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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2018 00:19

You’ve got far greater problems than the banknotes.

You must be masochistic to want this set up.

katseyes7 · 26/12/2018 00:20

InfiniteCurve The one I'm with is Reed in Partnership. I'm in Yorkshire. I don't know if it's nationwide, but it's worth investigating. I hope that helps.

Poloshot · 26/12/2018 00:25

He sounds bone idle

The4thSandersonSister · 26/12/2018 00:28

After three years I'd say the time for "Pride" is well and truly over. Be upfront and let him know that one way or another he needs to contribute actual funds to the household. He gets a job or signs on. He's just lazy and unmotivated, and you've been picking up his slack for so long he's gotten comfortable with being kept.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2018 00:28

I'm also in Yorkshire and have referred clients to Reed in Partnership.

I'm pretty sure they operate in other areas.

NarwalPap3r3 · 26/12/2018 00:50

Before Xmas I saw lots of companies large and small advertising for extra help. Exactly how many jobs did he apply for before Xmas ? Secondly, if you are paying for everything what incentive does he have to work ? Where is his motivation, energy ? I was made redundant, I work...Job centre and sign up for agencies, no more excuses, no more non contribution !

DinoDave · 26/12/2018 00:56

My husband was made redundant earlier this month. he used his notice period to look for anything going and was only unemployed for 2 days. The new job is not great, not what he wants to be doing, and the money is not brilliant either, but not working and not contributing to the family income was just not an option for him

This is the same as dh when he was made redundant a few years back. He searched for a job unsuccessfully for about 8 weeks whilst he was getting paid notice and then took a job as a delivery driver for Asda - on about a quarter of the salary he had been on but he had resolved to get any job.

He ended up doing the delivery job for about 5 months total and some of his friends took the piss - going from a professional, management, suit-wearing job to driving an Asda van for a living. But tbh I’ve never been more proud of him for the way he handled it and did that job even though he hated it.

Your dh sounds bone idle and with a complete lack of ambition which are traits I couldn’t live with tbh.

jacks11 · 26/12/2018 01:09

The cash gift from his father is a side issue. In your circumstances, I think he should offer to share it but I don't suppose that he is obligated to do so.

However, his position with regards employment/benefits/signing on is intolerable. And very unwise from a financial perspective- most especially in the long-term/looking at pension. He may not get much in the way of benefits due to your income but if he has little or no private/occupational pension then he will really need to sign on to get his contributions paid for him so that he can maximise his state pension entitlement. Unless he's planning on living off your pension? If that is the case then I hope you have substantial provision or finances may be very tight.

In the short-medium term- I think it's a somewhat disrespectful that he is happy for you to work full time whilst also taking on additional tutoring to make ends meet whilst he doesn't work and, more importantly, it sounds like he makes only sporadic efforts to find employment.

I suppose the most important question is whether you are happy with this situation? Personally, I would be quite resentful of the fact that he hasn't worked in 3 years, won't sign on and only sporadically looks for work whilst being happy to see me work full time and doing additional work. I would be saying he needs to be taking on some work- even if it is boring/unskilled work that he'd rather not do. I'm not saying he'd walk into a job tomorrow without any effort, but I think if he tried hard enough he would find something within a reasonable time-frame even if it wasn't his ideal job.

I think that in such circumstances, i.e. you taking on extra work because he is bringing in no money (and is not a SAHD or a carer), cut backs would need to be made to allow me cut back to just working in my usual job. For example, running 2 cars on one income sounds something of a luxury that could be cut back on- you need yours for work, so it is would be his that would have to go. Maybe when it's not so nice for him, but it might allow you to cut back your hours.

Assuming he is in reasonable health, I also don't think I'd happily accept that a man in his mid-50's "will never work again". He can and should be looking for work- there are only 3 reasons why a person of your DH's age should not continue to look for pain employment: 1)They are unable to work due to illness or disability; 2)you have sufficient savings/income that you both can afford to take early retirement (in that scenario it would be ok for one spouse to take early retirement and the other to CHOOSE to continue to work); 3) if he was a SAHD or a carer for someone. From your OP it doesn't seem as though any apply to your DH.

