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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/12/2018 15:17

What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own - couldn’t be more true in this case. Of course he should share it, tbh I’d expect him to treat you to something very expensive and sparkly and not spend a penny of it on himself without even being asked.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/12/2018 15:25

OP I’m sure he is lovely and supportive in a crisis. However the fact remains you’ve been working, what essentially is 1 full time job and 1 part time job whilst he doesn’t work at all. NO ONE in unemployable, driving, Tesco, any number of jobs he could apply for. Add that to the fact he’s been given some money and hasn’t offered any of it to you is bloody disrespectful as you e been working your arse off. If he truely adored you he wouldn’t sit by and watch you work so hard and not try and take the pressure off you.

My dh used to have a very very good job but was made redundant, after a few months of looking with no job he took a driving job to keep the money coming in, rather than me having to take a part time job along side my ft one. He was also given some money this Xmas and said straight away that he wanted to spend it on us for a weekend away.

Wer2Next · 27/12/2018 15:34

On a side note for a teacher your spelling is atrocious.

TedAndLola · 27/12/2018 16:27

I'm not going to.post details of how supportive he was when my elderly parents were dieing. How amazing he was when my sister had cancer. How kind he was to my friend and her daughter who stayed with us for 4 months o escape her abusive husband. None of that matters to Mumsnetters - they just wanted to a kick a man when he's down and shout MN's favourite word -COCKLODER.

Yeah, okay. For the third time - could you sit at home doing whatever you wanted while someone you loved worked two jobs to pay to bills?

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 17:27

Your spouse is supposed to be supportive of you in crises, pulling their weight in life does not preclude this. And he's hardly 'down', he's quite happy sponging away whilst you work extra to provide him with hols, car, all a person could need.

Accountant222 · 27/12/2018 17:32

Why post at all, if he offered, you would turn down, bit of a contradiction

nancyclancy123 · 27/12/2018 17:39

He needs a good kick up the arse and you’re an idiot for putting up with him!!!

Gth1234 · 27/12/2018 19:01

DH should be happy to share everything with you.

Not every couple works likes this, but given your previous contribution, he should. He definitely shouldn't be assuming its all his without a thought for you.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/12/2018 19:11

I wonder how selfish he will have to be before you realise and get rid of him.

Piewife · 27/12/2018 20:06

If my DH or I were given a few hundred for Christmas we would absolutely both assume we would share it and either put it towards something for the household if things were tight, or spend it on a family treat, like a weekend away or something.

We both contribute financially but this would apply whatever the financial situation at the time. It's selfish to keep it to yourself without even offering to share, and it's even worse in OP's situation where she is the sole provider and money is tight.

Underworld345 · 27/12/2018 21:46

Okay, her partner should go out and get a job. BUT people here are being very harsh and have pretty strong opinions on a scenario which the OP has given little info about. No one knows the ins and outs of their relationship.

I do think he should have offered to do something nice with the money like pay for a nice meal/day out for you both or contribute towards the bills.

Have you confronted him about it OP?

errorofjudgement · 27/12/2018 22:03

Op you don’t say whether your PILs gave you a present too?
I would expect parents to treat you both equally, you’ve been together long enough!
If not, then of course your DH should share his cash gift with you.

Regarding his lack of work, that’s between you two. There are many women who don’t work or only work part time, relying on their OH to support them.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 27/12/2018 22:17

This is my last post. Not just on this thread but on Mumsnet. I really can't bear the thought of turning into posters like many on here.

I haven't confronted as I avoid conflict. I always have done not just at home. It's held me back in many ways to my own cost.

His parents gave all 3 of their children cash. They spent about £5 on me. I didn't expect them to give me any money I was just curious as to whether people thought it should be shared.

The info about the job was just some backgound. I really was expecting myself, my DH and my marriage to be ripped apart and pissed so completely. But this is Mumsnet, that's why so many people come.

The abuse I've taken on here has personal to a level that cannot rationally be justified given the tiny amount you know about my marriage.

A little knowlegde is a dangerous thing; in the hands of a Mumsnetter it's deadly.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 27/12/2018 22:21

Lesson to learn, op, don't create drama that you want no part of.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 27/12/2018 22:21

Bring forth men children only.

OP posts:
Pa10ma · 27/12/2018 22:31

OP, I’m not saying he’s not a good person - I can’t possibly have any idea because I don’t know him. But you must have had some inkling of how people would react to your situation as YOU presented it. Surely? This just sounds like madness. Of course he should share this cash with you. So, as to your question, YES most men would do this automatically in your circumstances. As to the job situation, I really don’t know what to say so I won’t.

What do you mean “Bring forth men children only?” Confused

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 22:56

The only one who is abusing you is your spouse by sponging off you whilst you work two jobs and yet he won't share a bean with you. But as you seem to like it, crack on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/12/2018 22:59

‘Turning into posters like many on here’ ?

Fuck. You’ve been given honest feedback. Your situation is very one-sided and this banknote scenario proves the injustice and self-cendtredness that keeps your DP with you, using you.

But you turn on people reaching out to support you in respecting yourself. Wow.

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2018 23:05

Perhaps if you weren't so shy of conflict you wouldn't be in this situation.

category12 · 27/12/2018 23:12

To go back to your original question, it was his present, so no I wouldn't expect him to share it in terms of giving you half or putting it into the household finances. It'd be nice if he spent it on something you'd both enjoy, but it wouldn't be an expectation.

I think it only bothered you enough to post on here because you're not happy with the living situation. Although apparently you're fine with it and it's great. So that's alright then.

cushioncovers · 27/12/2018 23:14

Posters have just been honest op and you obviously don't like what you're hearing. 3 years of being unemployed is a very long time for a fit healthy person in their fifties. What would of happened if you were on a much lower income? What happens if you had to take early retirement yourself?

Has he tried to get a local unskilled job such? Has he volunteered to do any charity work? Or help out in the community?

ilovesooty · 27/12/2018 23:55

I think the OP is comparing posters to Lady Macbeth. I can only assume that's what "Bring forth men children only" means.

HopeClearwater · 28/12/2018 00:14

A little knowlegde is a dangerous thing; in the hands of a Mumsnetter it's deadly

What a load of rot.
We know what you’ve told us. Opinions have been given on the basis of that.

What happens when you get ill? Who’s going to support you both then?

impostersyndrome · 28/12/2018 06:02

You say you’re managing fine as you have low outgoings, but if you need a second job to do so, that’s not managing fine, is it?

daisychain01 · 28/12/2018 06:16

The thread for which the saying "the truth hurts" was invented.

Hopefully some of what has been said will chime with you, OP even though it feels exposing and raw. You may continue indefinitely with your current unbalanced arrangement, there's no law in the land to stop you.

Eventually there may come a time when you will look back and wish you had done something sooner because being in a relationship that is 'all give and not take' is unhealthy and damaging to the spirit - for both people.