Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

When we’re with my parents we all pitch in, sometimes it can feel a bit stressful as my mum is messy and disorganised. My ILs have a housekeeper so we all relax wil a glass of bubbles!

Perhaps DH should contact them and ask if they want you to bring anything like prepared vegetables or roast potatoes. Would at least mean that the stuff only needs to be bunged into the oven or microwave.

It annoys me when people make Christmas dinner into such a laborious affair. If you find cooking for large numbers stressful then buy in the readymade options, it's actually quite an easy meal to knock out if you don't insist on peeling your own parsnips and making gravy from scratch unless you enjoy that sort if thing. Even worse is forcing your guests to do it.

No, definitely wouldn't expect it! Always lovely when people offer but I don't like other people messing in my kitchen and I enjoy spoiling guests anyway. (Bit of a 50's housewife at heart. 😂). Definitely don't do washing up though - yuk! Dishwasher only in the Raffles household!

However, I know exactly how you feel, OP. My now departed MIL was exactly the same and expected me to help with prep and then do all the washing up. At least yours allows your DH to help! I used to get told that my DH had worked all week - ahem, I worked more hours than he did at the time - but fortunately he ignored her and mucked in.

Sorry but I think your DH should be having a quiet word about dragging you into the kitchen following a tiring 2-3 hour drive. 🤔 YADNBU!

She is odd. Why doesn’t she do the prep before you all arrive? I do.

Next time, arrive 10 mins before the meal is due to be served...

There is a massive difference between having friends over for dinner and a family get together. Of course you should help op.

There's be a household disaster just as we were about to leave (electric going off) etc
Time it to arrive 30 min before.
Take a Costa etc to sit down with as you get there all exhausted!
And chip in with the clearing etc.

I shop, prep and cook Christmas dinner for 10 family members every year. I love the cooking, I don't mind at all, but I do love it when people offer to wash and dry up. We have two family members staying for a week, so yes, I'd definitely expect them to muck in and help out during the week, especially with making a round of tea or getting lunches together.

But that’s what I’m saying, when we have family at ours I never expect them to help beyond bringing their dirty plates into the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher. Friends/ family, it doesn’t really matter to me. If I’m contacting people inciting them over for lunch/ dinner, I wouldn’t expect them to arrive and start helping me prep the food. It would all be done and ready to be put in the oven for when they arrive. It’s bad time management tbh.

MIL has never lifted a bloody finger at mine, I guess I expect the same!

I think as a guest it’s polite to offer and as a host it’s polite to take up the offer. Or if there is no offer and you really need and want the help, ask for help with prep OR clearing up, not both.

However, you’ve done that now the last several times so your PIL expect it of you. I think a good way to go this year is:

Come in, immediately get asked to peel a carrot, smile and say “flipping heck Val/Diane/Sue, let me have a cuppa first, that was a long journey!” After drinking the beverage, go into kitchen and ask if she wants you to prep or clear up after?

Done.

Make sure you arrive 10 minutes before dinner with a suitable traffic/car excuse

YANBU at all.

My dad went through a phase of doing this, inviting us for a meal and then expecting us to cook it and then clean up afterwards. Thankfully they seem to have stopped now and it's just a normal level of laying the table and clearing away.

I don't expect to guests to do anything... in fact I'd rather just get on with it myself (I know that's probably bad!) My MIL in the kitchen drives me crazy, she literally talks and talks and talks...

If MIL wants to rope you into something like veg prep then turn to your DP and say "Must be your turn this year! I'll volunteer for the washing up later!" That way you know he's taken a turn in the work and maybe he won't be quite so keen to arrive early next year :)

I don't expect guests to help, in fact I'd much rather they enjoyed themselves stayed out of my road and let me get on with it with a glass of wine.
If they don't help at yours I'd take the arrive much later approach

I get this at my parents.

The trouble is my mum is really messy and will use every pot and pan in the kitchen and it looks like a battle zone when you go in.

