I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.
My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.
We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.
As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.
When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)
However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.
Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.
Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.
I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.
Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.
I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.