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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

274 replies

Chipbutty67 · 26/12/2018 22:14

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

OP posts:
Readysteadygoat · 26/12/2018 22:26

LTB

sue51 · 26/12/2018 22:26

He doesn't respect you and belittles you in public. Do you want your children to follow his example? Things can't continue like this.

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 26/12/2018 22:27

I would have had the argument in the showroom and make damn sure I had a say too. Fuck him. Time to stand up for yourself

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/12/2018 22:27

He is being horrible and acting like his role in the family and decision making is worth more because his role brings in money. In a healthy relationship choices are made together and both people compromise and if both have agreed for one person to stay at home then money is family money and both persons contributions are equally valued. He is not valuing your role or respecting you. He's treating you like an employee and he's the boss. You should be grateful!? Well I'm sure you are but he should also be grateful you're doing childcare 24 / 7 and cleaning cooking etc however he doesn't seem to be appreciating you.
Could you have a talk with him about how he doesn't appreciate you and if it doesn't change then you will go back to work so you both have equality in the relationship and he will need to do 50pc of child related / hours related chores, pick ups drop offs and days off to look after sick kids. If he doesn't change after that you might need to consider ltb

Theknacktoflying · 26/12/2018 22:28

Fuck any dick over 25 who still needs a game console ...

BasinHaircut · 26/12/2018 22:28

For asking? You do not need his permission to have a bloody pan drawer!

Please don’t let him make you feel bad.

JoyceTempleSavage · 26/12/2018 22:29

If you divorced him after 10 years you could take him to the cleaners OP

Or yourself to magnet and southern for the pan drawer of your dreams

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/12/2018 22:30

What an absolute arsehole. He thinks he’s in charge because it’s “his” money.

I honestly couldn’t live like that and I would be cancelling that kitchen and getting out.

What is stopping you from telling him exactly what you think of him?

Nonomore3 · 26/12/2018 22:30

My husband cooks 80% of the time. As such I recently let him decide on everything in our new kitchen. My only request was to be consulted on the colour scheme!
I appreciate he knows the space much better than me and it’s more important that it works for him and not for me. Plus I trust him.
I’m so sorry your partner treats you so badly.

NoFucksImAQueen · 26/12/2018 22:30

your husband is vile. I'm sure he wouldn't have taken kindly to you talking to him that way when you were the higher earner eh?
he doesn't place any value on you being a mother to his children and whag it did to your health

redastherose · 26/12/2018 22:30

I think you may have been conditioned into feeling that you don't get an equal say as you aren't earning the money. It is very easy to fall into this trap as society is fundamentally materialistic and misogynistic.

You need to spell it out to him. You are married, Married means equal partners. If his view is anything but that you are both equal in this partnership then you will no longer be together and he will see how the court split everything between you.

This sounds very dramatic as drastic but it really is essential that he understands that you are not there to facilitate his life but you are both equal regardless of who actually earns the money.

If he thinks otherwise you will immediately be looking for full time work and he will be taking over responsibility for 50% of all childcare, household duties, childcare costs etc.

You are losing valuable years of earning potential and if he's a twat who is going to carry on being so disrespectful then you may as well leave now and stop facilitating his easy life. And make no doubt it really is an easy life to just go to work and come home and someone else has done all the drudge and donkey work.

Hohocabbage · 26/12/2018 22:31

What an arse. Please don’t feel bad, the sales people will judge him not you.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/12/2018 22:31

I would also be getting a full time job and telling him that the childcare and everything else was 50:50 from now on. He thinks he’s Billy Big Bollocks because he gets a pay cheque while you’re Little Subservient Lady who does his bidding at home.

Nonomore3 · 26/12/2018 22:32

I didn’t read the bit about you now crying in bed. That’s so sad.
My baby is crying so I must go and have no real safe advice but I have been there and I later found happiness. I hope things are better for you in 2019.

Willow4987 · 26/12/2018 22:32

I’ve got no real advice re the relationship however

Pan drawers are the single best thing I put into my kitchen! Most of mine are these now and they are the best

You’ve said you’re using the kitchen more, so to be honest I agree that in this instance you should have more of a say over functionality etc

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2018 22:32

OP that’s horrid. I cook. DH really doesn’t. I’m a SAHM. When we had a new kitchen we discussed all the options and decided together. Because we’re a team.

EchoCardioGran · 26/12/2018 22:32

I'm sorry, he seems to have spent years whittling away at your self esteem. You are a bright and intelligent woman. You really do not need this idiot, plan your escape.

BottleOfJameson · 26/12/2018 22:33

He sounds like a total twat.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/12/2018 22:33

I would also open up my own account and start siphoning off money into that for myself. He didn’t have a problem with your financial support when he was unemployed did he? Prick that he is.

echt · 26/12/2018 22:34

He sounds foul. Any respect he had was entirely related to money, so the quicker you can establish a greater degree of independence the better. I don't mean to regain his respect, because he's horrible, but to make leaving him more feasible. He won't get better.

As an aside, when my late DH and I were re-jigging the kitchen, part from decorative aspects, he made all the choices as he was the cook. Common sense really.

Debfronut · 26/12/2018 22:34

Hi OP I think you have devalued yourself because you used to be a high earner and now you have convinced yourself you are worth less because you are a SAHM. You need to work on your self esteem. He is treating you like less because you are allowing him too, not because you are less. Get up in the morning and tell him he behaved like an arse and you want an apology. If he cannot then you need to look him in the eye and tell him you need to look at separating as he clearly does not value you anymore. You must make him treat you like an equal or your children will take him as a role model and your life will only get worse. New year new beginnings.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 26/12/2018 22:35

Your husband is a pig, actually scrap that as it’s insulting to pigs. Did he actually say that you don’t know the value of money because you don’t earn it in front of the sales person? He obviously has no respect for you at all and in fact he clearly treats you with utter contempt, I’m guessing you have to ask for money in every other aspect of your life and no doubt have to justify it as well while he buys what he wants and does what he wants, it’s the same old story on mumsnet, every.single.time. No way could I be with a man he held me in such disregard, if I was you I would get myself back in the workplace, though I’m guessing he is the type of man who would make you pay for the childcare from your salary as he would see it as your responsibility and not contribute himself, I’m not much help I apologise, but I just could not stay with a man who treated me with such contempt.

FFSFFSFFS · 26/12/2018 22:36

Why does he get to make the final decisions? Why is the power dynamic that it is his final call?

Nanna50 · 26/12/2018 22:38

What yoyo said.

It sounds like what’s yours is his and what’s his is his own. Does he realise what a monumental dick he is? How dare he undermine you I would be reminding him where the money has come from.

We’ve had joint finances for decades and periods where I was a SAHM and my DH has been off work with illness. The money was always ours whoever ‘earned’ it and all big spending decisions are always joint.

Don’t let him diminish your self esteem especially while stroking his own ego. I hope he apologises and gets his act together.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 26/12/2018 22:38

I hear you. The kitchen is for the family but it's your work space. He isn't buying it 'for you'. It's a necessary expense. This is not a christmas present. Hmmmm. I really feel you need to share with him how you feel and that you need a christmas present for yourself from him and one from the kids. If you didn't have kids I'd say leave... but.... Get him to buy you yoga gear, yoga/pilates pass, massage, chiropractic/osteopathic treatments AND a christmas present. Grrr.

My mum lost a diamond in her engagement ring and the money was spent on a dishwasher. As if that was a luxury. And not an essential family item. She got a microwave for christmas. She inherited money and it was spent on a new kitchen..... Does your husband interrupt you? This sounds mean. He hasn't had 2 kids.