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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 25/12/2018 20:28

Why isn’t he working? Is he doing all the domestic stuff at home instead?

I’m a bit torn. If his dad had given him an expensive watch, would you have expected him to sell it and give you some of the cash?

Maybe he should offer to spend some of it on a treat for you both.

Allthewaves · 25/12/2018 20:30

Is he a sahd?

Purpleartichoke · 25/12/2018 20:30

Depends on why he isn’t working. If you decided it was best he be a SAHD, then I don’t think he should offer to share. If he is seeking employment and failing to find it, that money should go to household bills.

santakiss · 25/12/2018 20:30

yes i think he should share it. Why hasn't he worked for so long?

GlassLantern · 25/12/2018 20:31

Why isnt he signing on?

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:33

He does most of the domestic stuff -90 percent.

If it was a watch I would never expect him to sell it. At the moment money is a bit tight and this is money.

Fully prepaired to be told IABU.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:35

He won't sign on he hates the idea.

As to why he isn't working; it's difficult iy you're unskilled and over 50.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/12/2018 20:35

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. He clearly believes your money is family money. Well, so is his.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:36

Not a SAHD we have no children.

OP posts:
steff13 · 25/12/2018 20:36

"Out of work," makes it sound as though he's lost his job. Is that the case? If so, I think it should become household money, at least some of it. If you chose for him to be a stay at home dad, I think that's a bit different.

steff13 · 25/12/2018 20:37

Oh, lots of crossposts. I'd let him keep the money and LTB.

Sassypants82 · 25/12/2018 20:37

We both work, have healthy disposable income & want for nothing, within reason. DH mentioned this evening that his mother gave 'us' (him) a few hundred € for Christmas. It didn't even cross his mind that it wouldn't go into the joint pot despite it being his, really. my parents gave me a present, which is only for me. Not cash. Both sides gave kids cash gifts.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:38

Made redundant 3 years ago.
His efforts to find work have been variable. For a while he didn't try. At the moment he is looking again.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 25/12/2018 20:38

Unless his dad said it was a joint gift then no, it was gifted to him by a parent in lieu of a physical gift.

His job situation needs addressing though, I'd not be supporting three years of no work. You can be temping within days usually, no reason to not be doing some form of work.

JumpingJunipersBatman · 25/12/2018 20:38

My parents went through a phase of only giving me money for Christmas and ignoring my husband (still no idea why). 99% of the time I used the money for sometging for both of us.

I can see where you're coming from but I can also imagine your husband feeling like he has some money which he hasn't had to get from you so may be reluctant to share. Does that make sense?

WhatsUpHun · 25/12/2018 20:39

He won't sign on he hates the idea. happy to live off you though? When you're taking on an extra day a weeks work?

Studentnurse92 · 25/12/2018 20:39

My dad gave mealarhe cash gift and I sharing it fully with my OH. He is the bread winner and I am a student studying for a better future plus SAHM. He should share.

gamerwidow · 25/12/2018 20:40

He shouldn’t have to give up his present if he doesn’t want to but he absolutely should be signing on. It’s ridiculous to be too proud to bring some money into the household.
If it was a woman who didn’t work and her husband expected her to hand over her gift I expect the answers here would be different.

FissionChips · 25/12/2018 20:40

Hates the idea of signing on but doesn’t mind his wife having to take on extra work?Hmm

ChodeofChodeHall · 25/12/2018 20:41

Sounds like a cocklodger to me.

Blueblueyellow · 25/12/2018 20:41

No this doesn't sound fair at all!! He won't sign on, that's selfish and puts a lot of pressure on you. He sounds very stubborn. He really should share that money with you or say we can go for a nice meal, something. You are not being unreasonable.

RandomMess · 25/12/2018 20:41

We've always shared in lean and bountiful times!

SayNoToCarrots · 25/12/2018 20:44

He can't sign on if you are a full time teacher.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2018 20:44

It's his - it's a present.

I absolutely wouldn't be prepared to put up with him refusing to claim benefits and not putting his back into securing employment though. Unless he's claiming and seriously seeking work I wouldn't fund his car.

gamerwidow · 25/12/2018 20:46

SayNoToCarrots assuming the rules are still the same he could sign on for 6 months contribution based JSA but once this runs out you are right and he probably wouldn’t be entitled to anything else.