To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

[Chipbutty67]

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

It doesn't sound petty at all.
It sounds nasty and controlling and to speak to you like that in front of a sales person was designed to put you in your box and keep you quiet.

And sadly you let him although I can understand why if your confidence has taken a knock.
I think you realise it is time to make changes and regain some power in your relationship.
Does he know you are seeing a therapist?

What is it with MNers always advocating divorce. Your DH said a horrible thing. He clearly doesn't value your role in the home or your earlier financial contribution.

Isn't it better you have a discussion with him when you've had a chance to calm down. Then you can logically explain all the ways he's a twat for speaking to you the way he did.

It's good you're thinking of returning to work because it's clear he's not someone who will be happy with you being a sahm. You need your own money and a route out financially should it come to it

Can you sit down and talk to him, just read your above reply. It makes me so angry on your behalf to hear how he spoke to you. Being a stay at home mum is no easy job. I’m a stay at home mum and I’m very lucky as my husband is very hands on but he recently had a month at home before starting a new job and declared he was going back to work for a rest! I used to be our bread winner before we had children and my husband started to earn more and we spilt everything equally then and still do now. Our salaries before kids and just his now have always gone straight into our joint account, all bills are paid from there and we both have a standing order for day to day money and our own spending money to do what we want with to our own accounts. I’m very much so treated as an equal as we should be. Bringing up children is an important job too. I’m sorry you had such a difficult recovery and hard time after having your baby. It sounds like your self esteem is really low. I hope after reading this thread you’ll realise you deserve to be treated so much better. I hope you can find the confidence to make a stand and if nothing changes to realise you are worth so much more than the way he is making you feel.

Oh OP it's not just the not 'letting' you have a say in the kitchen (which is a communal space as everyone benefits from it), it's the way he spoke to you in front of the salespeople.

I'd have walked out at that point and left him to do all the 'choosing' then I wouldn't cook a single thing for him again. I'd have been seething with anger.

As PP say he's hugely disrespectful, it sounds like he's gaslighting you too. Get yourself over to the Relationship board for advice from the wise people there on next steps. It's not as easy as LTB esp when you have a child together. But you need to be clear this treatment is unacceptable. Please don't show him this thread which is support for you; not ammo for him.

My DH runs his own business, and as a result expects to get his own way bulldozing making decisions at home. He rearranged our kitchen one day as it "didn't make sense" laid out the way it was by me - as in the person who cooks every meal in it.

I didn't cook until 10 days later when he moved it all back. I didn't argue, I didn't bitch at him, I just quietly stood my ground.

He's choosing the spec/layout of the kitchen, he cooks. Simples.

So you were initially the earner and he was unemployed? Your money paid for the deposit on the flat which you've now sold and released equity, most of which is yours, and he is being shitty about 'him' paying for the kitchen?? Fuck that. Dry your eyes, go downstairs and give it to him with both barrels. Why are you allowing yourself to be spoken to and treated like that? Tbh, I would have taken my DH's head off in front of the kitchen person if he had said that to me. But then my DH would never say that.

Get the pan drawer, then take a heavy pan out of it and smash it in his stupid face, then ask him how does he like you now?

Dh sounds as if he makes "put me down" statements in front of other people to bolster his own inflated ego. You need to tackle this problem.

A good kitchen sales person would often pick up on this sort of thing very quickly. These are big ticket sales and a lost order means lost commission.

Maybe ring the sales person whilst DH is out and mention that you are having second thoughts about buying the kitchen, because the current design does not really meet your needs, as the main cook in the home. Any sales person worth their salt would offer to re-design the kitchen to meet your individual needs. At that point you would have two designs to choose from and there may not be a great deal of difference in the price. If it is more expensive there may be other adjustments to bring the price down to your budget.

If DH insists on having his way, simply refuse to order the kitchen design you do not like. Say you will wait until you are back at work and can afford a more user friendly kitchen. Point out that it will have to last many years and that DH may end up doing the cooking himself, once you are back at work.

Our own kitchen is nearly 20 years old. We have a large corner unit where the pans and baking trays are stored. It provides great storage space, but is no longer suitable as getting down on hands and knees is not going to get easier for me. 20 years ago this did not enter into the choices we made. Once the last adult DC has left home, we plan to get a new kitchen, but in the meantime it can wait.

