To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

[Chipbutty67]

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

*advice

Op, go out and buy yourself something you really like. (And order the pan drawer) when he asks where you got it simply explain 'I don't need a kitchen, the family need a kitchen. A kitchen is a present for every one in the house who wants to eat and have their washing done. I believe you eat the food prepped in the kitchen aswell as wearing the clean washing that i do in there. I also belive you got a xmas present (new tech stuff) and will benefit from the kitchen too. This is my present. This makes us equal like we should be. Yes you are working now but when we first got together you were not, yet i always treated you as an equal, you need to think about how you are treating me'. Then walk away, do not engage in further discussion with him and go and treat yourself to a coffee.

He treats you with zero respect, and you are 100% right about pan drawers.

We had a new kitchen couple of years ago, and almost all cupboard space was used for pan drawers. They are so practical for the exact reason you stated.

Put your foor down and get those drawers, or like others said, cancel kitchen, sell the house and LTB.

Looking in again. I'm glad you have so many replies. I hope that you feel supported here. This is why Mumsnet is such an important place for us.

I’ve only ever said this once before, but...LTB

The man is a Knob, nay an Epic Überknob.
You are worth more. It is not your job to teach him respect and manners. He’s a grown ass man. If he doesn’t realise he has been a shit, then he’s beyond hope. Fucker.

I’ve never said this before

LTB

I've never said this before but LTB. Honestly there is absolutely no way on this planet that I would tolerate being spoken to like that.

The demeaning in public was a game changer for me, OP.
It's humiliating - and the arsehole you're married to
is supposed to be your biggest supporter.
Get rid.

I would have buried him in the bloody drawer if he dared to speak to me like that in public and I am quite easy going normally. He humiliated you on purpose. Your earnings helped with the flat and he wouldn’t be able to do his amazing job without you looking after the children.

I would be looking into full time work and presenting him with a proportional bill for childcare and a cleaner. Absolutely furious on your behalf. What an absolute arse goblin he is

Don't look for part-time work, look for fulltime work. This will maje it easier for you to leave.

Sorry OP but it wasn't a throw away comment. He did if to belittle you in public. He is an arrogant twat fueling his new found power and ego. He has trodden you down so low and has no respect for you. He does not see you as his equal. Time to get your self respect and self worth back. Time for the worm to turn. Put a stop to the kitchen for now on the basis of it needing a rethink. In reality use the time to formulate your exit plan. Gather evidence of financial information etc and if you can't, at least go and seek free legal advice. Working PT as a single parent you will manage, with maintenance and tax credits. Your sanity, and the way your children see how he belittles you are why you need to leave this toxic relationship.

I had to Google what a pan drawer is. So often there are things I've not heard of that others class as essentials (think warming drawers etc) so I assumed it was some swanky thing.

But it seems to be literally a drawer. One you could use for anything but you would use for pans. I even have draws in my crappy rented kitchen where I have different coloured tiles and different coloured work tops (and not in the modern way where the centre island might be different but complimentary in style). Draws are brilliant.

Why is he making a big deal of this? It is a fucking drawer.

He values you less than a drawer.

No advice, sorry. But my dh does this too. He loves me, but since I stopped work to cover childcare (and support him in his business) when he set up his own business and needed ridiculously long hours he seems to respect me less. In his head, because he makes a lot more money I “can have anything I want”. The reality is I have enough money for food and beyond that he decides what “I” want and treats me to it. I have no actual access to cash, though he says I can help myself to it he quizzes me on where money has gone and why (I used £40 once, never again!) He believes he is supporting me 100%, which he is financially. I feel like I’ve lost a career I loved and any independence. He doesn’t seem to recognise what I do (all housework, cooking, laundry, childcare) as he just sees how busy he is and has no idea how busy I am. He notices when things aren’t done (4dc are hard to keep on top of!) I suspect I don’t show him as much appreciation as he’d like either though. It’s hard. Like you, I used to earn more and pay more (£300-700 a month) but he didn’t notice at the time and I’d never bring it up. I think it’s too easy to focus on our own contributions and miss the other’s. I’m hoping it improves when I return to work next month, but yesterday he made a comment about me not needing to, and him having to do breakfast club drop offs just because I “want” to work so maybe not. I hope things work out for us both OP.

Agree with pretty much everything other posters have said. You’ve been gradually undermined and demeaned until you believe this vile little man when he tells you that you have no worth.

Whereas of course the opposite is true. You are worth so much more than the selfish prick who has done this to you. And he knows it. Which is why he’s done this to you.

Be strong. Rise up and stretch outside the small outline he’s drawn for you. You are an amazing woman. You can reach high and wide and write your dreams on the stars if you should want to.

Whereas he is a vile little slug confined by his own small and unpleasant soul. And needs stamping on, preferably from a great height. There will be volunteers.

But it’s not just about building your confident to reach up and out of the confines of your crushed self esteem... You have been struck a blow in life by the physical injuries to your body and you need care and gentleness as you find different ways to do things so your body is tended to and not harmed by everyday living.

