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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

185 replies

Prosecco94 · 21/12/2018 14:39

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

OP posts:
SleighBellsRing · 21/12/2018 19:18

I would never expect guests to do anything unless they offered or it was agreed in advance. Personally if we're overnight guests we offer to take our hosts for dinner to avoid any stress for anyone. I have married into a culture where women are expected to do the bulk of domestic work with the help of domestic staff. I don't have domestic staff and my DH is hands on and enjoys cooking etc. It's tough either way I think. I find myself biting my tongue for various reasons at Christmas but find that extra liquid refreshment helps me through.

SmokeGetsInYourEye · 21/12/2018 19:18

And it's not just the cooking it's the planning, the shopping, the cleaning, getting beds ready - I know some will say this is all very easy but I always find hosting exhausting and I always appreciate help - so I can enjoy the day too!

Tobebythesea · 21/12/2018 19:24

My Uncle used to sit on his backside expecting to be waited on when he visited. My DF got fed up one year and gave him a dishcloth after the meal. The look of shock was priceless!

mugalug · 21/12/2018 19:35

Can you pretend you got stuck in a reallllllly longggggg traffic jam.

WinterfellWench · 21/12/2018 19:37

I haven't RTFT so sorry if I repeat anything... but yeah YANBU.

But I BET the men aren't dragged in to help are they? Hmm

I remember going with DH and 2 of his cousins, to his great aunt's in the 1990's (she was born in the 1910's and was about 78...) She said 'washing up time girls' to me and DH's (female) cousin. I boldly said (with a smile) 'the boys can do it! It's not just woman's work.' DH looked embarrassed and so did his female cousin (AND his male cousin!) 'Chop chop lads!' I said - still with a beaming smile.

Everyone just sat there. DH's great aunt scowled and said 'never mind.' Hmm She got up and did it herself. DH said 'we better go now,' and ushered me out. He said 'WTF was that about?' I said 'are you fucking kidding? She was trying to get me and Liz (his female cousin) to wash up, well why should we do it? Why not you and Steven?' (his male cousin.)

He grumbled and said no more. A few days later his mother said 'auntie Fiona was not impressed with you Winterfell, and found you really disrespectful.'

I said 'well I hate this woman's work shit.' His mother said 'good for you. You will be a good example to any daughters you have with Alex (my husband.) And then she said 'auntie Fiona is a bit of a old battleaxe, who lets the boys get away with all sorts, and makes the girls do stuff! She was stunned at your defiance though!'

We never went to Fiona's again, and she moved 100 miles away 6 months later.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 21/12/2018 19:44

When I host all prep is done prior to guests arriving. Perhaps a few bits left but not much. I ask no help for prepping.

Christmas, guests carry plates and other dishes out to dishwasher. I load dishwasher as I'm fussy.

I'd never ask anyone to peel veg that comes to me for a meal.

ittakes2 · 21/12/2018 19:49

You’ve been together for 3 years and you don’t think you are family?

mantlepiece · 21/12/2018 19:55

Winter fell, I really got so tired of that shit back in the day. As a mother of 4 sons I made it a mission in life to send them out into the world equipped with domestic skills and an appropriate attitude to women’s place in the world.

They are all now married and cook and clean in their own homes. One does all the cooking as his wife has an aversion to the kitchen. However, I have failed with my daughter, she still lives at home and despite my best efforts I cannot get her to clean up after herself or feed herself appropriately. I can only live in hope that changes.

Mine all pitch in at Christmas even the wives!

Hoopaloop · 21/12/2018 20:01

If I'm getting roped into cooking at someone else's house, it's going to be all their fault when I drink all the merlot and make a tit of myself.

woolduvet · 21/12/2018 20:04

OP so what's your plan?

gggrrrargh · 21/12/2018 20:56

I find cooking stressful, particularly in front of people who I think will judge my inept peeling where I’ve got rid of half the vegetable. In a house where i’m confident they will refuse my help I bluff and offer straight away. ‘You sure you don’t need help? Ah let me know if you change your mind, I can stir gravy!’

In a house where I think they will take me up on it i wait a little longer ‘sorry meant to offer to help! Oh you’ve done most of it! Want me to stir the gravy?’

HildaZelda · 21/12/2018 21:03

I'm the opposite. I don't like anyone in the kitchen attempting to 'help'. I'm probably a bit of a control freak in the kitchen and I want to do things my way.
Don't even get me started on the 'correct' way to load the dishwasher Grin

Yearofthemum · 21/12/2018 22:21

I expect people not to watch me slave away for days. Luckily they agree.

