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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

274 replies

Chipbutty67 · 26/12/2018 22:14

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 26/12/2018 23:44

Getting a divorce over one comment without an adult discussion is OTT. Don't people talk anymore?

Relationships are hard where finances are unequal. Maybe he didn't agree to be the sole earner, didn't expect it to last so long or for a return to work to be only part time. Hard to know without his version.

Scifi101 · 26/12/2018 23:47

You do realise that you will hate that kitchen and be pissed off by it every time you have to use the badly designed thing!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/12/2018 23:48

So it was ok for you to support him while he was unemployed and fund a flat for the two of you, but now that you're home with little ones and not 100% for various reasons, you are viewed as 'lesser' and undeserving of an equal voice.

Your husband is a dick of the highest order. I'd cancel the kitchen and see a solicitor.

OrdinaryGirl · 26/12/2018 23:48

Horrible. LTB.

LastOneDancing · 26/12/2018 23:52

I'm so glad you're getting your pan drawer.

I also have a DH who can be a bit of a twat at times. I've had the 'i go out and earn money so you can stay at home' speech. Once.
He also embarrassed me in a shop. Once.
Difference is we had a huge row, where I advised him he was a bellend & reminded him of the contributions I make to our family (which he couldn't put a price on) and it hasn't happened again.

I'm really hopeful that you will get that fire back in your belly, and tell your DH what a twat he's being, and remind him of how youre a partnership, not a dictatorship, and if he ever choses to demean you, or embarrass you again, he can see how he likes 50/50 childcare and doing his own laundry. I think you will.

theOtherPamAyres · 26/12/2018 23:54

It wasn't a throwaway remark, was it? This was a window into his thoughts and feelings. It was also a way for him to signal to the person in the showroom that he was the "big man", the brains, the sensible one, the powerful one with the money. Your humiliation was very public and that is unforgiveable.

This man has shown you what he is and you have to believe it, now.

A decent man would defer to the more knowledgeable person - the one who has done the research and you uses the space most. Every refurbished kitchen could do with a pan drawer and there are lots of things that are a waste of space/money.

So there are two issues
(1) the Kitchen design - who knows best? You do, of course, and he needs to butt out
(2) the abusive, unequal partnership that is doomed to fracture as long as your husband thinks of himself as your Lord and Master.

You have been treated horribly. Your husband sounds vile, chauvinistic and domineering. At least you know what you are dealing with, now, and can plan accordingly.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/12/2018 23:54

Can I also point out that you mentioned that you had a bad back and so it is hugely relevant that you wouldn’t want to be scuffling around in cupboards with pans when you could have a nice big slidey drawer with your pans in it, all easy to access.

Even people with no back issues prefer the ease of a drawer. So why the hell shouldn’t you?

hettie · 26/12/2018 23:58

Ahhh misogynistic pricks....where do they get this from? Do you want your children to grow up with this as a model op....

Original poster
Chipbutty67 · 27/12/2018 00:01

I also feel very annoyed that he routinely uses family purchases as ‘presents’. Ie when we bought a new dining table (his choice) that was my birthday present one year. A family car was my present another year. I’m fine with him not getting me anything, and he often doesn’t, but this feels so patronising.

OP posts:
BettyBitchface · 27/12/2018 00:03

I was rather shocked at the dismissive and very disrespectful way your DH is behaving.

I read it out to my DH.

The words twat and moron were heard.

Sounds like your DH has forgotten who you were, because it sounds like you were more formidable than he in the beginning. Maybe it's time to remind him and maybe yourself too.

BlackCatSleeping · 27/12/2018 00:03

I guess the phrase I'm thinking of is that you can't unring a bell. Even if he aplogises, even if he never says anything like that again, it still doesn't change the fact that he did make that comment, and he did think like that, and he did upset the OP.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/12/2018 00:04

You need to tell him what’s annoying you.

If you accept these comments and this behaviour with no response then he will be under the impression it’s all fine.

The comment in the shop today - does he have any inkling how upset and annoyed you were?

BlackCatSleeping · 27/12/2018 00:04

Also, it doesn't seem to have been just the one comment, it's a pattern of behaviour.

Calzone · 27/12/2018 00:06

You need to return the favour.

Buy a new kettle or iron and tell him it’s his present.

He does sound horrible.

doodleygirl · 27/12/2018 00:07

You shouldn’t be sad you should be angry, so angry that you tell him to stick his disgusting attitude up his arse.
2019 should be the year where you become more assertive and he understands your marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.

I would start to plan for an exit if DH doesn’t change.

poppiesallykatie · 27/12/2018 00:08

Put him in check now. This kind of post makes me so angry. He would not know where he is if you pulled the carpet from under his feet. You are in it together or not as a partnership. It is not HIS money, it is both of your money. Until you believe that yourself though, your hands are tied. Cancel the kitchen, all of it. Don't even give another thought to a kitchen, just explain that you are his equal and until he sees otherwise, forget about it. You will be making your own moves.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/12/2018 00:09

I agree. I’d definitely cancel the kitchen because all you will remember of it when it’s done is that shitty comment and how he made all the decisions and overrode yours.

AbbieLexie · 27/12/2018 00:12

Please take on board and act on all the very relevant and wise advice you have been given. My partner had our kitchen designed to meet my needs - I felt the extra costs that were going to be incurred were disproportionate. He researched kitchen ergonomics for me. I have back and shoulder problems for starters. He was right - it has been money well spent.

LastOneDancing · 27/12/2018 00:12

Buy a new kettle or iron and tell him it’s his present. - or a pan drawer!

He would not know where he is if you pulled the carpet from under his feet
I bet this is spot on too.

stopgap · 27/12/2018 00:12

Where do people find these considerate male gems? I really feel for you, OP—not sure your husband does.

Yulebealrite · 27/12/2018 00:17

Well that’s unanimous then.

TooManyPaws · 27/12/2018 00:18

My parents married in 1946 and they were a partnership, none of this 'my money' business. Mum supported them at one point too when Dad was at college. All the years that she was a stay-at-home mother, she was an equal partner and he would never have dared to belittle her in public. Respect is not a modern thing.

Your husband is a total arse wipe of the highest order. Buy him an iron or toaster for his next birthday, go back to work, and warn him that he had better get his act into order or he'll be sorting out his own kitchen in a flat on his own.

jadfiewahnds · 27/12/2018 00:19

OP everyone on this thread is on your side, that's so rare around here!
Please don't let him wear you down and make you accept this shit, you are worth so much more than this!! Sounds like at the very least a big honest conversation is in order, preferably with a relationship counsellor.

All the best Flowers

Quantumblue · 27/12/2018 00:21

The issue is not the kitchen or the pan drawer. The issue is that he is a cruel and unpleasant man who does not respect or support you.

InionEile · 27/12/2018 00:21

You said 'I ask for...' and 'I asked if...': don't ask his permission. You are not his personal servant, and he is not your boss just because you aren't in a position to earn money at the moment.

Agree a budget together that works in advance and then you take charge from there and make the decisions on how the kitchen will be designed. If he quibbles, tell him 'you're saving a fortune on childcare by me staying at home so suck it up.'

It does erode your self esteem being a SAHM. It's horrible because it's easy to find yourself in a situation, for whatever reason, where going back to work full-time without support is difficult. Society tells us that the work of caregivers is worthless and so your confidence drains.

And it doesn't help that your husband is a wanker Hmm Glad you are looking for jobs now and building your confidence up.