Forcing you to hurt yourself through daily movement when there is a choice of a better way... well, that’s using your body as a cage, as a way to hobble you, to limit you and stop you reaching up and touching those stars. He won’t need to keep your mind a prisoner if your body is doing the work for him.

Trust me in this, I became physically disabled due to illness 8 yrs ago, so I know what a difference everyday pressures and strains make on your body. And what a difference the relief from those also makes.

IF you still decide to spend the money on a kitchen at this time, start again. What would really help your body every day? Pan drawers yes, but what else?

Agree with PP. It's not a throwaway comment - it's a deliberate dig which is designed to humiliate you and remind you that he's in charge.

Do you think that he would take your criticism on board and commit to changing, if you gave him both barrels? If so then do.

If not, then get work lined up and then find a good divorce lawyer.

The sales people will have decided he's a twat rather than thinking you are lazy and entitled that's the way most people see men who behave like that.
He picked you because he saw that but by bit he could pick you apart and you'd feel you had no option but to gratefully stay with him for ever.
I would start a plan to achieving more independence. Each put down being a metaphorical item going in his bags for when you throw him out..
You are stronger than you think and braver than you know.

He is not a good man. Kind, decent men do not speak like that to/about people they profess to love.

FYI one of the most useful things in my house is Alexa connected to lamps and lights. Voice activated lamps by the bed especially are amazing!!!

No relying on others to turn out the lights after I’ve lain down, & they didn’t turn them off so I have to get up and do it! Which used to both wind me up no end but also hurt me, and used up that little bit more energy just when I was at my lowest ebb.

My shoulder got instantly better as I hadn’t realised how much pressure I was putting on the joint twisting it round to reach an awkward switch on my bedside lamp.

Lastly, I’ve set up DS’s night light to go on at bedtime each night and off in the morning as a routine, and no human even has to think about it, which is perfect. So I don’t have to bend down to plug it in each night, or go back into DS room when I’d forgotten to do it.

Just one example of how your daily movements can be transformed by your environment.

It Does Matter. You Matter.

I agree with buying the pan drawer and say it was for his birthday and see if he feels the same way you do

What does he say if you point out you supported him when he was unemployed and never made him feel like a burden?

The dining table and the car were counted as presents for you? That makes me feel really sad. What a wanker.

I'm actually really horrified at what he said in front of the sakes person. If he says that in front of you, it implies that he feels contempt for you.

You can survive without him, in fact you will most likely blossom without him

Don’t ltb straight away. Sit down and talk to
him about how his behaviour is making you feel. It would be madness to throw away 10 years without doing so. You have a child together, you must at least talk with him first. I would definitely get yourself back in the workplace somehow, relearn your skills and start to slowly branch out again. It’ll help knowing you have some financial security and be good for your independence. Good luck.

Just came back to say thank you to everyone who has replied, I am reading all the new replies this morning and they all help.

In honesty, whilst I suffered from Post natal anxiety and had 2 dc in a new country away from all my family and friends, my marriage slipped into an unhealthy dynamic. Most of my anxiety was a fear of not being good enough (as a mother, a wife, a person).

I’ve been posting to MN for a couple of years now under different usernames, and I appreciate it must be frustrating to read this, but I’ve been making slow progress to get back a sense of myself. I was in complete denial when I started posting. Eventually, I followed the links some posters left and started reading about assertiveness and personal boundaries. In April, I realised my inability to set boundaries would hurt my DC and I for all our lives if I didn’t address it, so I finally started seeing a therapist. She has been working with me on asserting myself not only to DH but also my physically abusive parents.

I’ve also finally reached out to old work contacts in the last month to start retraining and applying for jobs.

In a lot of situations, DH responds much better if I draw firm boundaries. As a small example, he would expect to get in from work, then decide what he wanted for dinner and have me cook it ‘to order’. I was knackered but felt unable to vocalise how I felt. After advice on MN, I put my foot down and just said ‘no’. Once he realised I meant it, he never asked again.

That’s a small example, but if you’ve never been taught or shown assertiveness it’s surprisingly hard to know which issues to take a stand on and which to let slide.

Sorry, the essay above just boils down to thank you to everyone who replied and I’m doing my best to make changes in my life so I’m not in this position in another 5 years.

I will have a talk with him this evening about his comments, as a matter of principle, whether he acknowledges my points or not.

I also feel very annoyed that he routinely uses family purchases as ‘presents’. Ie when we bought a new dining table (his choice) that was my birthday present one year. A family car was my present another year. I’m fine with him not getting me anything, and he often doesn’t, but this feels so patronising.

Quite frankly, I'd LTB. And when I went, I'd take all the "presents" with me. Because as presents, they'd be mine, wouldn't they?

@Chipbutty67 I am so happy to hear your reply. It sounds like you have your head in the right place now to be taking this shit on. In 5 years life will be different whether you’re with this man or not (and honestly I hope not). Maybe after your chat tonight you can gauge better if he will change. I am just very cynical about people who speak so disrespectfully to others especially those they love.