Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

It depends how long guests are there for. One meal and I would not expect anyone to be in the kitchen, but more than that and it is nice to offer to help.
What I particularly like when SIL and family come for Christmas is after the meal which we have around 1 ish, some of us like to go for a walk to brush off the cobwebs. SIL is great at ensuring that those who don't go on the walk - who conveniently are usually those who don't do a lot of food prep or clear up when we are on holiday earlier in the year - are put to the task of clearing away the dishes.

No way! If you can't cope with hosting you shouldn't be doing it. She could do all the veg the night before. And why you and not her son? Because you're a woman? Tell him he has to say something when his siblings arrive like, right it's someone else's turn to help now, or after dinner say, we helped with the prep, it's someone else's turn to do the dishes. It's not fair and I wouldn't go if I had to help, you may as well save yourself 5 hours and stay at home!

I would definitely arrive later and tell dh if he has issue with that he can help in the kitchen.

Leave later and make a big show of how awful the roadworks were. Seriously, don’t be there to be roped in.

Personally I don’t expect anyone to help (I get slightly irritated with people interfering when I cook to be honest) and wouldn’t expect anymore than a hand with a cursory clear up at the end. Again I know how I want my dishwasher stacked and left overs stored.

I do expect to be waited on hand and foot after though.

I think it depends on the circumstances. My dsis and her family are coming to stay over Christmas for 9 days. I am absolutely expecting her and my BiL to help with the food prep and clearing up or DH and I will be exhausted

If they were only coming for the day that would be different.

With family it's nice if they offer, but I would never ask them to if they didn't offer. I wouldn't expect non-family to help at all.

I don't expect guests, family or otherwise, to help but that is partly due to the way I work. I tend to prep before guests arrive and wash-up as I go along.

Some people like to help, especially with family (myself included) so it is nice to include those in some small task if they wish. If people are only here for one meal I definitely don't start the washing up until they've left (I may run the dishwasher quickly though).

However, I was fairly shocked at PIL sexist attitude towards help and the state the kitchen was in after a meal (it has been ages since they hosted us for any meal though - we've been expected to do all the hosting, and paying if we go out to eat for years) when I went to the first meal they hosted. The women were expected to help, but not the men, and MIL definitely does not wash up as she goes along! I think I gave DH a tea-towel and FIL actually scowled at me for it!

My in laws try to do this to me. I hate it. I always lay the table, fetch and carry etc which I would offer to do anyway but before I've even taken my coat off MIL is ordering me about. If she asks nicely I'll do it, if not I volunteer DH as he knows where everything is.
At the end of the meal she will always huff and say 'well I guess IM THE ONE CLEARING UP THEN' followed by PIL clearing everyone's plates except mine.
Every time.

I don't expect guests to do it but it is nice to have help sometimes. Only when it's volunteered though.

I'd be arriving far later, happy to wash up though. I'd never expect family to help cook but if they offered to hand out drinks or set the table that would go down well

I'd expect guests to say "anything I can do to help?" and me to say "no, it's all under control, thanks"

And then I might ask for some specific help - carrying the food through to the table, for example, or getting the serving dishes out.

And I'd expect the same at the end of the meal - I might ask for some help clearing the table between courses, so that it happens swiftly with minimal fuss

But I wouldnt' just ask the women to help, obviously,

And in your situation I'd be flattered more than offended that MIL sees you as part of the family rather than an occasional visitor to her house

If there are lots of siblings and other halves coming, then that it is a lot of cooking for your mil to be fair.

However the siblings who live nearer should be the ones helping out.

I agree with Mimisunshine, arrive much later, and if you feel bad doing that, tell your mil what you will be doing and ask if she would like you to bring some cheese and biscuits or part of the meal that you have pre-prepared?

I agree with arriving just before the meals, like your partners siblings do.

In fact I’d arrive in her area 30 mins early , park a few streets away , open your flask of coffee and have a snooze. Normally I’d say pop in somewhere for a drink or cofffee but not many places will be open on Christmas Day.

I would also feel rather aggrieved at doing a four hour round trip to cook for your partners siblings, while they sit with their feet up.

Well just get there later aim for about 2.30 then most of the work should be done.

If they say anything say the roads were bad.

I would expect to help and wash up with family.

No way. My sister will help out at the crucial serving stage but no one is allowed to wash up. I certainly don’t think you should be peeling veg and washing and drying.

No I would not expect help with the cooking. Yes I would like help with the clear up, some dish scrubbing.
I wouldn't go to someone's home and expect them to do everything for me, with family I would expect to muck in.

Just read your update. I'd prefer to go out in your shoes too op!

At my mother's house all the women (me and SIL) get roped into helping, whilst the guys sit around- does my head in.

Just don't get there so early. I think it's weird too btw.

That’s not so much helping as doing.

Arrive late enough for them to have to do it themselves and arrange to bring some specific stuff like a pudding and some cheese. When the washing up is announced help to clear, ensuring everyone does their bitband then say that you’d like to chat with x and y so will pass the baton to someone else.

I’m hosting 19 family members tomorrow and am very much expecting help!

Definitely start getting caught in terrible traffic jams and arriving a couple of hours later than usual.

I'd expect guests to say "anything I can do to help?" and me to say "no, it's all under control, thanks"

This ^^.

I do all the cooking on Christmas Day. DH and the kids help with the prep before the guests arrive.

I’d be happy to have my Mum help but that means MIL insists on helping too and bless her she’s an absolute nightmare in the kitchen.

Barring the kitchen to everyone except DH and the kids ensures harmony and reduces stress (mine)

My DPs and PILs tend to do the washing up afterwards though which is greatly appreciated.

At my Mums I generally help at both ends but I enjoy chatting with Mum in the kitchen.

I think that Christmas is an expensive meal to put on and peeling the odd carrot isn’t too much to ask. I’d be trying to make sure the siblings all helped too though.

Pop in to see DBIL or DSIL who live just down the road, offer to drive them so they can drink. Go with them to DMIL and then when you get there say here is DBIL/DSIL to help with the meal prep and washing up.

i used to be part of a big family through marriage and we all pitched in at big family meals and parties- because there were a lot of us and it was too much to expect anyone to do it all on their own. It was fun.

Driving for two hours is tiring. I think your dh needs to speak to your mil about helping as soon as you get in the door. It does seem like she is so desperate not to be put upon that she has gone too far the other way.

How much do the siblings from 5 mins down the road help? Time for dh to speak up I think.