In short, unless your DH has a good reason for not working, then he (illness/disability/SAHD/carer) needs to do his but to support the family finances. Or he'd be managing his own finances as a single person, I'm afraid. I think I'd feel used- it's not the fact he doesn't work per se, more the fact that he isn't desperately looking for work and is quite happy for you to have 2 jobs.

JillScarlet · 26/12/2018 01:10

I imagine this money gives him more disposable income than you have at present.

So I would say ‘oooh, good, now you can pay for your car service / insurance / MOT because I am skint’

mumsy27 · 26/12/2018 01:14

i wonder if the husband was supporting the OP prior to his unemployment.
it's a gift,maybe the money is going to be his pocket money or whatever you call it, instead of him asking you for a tenner.

steff13 · 26/12/2018 05:19

I wonder if the husband was supporting the OP prior to his unemployment.

Why?

From the OP's posts, it sounds like he has had trouble keeping employment.

Socksey · 26/12/2018 08:01

He sounds very like my DH.... also 50, shy etc.... he's not unemployable but rather a bad interviewee and has never had a job from an interview..... however he has always managed to get work through agencies.... many do take people on in all sorts of jobs from driving to warehouse work etc and he has ended up getting long term work from these. Some of this has been long term work with promotions above minimum wage. Good luck OP

TeeJay1970 · 26/12/2018 08:18

He's never had to support me.

We've been together for 15 years. For the first 6 he worked full time was then made redundant then 6 years part time then made redundant. In the last 3 years he's had a few weeks work here and there but he always finds a reason why the job isn't right.

I've out earned him in every year.
For what it's worth I think you've been a bit harsh on him. He loves me so much and would be lost without me. I can't bear the thought of leaving him.

OP posts:
PattiStanger · 26/12/2018 08:28

I don't think people are being harsh, you might be too close to the situation to see it clearly.

If your DH doesn't have the self respect to at a minimum say he'll use the money for his living expenses until it runs out so that you have some money for yourself he is not a lovely person, he's a scrounger.

Pinkyyy · 26/12/2018 08:48

Of course he loves you and couldn't be without you. You pay for EVERYTHING.

5fivestar · 26/12/2018 08:55

I know money isn’t everything but what exactly do you get out of this relationship- I mean if he’s shit hot in bed and having your tea on the table every night well fine that works

TeeJay1970 · 26/12/2018 09:03

He loves me.

OP posts:
Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 26/12/2018 09:05

He would've been able to get contributions based JSA at some point in the last 3 years and took the decision not to. People are saying it's not much and it's time limited, which are both true, but still that's 6 months OP wouldn't have had to do any tutoring.

Given the refusal to take the benefits that would've been available to him at some point and the decision not to seek work as actively as possible, yes it should be joint money. He should also be doing better around the house.

TheBaltictriangle · 26/12/2018 09:05

Or he loves your ability to provide him with a living?

Do you love him?

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/12/2018 09:07

I’m sure he does love you and would be lost without you. You’re what stops him from being homeless.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/12/2018 09:08

Is he actually disabled? I can't get my head round someone not working unless they're physical or mentally incapable.

There will be something out there for him.

WhiteDust · 26/12/2018 09:10

'He loves me'
I bet he does! You provide his home and his living expenses. He doesn't have to go out and earn his living!
If you are happy with the arrangement though (he does 90% of the stuff around the house after all) and you're happy, why not?
There are plenty of kept women/men out there!

WhiteDust · 26/12/2018 09:12

As for sharing 'his' money with you, yes, he should.
You give share ALL of your money with him.

SilverBirchTree · 26/12/2018 09:13

There are two issues here: one big, one small.

The small one: that's his present, it's for him. He's under no obligation to share.

The big one: you're not happy about being the sole financial provider. He's not trying hard enough to work. You are working more than full time, he is not working at all. This situation isn't fair on you.

What will you do about your big issue?

5fivestar · 26/12/2018 09:13

Plenty of women don’t work and spend their days swanning around spending their husbands money. If this is what this couple have chosen to do then it’s perfectly acceptable..... however he should buy a little something for you out if the money he’s been given and if he doesn’t it shows he’s taking you for granted which again isn’t unusual but not ideal