To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

[Chipbutty67]

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

You don't ask him, you just do. He's chipped away at your confidence so you accept your role as a skivvy to him. He's a cock and this would be the end for me. I'd go back to work FT and leave him.

He sounds abusive, both financially and emotionally.

It's very easy to say, but why didn't you say something, but when you are living with an emotionally abusive partner, it can be very hard to speak up as you have been so conditioned not to say anything because you know there will be consequences and it's just all too hard to deal with.

My advice to you, is to find a job and start building your financial independence to get rid of this awful man.

Ring or contact them and make the adjustments you need. Fuck his off. Then tell him to go fuck himself.

What a cruel bully he is. Kicking you when you are vulnerabe.

Please do think seriously about leaving him and use your part of the equity to rebuild your life

Oh OP, he is a twat. The way he spoke to you in public was a cruel performance, had Ihave of been that employee I would have been mortified for you and thinking what a pathetic twat he sounded trying to act the big man waving his credit card over a bloody high street kitchen. If that had been my DH id have handed his arse to him on a plate and reminded him my earned money from the lengthy period of time I was the breadwinner is the main reason we have a house, since he was unable to contribute anything much himself and pointed out how much he was embarrassing himself in public.
It's a really disturbing dynamic that you have going on, and nobody deserves to be made to feel this way, i would be very seriously assessing if i were you, why i was with him and why I was not sticking up for myself, whilst looking into how I could leave. It sound a like you've had a very hard time, and he's used that to keep you down where he wants you, rather than doing what he should be doing; bringing you up, letting you know you're an equal and acknowledging all that you do. If he won't even discuss bits of a kitchen that benefit your bad back he is just a pig and is telling you how much he thinks of you by doing so.
Maybe show him this thread, then he can see everyone else who's saying he's pathetic and unappealing, because I suspect if you call him out he will pan you for being the one causing a fuss. Do you love and fancy this man OP? What's in this for you?

Re reading your post I actually flushed with anger at his humiliating comment in the shop. Who the fuck does he think he is.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how much I’d like to kick his bollocks up his throat for doing that to you. How you held back from going ballistic in the shop I don’t know.

Ffs what a wanker. How dare he speak to you like that. I'd tell him based on his contempt for you you'll be immediately looking to return to full time work and expecting him to take his share of childcare.

Maybe my 3rd “LTB” in over 10 years here.

He sounds awful , OP!

Have you pointed out that it was largely your money that enabled you both to purchase and therefore benefit from a bigger home, likely increasing your wealth via the equity you have presumably accumulated? Remind him sharpish that you have never begrudged him a penny and have made choices and sacrfices in the interests of the family unit.

You need to jog his memory OP. Remind him how he has benefited from your genorosity and support and tell him that publicly humiliating you is unacceptable. He needs to hear that if he does it again, he will lose your trust, respect and will be jeopardising the marriage. Its not a good idea to let things like this slide as it chips away at your self-esteem and before you know it, he's talking to you like this regularly. Take back control, value yourself. You have given up a high earning job and lost valuable career time looking after the kids. He should be kissing your feet in gratitude and happy to buy two fucking drawers if thats what you need.
Do you want to go back to work?

Horrible. No need for a comment like that! Go back and add it on. Fuck him.

Oh OP, I was shocked reading your post!

I'm not a SAHM but if my DH dared to say anything like that to me in your position I'd have said something at the time then brought it up again after the children were in bed to have it out properly. I'd be livid. How rude of him!! Both of you are contributing to your family but in different ways... no way he should make you feel like the money he earns is just his (i.e. be grateful for 'treats') when you're doing all childcare etc. and you clearly do know the value of money so that was a truly stupid comment.

I would also call and change the bits you want in the kitchen. You definitely know better than he does on that if he never uses the kitchen! What an idiot.

Pan drawers are the best kitchen purchase I've ever made. Followed by integrated bins.

The fact that you thought you were going to get told YABU says everything about the level of shit this arsewipe has put you through.

He’s done a real number on you to have destroyed your confidence and rational mind to this degree.

Divorce papers for new year, and take him to the cleaners. Hope he’s left penniless.

I’m a man by the way.

Cancel the kitchen and LTB.

You definitely don't deserve to be treated or thought about like this.

Xxx

Thank you everyone! I will ring up and get the bloody pan drawers.

Re the posters saying why I don’t speak up, I agree, it’s been a large part of the problem since I became a SAHM. After an awful birth and poorly baby I suffered very badly with post-natal anxiety. Now my youngest is in nursery, I’ve finally started to see a therapist and she’s helped me see that whilst DH financially supported me, he does quite often like to have little digs which he’ll later dismiss or dress up as jokes. Ive been practising putting my foot down and telling him it’s unacceptable but every once in a while I get so muddled I genuinely can’t see if he is unreasonable or I am and I need someone to set me straight again.

He’s a twat and obviously forgotten when he was unemployed and that you used your savings for the flat deposit. Perhaps he should remind him.

Show him this thread.

And get the taps you like as well.

I am definitely planning on going back to work - I’ve sent out applications and I’m signed up with a few recruitment agencies as well, as I know deep down that I can’t rely on him.

If anything I feel so stupid for putting myself in a position where I can be told off for asking for a drawer.

I have a friend who decided to divorce her DH after a similar 'straw' that broke her back (new kitchen floor surface). She admitted to me that in 23 years he had never cooked a meal (apart from show-offy bbqs in front of friends) but she never even got to once choose so much as a wall paper!

Get him to fuck now OP.

I wonder how many times a day you could fit the words "when you were unemployed and I supported you" into conversations in public.

Example:

"Americano for Fuckwit?" shouts the Barrista

"Oh Darling, that's for you" you bellow "do you remember when you were unemployed and I supported you? You used to drink flat whites! Do you hear that Barrista? When he was unemployed and I supported him he drank flat whites!"

Who the hell does he think he is? It’s your money that’s being used for the kitchen.

Just saw your last two posts. A joke is only a joke if it is funny and designed to make someone laugh. It’s not a joke if it’s designed to humiliate or put someone down.

You deserve better than this, you really do. Persistently criticising you, at home and in public, is not something a kind, loving, respectful partner does. I don’t say this lightly, but I’d be making plans to leave him.

Do ring tomorrow and order the pan drawers - they are a brilliant invention and worth every penny.
And then ring a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row.
He has zero respect for you. How dare he speak to you like that ?