MrsStrowman · 21/12/2018 22:24

Guests no, but if we go to my parents' or PILs I will always offer a hand in the kitchen and DH will often help clear the table or wash up. Family and friends offer when they come here, I say no to most other than parents, PILs DB and SIL, DF is a veg prepping machine!

fancynotplain · 21/12/2018 22:27

My BIL once offered to help before lunch. He scoffed sneaky roast potatoes, ate most of the crispy bacon that was to be crumbled over the sprouts and ‘corrected’ my seasoning whilst pointing out what a shame I had not made bread sauce/red cabbage etc, despite me juggling a complex spread of dishes. No more ‘help’ ..but after feeding everyone a fantastic meal I’m topping up my glass and relaxing. Not martyring myself in the kitchen all day.

BottleOfJameson · 21/12/2018 22:28

I would never demand guests do anything but last year most offered and the washing up was all done before I could stop them - I actually find people hanging round the kitchen offering help annoying - but people did bring a few side dishes. For christmas dinner this is normal. I don't think it's normal to have guests tidying up your house for you though - unless they're close family and have been staying for a few days.

MrsStrowman · 21/12/2018 22:30

When I was young we always went to GPs for Christmas with about 15 other family members, invariably some (often women) would end up helping in the kitchen, me included even when I was very young, gran and I have always cooked and baked together. However that meant 'boys clean up' so the men would clear the table, wash up, dry up and tidy away while the women relaxed. Then there was a huge game of male Vs female trivial pursuit to decide who sorted out pudding!

harrypotterfan1604 · 21/12/2018 22:35

I would feel really rude going for a meal at anyone’s house and not even offering to help. When I host at my house I generally decline offers of help but would feel fine if I was struggling to ask someone to perhaps set the table or get everyone else some drinks for example. Same with the clearing up, I will always offer to help I think it’s just polite.

OnlineAlienator · 21/12/2018 22:37

Nah - if you're in my house i will do everything. It's all perfectly doable for me, i know where things are and how i like things done and its just being a good host imo!

aPoundInTheHand · 21/12/2018 22:43

Oh dear I see terrible traffic in your future meaning you might arrive late, possibly too late to help! And your eczema is really terribly sore so you can't wash up! What a shame!

AnOtherNomdePlume · 21/12/2018 22:48

Jusg responding to a pp:

A housekeeper would be brilliant..

I also agree about buying pre prepared stuff.

I am finding it harder to do so much cooking atm so I'm doing things ahead to freeze and I've bought frozen roasties. Life changes and so must the Christmas dinner.

WineAndTiramisu · 21/12/2018 22:49

Looks like you've got two options...

One - be too late to help
Two - do the same to her every meal when they come to yours

I agree YANBU, I don't make people help when they come over, especially not immediately after a long drive!

Loopyloopy · 21/12/2018 22:56

Well, in my family, we all pitch in - but then, xmas is always at my mum's place, and it would be fair to make her do everything every year. She also isn't much of a cook.

RockingAroundTheChristmasTree1 · 21/12/2018 23:02

Always have MIL and DH's Grandfather over for Christmas..I would NEVER dream of roping them in to help!!
When we go to hers though, I always do all the washing up and clean her kitchen. She works 70 hour weeks as a carer, so the free time she does get, I want her to spend as much time being with our children playing and getting lots of cuddles ❤

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/12/2018 16:51

I don’t think asking family to help out is the same as other guests. I know you don’t feel like you’re family, but if you’ve been with their DS for 3 years I see why you are put in that category for these purposes. However, it does sound like you’re pulling the short straw.

If you want to get out of it I would decide how much help you want to provide and deliberately turn up later. Perhaps stop off nearby for a drink at a nice pub to relax after the long drive before going to their house. Maybe turn up 40 minutes before dinner and help out. Then after dinner when MiL says “Who’s washing and who’s drying?” Say “Oh, we did the meal prep, BiL and SiL can wash and dry.” If that gets uncomfortable look at your watch and say “Ahh, it’s been lovely seeing you, must go, though. It’s a long way home.”

Personally though, I would go, muck in and bitch about it to friends later. They aren’t your favorite people. You don’t like their way of doing things. But it’s one meal for your DP’s sake. Unless he wants to get out of, just suck it up.