It's heart breaking that you feel you might be BU over this. He's horrible to speak like that to you and to do it in public is even worse. I'm relieved your therapist has picked up on his digs, is helping you to spot them and is supporting you.

Don't let the bastard grind you down.

I am so angry on your behalf. Order the bloody pan drawers, then organise seeing a lawyer. - He sounds like a Dick.

Jesus op he has done a number on you. Go back to your job, get a nanny and fuck him off.

This sounds exactly like how my dad treated my mum. They split 20 years ago now after 30 years together.

Dad bought the cheapest possibly kitchen but spent big bucks on his car - because he ‘needed’ a decent car as he spent quite a lot of time in it. Didn’t matter that mum spent practically all her time either in the kitchen for ferrying three kids about.

As soon as they split and dad moved out, he spent a fortune on a new kitchen for himself. Just like your husband, he can see the value when he wants it, just not when anyone else wants it.

I don’t know how to advise you, but good luck whatever you decide.

Just in case you haven't got the message yet, that is no way to treat someone you love, or the mother of your child, or your life partner, or someone who has helped you in the past. Let alone someone who is all those people in one. He needs a total reboot.

You write very eloquently, OP. Can you put all of this to him in a letter or an email, so that he can't shut down discussion without hearing your point of view? I often feel MN is quick to advise LTB, but he needs to understand that's a risk he runs if he carries on in this vein. YADNBU.

He is a nasty controlling knob. He won't get better. I would make plans to leave him. Bringing children up in in this kind of toxic atmosphere gives them a warped view of what relationships should be like and does them no good at all.

And yes pan drawers are brilliant. And I am raging on your behalf that your so called DH belittled you in the showroom. .

OP you sound really nice.
Your husband sounds like a complacent, entitled, misogynistic arsehole. He embarrassed himself in the shop and humiliated you. Don't bother asking permission from someone who is supposed to be your greatest champion, but treats you like a burden.
It sounds like he gas lights you too, telling you that his nasty, insensitive comments are 'jokes'. If it hurts someone, its not a joke. Its bullying.
You deserve alot better and I hope you can see that

Agree, he's a twat.

He's brainwashed you to the point that you felt 'petty' typing this out, yet every single reply has told you that you are fully justified in feeling upset. You say there are arguments when you discuss returning to work. He sounds controlling and abusive. Look into the freedom programme. You need a new perspective on your relationship.

My DH says thoughtless things like this on occasion. In all other ways he is a decent bloke. I rarely let him off without a ‘you’re being a twat’ argument and an apology.

While explaining what a dickswab he was please point out that it is YOUR original deposit which is enabling you to release equity in the first place! And then tell him exactly how many hours per week you do in your unpaid job and suggest he swap places for a week before he passes comment again.

Also, do get a pan drawer.

Don't let him away with deciding. You were in an awkward situation with the salesperson there but at home take a stand. Tell him quite forcefully that you are deciding what you want. These guys are weak underneath and when you step forward and use your voice he will back down. Don't apologise for wanting what you want. A kitchen has to suit a family and its important you have a say. Just say..l am deciding this and thats it. Its my kitchen and remember my money too so dont ever humiliate me in front of someone like that again. Give him socks. You have full permission now you know you are not unreasonable. Tell him to call up and order those drawers and whatever else you would like. No apologies.
Were you making him feel small when you bought your first property and he hadn't a bean..no!! He has some cheek.

Tell him "his" kitchen can go in the new home he can fucking buy- otherwise he should "learn the value of money" in a house YOU bought. Get him to fuck out your life, you'd be better off alone.

I am so sorry OP. Your OH has done a number on you for years presumably to the point that you actually do not see how controlling and abusive he is. I have been there (and its tough to get over, I am still working through it!) Read this thread through again and think about what people on here are saying. Good luck xxx

What a horrible twat. I became disabled after having my DC. Whilst doing up our house, the kitchen was redone. Every step of the way my DH made sure that every cupboard and gadget in the kitchen was suitable for me and took into account me being not able to bend or lift much. Even though he has to lift and carry everything for me anyway. He wanted me to feel comfortable. He chose the colour of the kitchen worktop and the colour of the cupboards. Not anything else and even though we had a budget to stick to, there was never a question of not having something that could potentially help me. It was done without a fuss. This is what it should be like OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable Or petty.

I would not be cooking anything for him. Cook for the kids but don’t go out of your way to make anything for your DH. I never say LTB but frankly I might consider it in your shoes