Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

I can't believe what a load of lazy, rude, ungrateful people exist on MN.

I would always offer to help out when invited to dinner at someones house, especially family, and most people offer when they come to mine too. I don't always accept if it's a dinner party and I'm hosting for friends, but do let family help sometimes, especially on Christmas day- no point being a martyr.

As for going out for Christmas dinner- well it's never quite the same as home cooked and it's nice to be able to have your family around you in your own home, which is probably what your MIL feels.

I'd also suggest that her having you help her is her way of saying that she likes you and considers you part of the family. She's probably trying to build a mother/daughter type relationship with you.

Oooh ... difficult one!

I'd expect guests to offer to help (and then I'd expect them to piss off out of my kitchen when I said I didn't need/want any help).

BUT I've seen Christmas dinners when 20/30/40 year olds sat on their arses expecting dinner to be prepared, served and cleaned up (without a dishwasher - for a group of 12-15) by two women in their late 70s. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

So maybe your MIL is attempting to avoid a situation like the one I described. I do think when there's a large family meal being cooked that it is reasonable to expect both offers of help, and actual help if it is needed.

I'm trying to think of any guest I have (friends or family) who wouldn't offer to help. Maybe FIL, but even he'll put his coffee cup in the sink.

I don't expect it, but among my friends and family I think it's the norm and I would be surprised if no one offered. I'm thinking more about clearing up and setting the table really, not so much food prep and cooking - that would tend be more arranged in advance I think.

I actually really enjoy the time post big meal when the kids go into the lounge with some of the older relatives, leaving me and my sisters in the kitchen to have a good old natter while we clear up.

She's probably trying to build a mother/daughter type relationship with you.

By offering to share the women's work, while the men talk about football? Did I miss a meeting and wake up in 1953?

Never. I expect my guests to relax and enjoy being looked after.
Similarly, if i go to someone's home for dinner, I'm not running around helping.
We all face domestic drudgery on a daily basis so if I'm hosting, I ask that none of my guests do anything except relax, eat and drink 😁

Mil expects people to help with laying table/washing up etc when going for lunch (special occasion or non) and would get peope to help if no one offered (she usually makes comments about who is drying etc before anyone has a chance of offer) but my parents don’t expect any help at all but if it’s offered they will gratefully accept, which to me the latter is the better hosting,

By offering to share the women's work, while the men talk about football? Did I miss a meeting and wake up in 1953?

The men in this case aren't sitting about watching football, OP said fil and her dh do their share.

We go to PILs for Christmas and I’ll always chip in with prep/cleaning/whatever needs doing. Couldn’t just sit there while they do everything.

If it's family, then everyone should pitch in.

We have lots of friends over for Christmas rather than family. Everyone does their bit. We have a list of everything that needs doing and the time it needs doing pinned to the fridge. Anyone free takes the next job on the list. Guests seem to enjoy it as they come back every year. One friend said that it makes her feel like it is her Christmas rather than just a guest at somebody elses.

I think it's reasonable to expect help, but not reasonable to put you to work the second you get through the door.

I'd be 'late' next time if I were you.

If no dishwasher then washing dishes is their punishment for living like a caveman.

The rule at Christmas in our family is always that if you don't cook, you clear/wash up. We all prep veg the night before, and I'll most likely cook this year and tell everybody to get out of the kitchen on the day. Once the meal is served, my job's over. Fair division of labour is the key.

I can't believe what a load of lazy rude people exist on Mumsnet

Of course it's usual to muck in, especially with close family. But in this particular instance the op is being treated like a bit of skivvy while others who are actually family members and live 5 mins away, do nothing.

I would 100% plan to arrive a LOT later.
I do not expect guests to help in our house if are hosting and if I'm honest I do not like being expected to help in other people's houses.

My mother is very lazy like this - when she comes to ours she likes to put her feet up and barely lifts a finger. We end up waiting on her hand and foot.

When we go to visit them the first thing we end up doing is getting back into the car after a 3hr drive to head to the supermarket to get food (of any description ) as she 'wasn't sure what we'd like' then when we get back from that, I usually end up unpacking it, and them making a serving whatever we're having while she sits on the sofa.

It is easier all round to just get a takeaway. I have not had a meal in my parents house that I have not shopped for, prepared, served or ordered in years. It really makes me sad.

She is in her 60's and healthy

I think it's a mucking in philosophy that I'd have with family and close friends.

I'd always offer to help and nearly always family offer to help (, except precious sil).

If/when there is no offer to help I do think they're rude.

Helping out creates a camaraderie and relaxed atmosphere. More relaxed than sitting formally with a drink often.

Just arrive at 2.55. All the work will have been done by then. At least you'll only cop the washing up

I wouldn't expect friends to help if I am hosting, but with family we all pile in and help and chat while doing it. It would be rude in our family to sit on your arse while your mum/dad or brother/sister are making/tidying up after dinner.

OP is helping because she's arriving hours early. If the other family members live 5 min away then of course they're not going to be doing that.

I think if you’re staying for a few days it’s different to just rocking up for the day

Any family that just come for the day I don’t expect them to do anything. I usually cook (and clean beforehand) - DH sorts drinks and clears up. Considerate family help clear and wash up. Some just park their lazy arses on the sofa and never move. Yes I judge them.

If family are staying, I’d expect more eg with tidying a bit and prepping meals.

....if it’s a two hour drive and you need to leave early doors I’d just head to the local pub for one or two before rocking up. Then you’ve relaxed after the drive and should arrive at a similar time to the siblings.

Just say you’re arriving later. Or if that gets questioned just say you were stuck in traffic/had puncture etc.

Why don't you arrive a bit late op? Like your dp siblings? Or say, I'm tired after the drive, don't think I can help out this time.

I probably would not help my in-laws much as they are control freak, hoarders and there is no room to stand an extra person in kitchen. I send dh in to do dishes.
In my own family we all muck in. It's fun and relaxed. We prefer to have Christmas away in a holiday house so no one feels like in charge of it all. Expensive though

I don’t expect guests to help unless they offer and obviously mean it. But family pitches in.

This is so odd. Would not like it at all, would avoid going tbh.

Just to answer a few replies.

Of course if it’s staying for a few days then that’s totally different and it wouldn’t even be debated about, you would just pitch in each day. However, this is ONE meal and I’m not being a hypocrite and expecting THEM to ‘pitch in’ when they come to us (and they do stay for a few bloody days!) I just think if you make a big song and dance about wanting to host, then you HOST and suck up the things that come with it. Like I said, help with setting up and clearing away is fair enough and only takes 5 mins, but I’m sorry, I do actually think expecting people to cook and wash up is just a bit meh.

She’s not on her own either as FIL does his fair share, so it could be that they both cook it and they both wash up, with help from everyone else to clear plates etc.

Also, I wash / tidy up as I go as I can’t bear finishing a large meal, being stuffed and then have to scrub pots and pans etc, but PIL don’t work like that. The kitchen will literally be a shit tip, like an atomic bomb has gone off after cooking and then the you’re left to clear it all up, which is then a mammoth task!

Also, for posters saying re dishwashwr, they have a dishwasher, I mean for the pots and pans, baking trays that have congealed, stuck on grease/ meat etc on. It takes so long to get the bastards clean.

Also, trust me, this isn’t ‘happy families, all joy and laughter’ when everyone’s in the kitchen together. They’re a weird bunch who don’t really get on and I’m not a massive fan of any of them tbh!