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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/12/2018 20:46

He can presumably claim contributions based JSA and sign on and get his stamp paid.

Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 25/12/2018 20:47

Yes, he should definitely share it.

Pernickity1 · 25/12/2018 20:47

Oh OP get rid...

category12 · 25/12/2018 20:50

If he's not signing on and getting his stamp paid, then that could be bad - what's his pension provision like?

Babyroobs · 25/12/2018 20:50

For those of you saying he should claim benefits - he wouldn't actually get any benefits with op working ! Unless he was entitled to anything contributions based but hat would be time limited. As husband and wife, op would be expected to support him financially.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2018 20:52

That's been acknowledged already.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:52

His pension is rubbish.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/12/2018 20:52

Babyroobs, it's his lack of National Insurance contributions that matter, really.

SayNoToCarrots · 25/12/2018 20:53

You can receive contribution-based JSA if you’ve paid enough National Insurance contributions as an employee in the last 2 tax years. He's been out of work for 3.

Beside the point anyway, he should at least offer to share some of the money. My husband would want to spend it on something for us both, and his family would expect that if they gave him anything over £20 and hadn't given me anything.

category12 · 25/12/2018 20:54

OK, so you're looking at supporting him 'til the end, then really. If things stay like this.

adaline · 25/12/2018 20:56

Hang on - you have no children and he just stays at home? Why on earth doesn't he go out to work like any other self-respecting adult

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:57

About 18 months ago I thought it best to work on the assumption he won't work again. That's when I started private tutoring.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/12/2018 20:57

The present is a tricky one. Yes, If it were me, I would 'put it in the family 'pot', but I can see that - had his Dad chosen to give him a watch or an x-box or a season ticket to something he enjoys then he wouldn't be able to do that. At the same time, if they'd given you a crate of wine, then I presume most people would expect the dh to pour the OP a glass whenever he opens a bottle?
However, I can't understand him not bringing in any income for 3 years, if he isn't ill.
My dh would go out an work any crappy job rather than see me work full time plus tutouring whilst 'his pride' stopped him signing on.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 25/12/2018 20:59

In normal circumstances it’s his money however presumably op you don’t have money to spend on treats etc for yourself but would of he was paying his share.
So what does he intend to spend this money on?!
If he just buys stuff for himself then that’s a slap in your face and he’s a prize twat.

I would ask him though and explain this (obviously without making him feel like a waster for loosing his job). If he is an arse about it you should seriously consider the relationship and how he sees you.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2018 20:59

You're seriously prepared to accept a situation where he doesn't work again?

LanaorAna2 · 25/12/2018 21:00

Too good to sign on but happy to see his wife take a second job at night?

He should use his DM's gift as a deposit on a bedsit.

Fairylea · 25/12/2018 21:00

I wouldn’t expect him to share it but I would expect him to be actively applying for every possible job in every possible way. If he wasn’t doing that then his days would be numbered!

TheBaltictriangle · 25/12/2018 21:01

You could say to him that since he has some money, you're not going to be funding his personal expenses for a while. Let him pay for himself using his Christmas money & the money that you save you should put away for a rainy day.

www.ten2two.org

thebaronetofcockburn · 25/12/2018 21:03

He can presumably claim contributions based JSA and sign on and get his stamp paid.

That would only have been for the first 6 months of his unemployment.

YANBU, OP, to have wanted him to share, but you've got a cocklodger on your hands so you know damn well that what's his and his and what's yours is his, too.

InspectorIkmen · 25/12/2018 21:03

Even if he's not working there's stuff he could be doing ffs - a little bit of eBaying would bring in some money.
Anyway - YANBU - he absolutely should share it or at the very least buy you something lovely with some of it.

adaline · 25/12/2018 21:04

About 18 months ago I thought it best to work on the assumption he won't work again. That's when I started private tutoring.

And you're happy to tolerate that...why?

Have some self respect!

slashlover · 25/12/2018 21:05

Is he doing volunteering or anything? It could help with new skills and would be something he could update his CV with.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 21:06

Much ad I love him even I know he's a klutz at work. He's also very shy and lacks confidence. He's utterly lovely but unemployable. Even I'd hate to work with him; he's so slow to do things around the house and it drives me nuts. He'd be a nightmare to work with!

OP posts:
BubonicWoman · 25/12/2018 21:07

If he signed on the job centre would support him in finding work
My friend was made redundant in his 50's. He is now working as a carer. There is work but it depends how pucky he is

adaline · 25/12/2018 21:08

He's not unemployable at all, he just knows that if he plays the "loveable but slow" card you won't expect him to work and he can spend his days doing whatever he pleases on your dime!

Come on, OP. Wake Up.