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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 25/12/2018 21:57

He should definitely offer to share the cash, especially given the updates. FWIW, I agree with the others - there's work if he wants it but he sounds happy to sponge off you, sorry Op.

Waddsup12 · 25/12/2018 22:01

B & Q employ a fair few older men, excellent job, I think.

Viewber. Showing people round houses.

I'm "looked after" but I try to pick up odd jobs, do house stuff & all sorts. I share any money I get, as it's deemed an "extra" and we use it for lunches out. If we were struggling tho, I'd get a more stable income, I wouldn't have DH doing extra work.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2018 22:03

He can certainly finance his own car for a bit.

PositiveAttitude · 25/12/2018 22:08

There are jobs out there for people over the age of 50 if they are prepared to work.

My husband was made redundant earlier this month. he used his notice period to look for anything going and was only unemployed for 2 days. The new job is not great, not what he wants to be doing, and the money is not brilliant either, but not working and not contributing to the family income was just not an option for him. The longer he is unemployed the more unemployable he will become. He should at least be doing voluntary work to get into the work mindset and improve his CV. You should not have to work extra when he is doing nothing.

The money gift is a separate issue.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/12/2018 22:09

You have bigger problems than whether he shares his Christmas cash

Onestep2 · 25/12/2018 22:10

Please don't make excuses for him. He hasn't worked for three years?? That is pure fucking laziness. He is taking you for an absolute ride.

What does he do all day??? I would resent my DH if I were you. Out working all day for him to sit about on his arse n not bother about work

Cheesycheesytwist · 25/12/2018 22:10

Crikey OP. I'm sorry but you're a total mug. No DC and you're taking on extra work and are happy to accept he will never work again?! Confused

BaronessBomburst · 25/12/2018 22:11

That is the biggest load of bollocks I've read in a long time.
I've been a training spouse who didn't speak the local language and still managed to find work. He needs to pull his finger out and contribute financially.

Miggeldy · 25/12/2018 22:21

Cocklodger.

TedAndLola · 25/12/2018 22:39

Would you be happy to watch someone you love work two jobs so you could sit on your arse all day?

How can you respect this man? He has no respect for you.

BottleOfJameson · 25/12/2018 22:47

It wouldn't even be a question for DH and I, our money is shared. If we get a bit extra it would be used either for a shared treat or we'd split it in half and buy our own things.

BottleOfJameson · 25/12/2018 22:49

I also agree with others if you don't have kids he's taking the piss. There's no way he couldn't have even found a shitty minimum wage job in that time. That would save you doing an extra job at least.

Ethel36 · 25/12/2018 22:53

Agree with previous posters, it's his..it's a present. But you shouldn't be taking on extra work nor funding his car/holidays. He needs to feel the pinch and actually be affected in order to motivate him to find a job. You say he is unskilled but that hardly matters as he can do shop/factory/warehouse work. My husband is unskilled too and im proud he works hard for his family on a low wage. Im sorry to say that I think you have spoiled him and made him too comfortable. He has become lazy and unmotivated. Tell him youre no longer working a second job and not funding his car. If he wants to keep a second car running them he needs to find a job.

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/12/2018 22:58

why are you paying for his car?
he doesn't need it right now.

seems he's being fussy re work....there are plenty of unskilled jobs he can apply for, just doesn't want to.

Curious2468 · 25/12/2018 23:01

Money gifts get put in the household pot here. I can’t imagine being sat with a spare few hundred and dh not having and spare funds and I wouldn’t expect the reverse either.

Pinkyyy · 25/12/2018 23:02

Complete and utter madness. OP you are partly to blame for allowing it to happen.

NarwalPap3r3 · 25/12/2018 23:34

If he is 50, his state retirement age will be approx 68. So that tells you how many years he has left to work. You can check on www.gov.uk state pension entitlement or the equivalent if you are not in UK. How can he be living on nothing/zero ? You need to get tough, set some deadlines. Of course there are jobs out there or do something self employed ! Lazy !

1ndig0 · 25/12/2018 23:37

I find this scenario absolutely unbelievable.

Of course he should want to give you the money - all of it!! Anyone else would insist. But more than that, he should want to support his wife and get a job. What’s going on?

Eilaianne · 25/12/2018 23:43

Your DH isn't a team player, OP.

He's utterly taking the piss.

No children, too proud to sign on, no job (not even a temp agency or Christmas cover?!) in three years, a car funded by you, you taking a second job to pay your joint bills... ignore the Christmas cash, it's a distraction.

You have much bigger problems and dysfunction.

Your DH has essentially chosen to become a housewife but you don't have kids - fine if that's decided by both of you, whatever works. But this isn't that situation. Time to wake up in 2019.

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2018 00:01

Much ad I love him even I know he's a klutz at work. He's also very shy and lacks confidence. He's utterly lovely but unemployable. Even I'd hate to work with him; he's so slow to do things around the house and it drives me nuts. He'd be a nightmare to work with!

Stop making excuses for this twat. He's playing you like a fiddle.

Let me guess, he has a game machine that he plays most of the day while you're at work?

InfiniteCurve · 26/12/2018 00:12

@katseyes7 , could you possibly post or pm details of those agencies you mentioned,that can offer support to people with social/other problems? Or clues on how to find details?
I know someone who would really benefit from some specific support,keen to work but shy,with anxiety and some health problems.Would be very grateful for any extra info Smile

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/12/2018 00:13

He has a driving licence so he certainly isn’t unemployable. There are plenty of driving jobs. There are plenty of jobs for able bodied people over 50 too who don’t have any problems with the hours that they can work (ie no childcare needed, no public transport needed).. tell him to find a job or fuck off.

My DP is a mechanic, when we relocated 200 miles away he worked at a pet food packing factory until he found a mechanic position. I’m a chef but my job is seasonal, so at the moment I’m waitressing on minimum wage so that the bills get paid. (And I’m 50 next year).

Waddsup12 · 26/12/2018 00:14

"Access to work" once in a job if you have a disability.

He's possibly slow because he's not fit to work. I know I'm way slower than when I was employed.

SushiMonster · 26/12/2018 00:15

Do people really find such helpless people attractive?

Do you want to fix him? Is he your project? He certainly isn’t your equal.

FlamingoPoet · 26/12/2018 00:16

I wouldn’t expect him to share the money. I would expect him to share the bread/milk/petrol/shampoo/other mundane household item/lovely family day out that he chooses to buy with it though.