Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

Nope, guests aren't expected to do anything here. I like it when they feel comfortable enough to help themselves to tea, etc. but there's no expectation.

TBH, I do expect family to help out, I don't class them as gifts.

Why not come up with a list of jobs before you go and make sure everything is equally shared?

doh. Not gifts- guests.

I wouldnt for guests but my Gran (posh) certainly did with family. Especially with a big meal. Usually it eas the women who would clear up to be fair...

I used to love peeling potatoes as a kid etc . It was a great family atmosphere of all mucking in to get The Big Meal done . I loved it.

I get your point What, but we’re not married, been together 3 years. Literally see MIL about 3-4 x a year. I wouldn’t exaclty say I could be considered ‘family’

I understand DP maybe but I consider myself a guest if I’m honest. I don’t go there often enough to consider myself anything else really.

The trouble is we arrive before everyone else all the time so his siblings and their partners never end up doing hardly anything. She seems to have honed in on us and I guess I’m just a bit like...well, yeh what’s the point?! You’re either up for hosting (and all that goes with it) or you’re not?!

My mum and dad have mostly hosted all Christmases, my mum got so fed up doing it herself for 15 years she now chooses 2 people for preparation and 2 people for dishes 😂 but she’d never make one of us do all of it. I understand what you mean though, when I went to my in-laws no one offered to help MIL so she was all by herself so I offered and NOONE else helped which really pissed me off. When your mil asks this year make it clear that you’ll either prep or dishes, it’s not your duty to do both haha

No I do not expect guests to do anyhting.

It is nice if they offer to help (say tidy up)or feel at home enough to make themselves and me a cup of tea....like the last few sets of guests.

Then there is the other end of the scale where my Mum lies in bed screeching "Tea...Tea...where's me tea", and points us int he direction of the bed and tells us to make it up

I think the thing that annoys me as well is that we live a couple of hours away, his siblings all live 5 mins down the road. After driving, you want to go in, sit down with a cup of tea/ glass of something and relax, not immediately be pestered about doing chores before you’ve even had the chance to take your coat off!

I think it’s nice to offer to help. I’d think it a bit off if not offered. But I’d say no thank you and refuse the offer anyway! It’s just politeness

I agree with you, OP. I hate people meddling in my kitchen and would never expect (or ask) guests to do anything. That would include family, even if they didn't live half a world away . If people are coming to visit then they get to sit down and chat, because they are visiting.

I think it’s not nice of her other children tic do come late and not do any work. May be they have found a way out?

Wouldn't expect help with meal prep ( who invites folk and then gets them to do all the graft? - oddness! )

An offer of washing up is nice though but not expected here!

My mother is a martyr with this, people offer to help clean up and it is refused and then later makes digs about having to DO ALL the washing up .

I don't expect guests to help out with anything! As snotty as it may sound, I feel put out at having to help with cooking and cleaning when I'm a guest.

The last dinner party I was at, all the women got to work clearing the table and washing up and I purposely retired to the living room where the men were cracking open a bottle of something. I resented being expected to clear up just because I'm a woman. Instead of being annoyed with the men for relaxing (after all, they were guests) I was annoyed that the women were cracking on and conforming to the gender stereotype!

The trouble is we arrive before everyone else all the time so his siblings and their partners never end up doing hardly anything.

There is the problem and the answer. The siblings have learnt.
You need to get there later and let one of the others be dragged in

I wouldn't expect guests to help but I wouldn't struggle alone if there was family there, I'd ask for a hand.

We've hosted for most of the past 20 years. I do the cooking, assisted as needed by DH or now DD2. But yes, people pitch in with the clearing up afterwards.
The host has usually done the sorting the house, the shopping and a lot of the prep, so a bit of help clearing up shouldn't be too much to ask.

Can't believe there's so many people here who don't expect family to muck in! I wouldn't dream of going to my mum's or my FIL's for Christmas and not helping out.

I’d get there after the siblings.

If I invite people round, then no they don’t wash up or help prepare food.

But then why not just go to a local pub/ restaurant for a big family meal and everyone just pays for themselves?! Honestly, I’d rather do that and NOONE have work to do, then after a 2 hour bloody car journey be immediately asked to start cooking dinner!

This is so annoying. When in laws come to me I do everything but when I go to them I am expected to do the dishes. I hate messing about in someone else's kitchen.

Depends. Close friends and framily would be expected to help. TBH, I'd have a hard time stopping them! But 'guests' I wouldn't ask to help.

Fortunately, we have a good dishwasher, so the question about washing up doesn't arise. Everyone seems to muck in with the clearing up though.

It depends on the guests. If it was me visiting my mum or vice versa then we'd both get stuck in to what needed done – it would be odd for one of us to sit on the sofa while the other did all the work. Same with my best friend.

If it was a more casual acquaintance or friend then I wouldn't expect it, but I'm struggling to think of a time someone has come round and not wanted to help! I usually say no thanks (but some of my friends have been known to start the washing up when I nip to the loo even after being told not to )

It sounds like you maybe both just have a different idea of what your relationship and dynamic is.

We host Christmas Day for my parents and MIL and we don’t expect them to help. Sometimes my mum will bring a trifle and MIL might bake something. Often my parents contribute the meat because my Dad sorts, orders and pays for it at the butcher.
We lay the table, do the prep and load dishwasher/ wash up.
If we have friends to stay it’s usually for a couple of nights so they do help a bit, feeding children etc.
I’ve never stayed away from home for Christmas though so it might be different?

I wouldn't do dishes beyond loading a dishwasher. If no dishwasher then washing dishes is their punishment for living like a caveman.

If she’s messaged you to say dinner will be at 3/3.30 I’d arrive at 3.30 and say you got stuck in traffic