I was about 18 and for a lot less selfish behaviour, but it was the seventies and young adults were babied a lot less then.

I think you need to let him learn the consequences of his actions, so next year don't do stockings - I mean he is not a child anymore so really stockings should cease; don't spend as much money on him and don't bend over backwards to include him in things.

Was there a reason you were never able able to get him checked for learning disabilities, and would it be a possibility to encourage him to get checked out for that now?

For now though, I'm afraid you have to accept that spending time with a girlfriend is much more attractive than spending time with the family and actually that is perfectly normal, but if he is going to come and go as he pleases, then stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry and let him sort himself out. I know it's hard, but try to relax a little and stop worrying about including him in family plans, if he wants to be included he has to make the effort, not you, but do have the "hotel" talk with him.

Wanting such a precise gift and sending Amazon links to an adult son, is over-the-top and, too me, gives a glimpse of a controlling mother.

How is it over the top and controlling to answer the question "what would you like for Christmas, mum?"

Given the son was incapable of ordering it from the amazon link it seems sending that wasnt OTT either.

He’s 23, he’s an adult and you all need to treat him like one, starting with him moving out.

Not getting you a proper present was rude.

Going AWOL on Christmas Day was rude.

Opening presents in his room was rude.

He just sounds rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't hold back from telling him that.

The rest, I agree that you shouldn't really give him relationship advice if it isn't asked for. And visits to family are optional, he shouldn't be expected to come.

I've often sent amazon links to one of my siblings for christmas presents as they like to know exactly what I want and it makes life easier for them and I am all for making life easier especially at christmas. I love getting an amazon link too, it takes all the guesswork and anxiety out of buying someone a present. Considering the link was for a present so reasonably priced and the only thing his DM asked for the manchild had absolutely no bloody excuse for not buying it.

He's 23 with a job. Why doesn't he have his own home? I'm only 32 and I had my own at 20 ffs.

Time to cut the strings. You are doing him no favours.

I don't think you're overreacting either. He has treated you and your husband disrespectfully in my view. He should have let you know he was late, especially when it's such a big day and you had plans at 3pm. His then bringing you a gift which had very little thought into it when you had made it clear what you would have liked shows he hasn't really put any effort into making Christmas a good one for you.

Possibly this could be because in his head your house is still his home and he still lives there? So feels like he should be able to do what he wants. Would suggesting he either move in with his gf full time or rent his own place in the new year be a possibility? I know you said he often moves fast but if this woman is ok with him moving in so soon and it would force him to grow up and realise he needs to show some respect then it might not be a bad thing?