Everyone else buggers off to the living room for a drink/snooze and my heart just sinks when I look at what we have to tackle. I'm really tidy at home when I cook so there are only really the plates to sort.

I would be seriously pissed off if I went to someone's for dinner and they had me chopping veg and putting the hoover round after a 2 hour drive.

If I was hosting I might call for help dishing up so the food can get out hot and quickly but that's about it.

We always do this at my in laws. In fact I am extremely grateful that MIL has always had this attitude of expecting people to muck in and pull their weight. It’s one of the main reasons that I am lucky enough to have a DH who does more than 50% of the housework!

And it's not fair of her to expect you to help her prep at her house but for her never to offer to help at yours!

I would always happily help at someone else's house. Wouldn't bother me at all and I'd be pleased to do it.

OTOH I hate it when guests want to help at my host. I am a complete control freak and find it really stressful. If, say, my husband offered to peel the potatoes then I wouldn't be able to relax until he had done and I'd seen that he had it and I'd be trying had not to watch him but unable to do anything other than make it obvious that I was fretting. I'd much rather everyone just fucked off out of the kitchen.

So OP, when you go to your parents’ house do you sit being waited on? My Mum would kill me and DH if we at least didn’t offer to help clean away.

I understand your frustration and yes that doesn't sound like a very nice way to soend a day visiting at all. I agree there is a difference between family and guests and it baffles me that you call her you mother in law but then say you dont want to be considered as family? I mean surly them treating you like family is a good thing? Sorry its off topic but just had me a bit

FWIW my mum would do all the cooking and then we all chip in the clear up at the end. But my parents consider my DH and my brothers Gf as family which is nice

I don't expect it, but it's nice when guests/family offer to pitch in. I usually have things well underway before they show up so I don't need cooking help, but DiL and DSs always help in getting everything to the table. Afterwards we usually bus the table and put things in the dishwasher/put away leftovers together. It doesn't take that long, then we head to the living room to visit. But we use china that must be hand washed. It was my Gran's so I like to wash it myself. It just gets stacked on the counter til everyone is gone. Then I pour myself a big glass of wine, turn on the kitchen telly, and enjoy the quiet.

I agree, if you don't want to help then show up later.

Come late. If you come at 1 or 2 or even quarter to 3 then she wouldn’t be able to rely on you. If you don’t like something DO something about it.

I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

I think the point is spending time with family, no? What a weird thing to say.

I can get the frustration with the other siblings not pulling their weight, but that's a different issue.

I don't give a monkey's whose house I'm in, I'll always contribute to meals and having things run smoothly (unless the host really doesn't like people in their kitchen, in which case I'll just clear/carry plates and then make a swift exit).

I've never been into this 'I'm a guest therefore you do everything for me' mentality – family meals are supposed to be opportunities to come together and share something, not to sit on the couch with a stick up your butt and be 'served' by people you love.

Keep us posted OP

We visit Mil and I do all the cooking - I even shop for the food before we arrive...I think she'd find it all too stressful - I do the same when we stay at my mum's - most of the cooking or at least I pitch in to lower the burden of guests. If I have invited people to stay, I do expect them to offer to help and if they are staying over a few days I expect them to cook one night or take us out to dinner (that's what we do at the very least).
Christmas dinner we all get involved with the chopping and peeling with the music on, a bit of dancing a lot of alcohol - it's not hard and it's fun. Dcs will be expected to make either the starter or the pudding or maybe get the cheese board sorted.

When friends come around for lunches that last all day - no one else cooks or cleans up - it's an entirely different affair - all the cleaning up is done the next day - usually by dh!

MIL only sees me as family when it suits her. I.e asking me to help.

And sorry to drip feed but I’m not a fan of my IL’s really so would be much happier not seeing them, but can’t really get out of it.

When we go to my parents, I offer help but my mum always refuses, she’s like me and is a bit of a control freak. We do all help clear the table/ stack the dishwasher but that’s about it.