Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

Just start arriving as dinner is ready, horrible delay with the car and you have to leave soon after to get to someone else's for a visit. Offer to load the dishwasher before you go so you can't be accused of leaving everything to them.

Fuck that for a game of soliders.

1. I’d start turning up late (bad traffic!)

1. If they still try and rope you in smile say yes of course but it’s been a long journey! Let’s have a wine cup of tea

Then, when you finally get cornered into vegetable peeling... announce you need to pop to the bathroom, play on your phone for 10 mins then when you get back.... top up your drink.... THEN mither about the place ineffectually so you peel approx 2 small carrots per hour

Be firm, be consistent, and they’ll get the message eventually

I don't blame you for feeling annoyed. Whether or not you are considered family, it's unreasonable to expect you to help prepare/cook straight after a two hour journey. If she wants you to cook she should make the effort to visit you. My mother is a bit like that and it is one of the reasons we stay at home for Christmas nowadays. Also, is she expecting you to help prepare/cook but not your DH? If so I would refuse to help on those grounds actually. We're not living in the 1950s.

Op i think the real issue is your dislike for then. I dont know the history but your dislike for them comes across very strongly in your posts. Im sure if you liked them then you may not be so annoyed by this. Id suggest turning later so the other siblings can help

Your MIL is a lazy cow. I wouldn’t mind helping a bit setting/clearing the table and stacking a dishwasher, or fetching drinks etc but not chopping vegetables and hoovering etc. What is the lazy arse doing while everyone runs around?

At least she expects your FIL and DP to help too, not just the women.

Just turn up in time for dinner.

I think the people who have suggested turning up late have the best plan.
I would never expect a guest to do all that. Like you say if you don't want to host then don't offer!
Sorry you have to spend Christmas Day there.x

Anytime I’d rather keep MIL from fussing around the kitchen, I have to remind DP to keep her out and entertained elsewhere. I don’t see why people make our Xmas lunch is such hard work and make such a palava to be honest. If people off to help clear up then great.

I don't like any one except my husband and I in the kitchen when I am preparing Christmas dinner. They should all be chilling with a drink and not getting underfoot.

I do appreciate help afterwards loading the dishwasher ext ...but only if it's offered. Then husband and I are on duty again getting the coffees and liquers. After the prosecco before lunch, wine with the meal then the after lunch drinks I don't care who does or doesn't do anything.

What age is your MIL? Maybe her energy levels are low but she still wants to host but just needs some help?

@Prosecco94
Have you suggested all going to restaurant for family meal ?
Obviously too late now but maybe use this year to drop very heavy hints say if we go to a restaurant we can all relax and not have to prepare the food / clean up after say you would much prefer that . Then if she doesn't get the hint tell her next year going to a restaurant as obviously it's too much work for her on her own .

Ho ho ho. Where I go, grannies do the veg prep.
And we love it.

Guests - no
Family - yes!

How old is mil? How's her health?

"but we’re not married, been together 3 years." Do you live together? Have DC?

"They’re a weird bunch who don’t really get on and I’m not a massive fan of any of them tbh!" I suspect this is the real heart of the matter.

Family arent expected as such but if I'm struggling i will shout up afor a hand and not be a matyr to it. Last year dp make the Yorkshires, my brother laid the table and fil was defrosting cheesecake (not sure what that involved but he seemed busy ha)
I much prefer that to them all sitting doing nothing while i stress over the food.

We all chip in, sherry in hand, music on. It's a lot easier peeling and chopping and clearing away than it is hosting the whole thing!!

How many people are attending this Christmas do? Having guests is such hard work especially if you are elderly.

They’re not elderly, 55.

There will be 8 of us in total.

I also think a 2 hour car journey is a no big deal - are you not used to travelling much?

I don't expect guests to help but if we have family/friends over for a meal then they usually offer to help as do I when we go anywhere. Not so much with the preparation but always offer to do dishes.

I'm in my 50s and if my dc want to help that's fine but I wouldn't make them. I got fed up when they were teens but now they live away they are more hands on,

I think it's a cheek to expect you to hoover and chop veg. Why hasn't this been done already

Or tell them your contribution is BRINGING dessert. Which doesn't have to be assembled there. That's more normal.

"They’re not elderly, 55" you don't have to be "elderly" to be starting to feel the effects of ageing and you haven't said how their health is either.

I'm 46 I'd find hosting & cooking for 8 pretty bloody knackering!

How old are you? How's your health?

Most prep is done beforehand and then we all offer to help and some help is accepted. But the donkey work is done in advance if at all possible.

For a meal like Christmas lunch I would expect family to help - and I would think they were really rude if they didn’t offer.

I wouldn’t expect non-family to help. And if it was a one-off lunch invitation (and not a yearly traditional thing like Christmas) I wouldn’t necessarily expect family to help.

We’ve 14 for Christmas dinner - both sides of our families. Everyone helps - never had to ask. I wouldn’t be impressed if family sat there to be waited on.

Christmas dinner is very stressful.

When we go to IL’s we all do pitch in, whatever needs doing gets done by all of us.

We also clean up afterwards, it’s rude not to imo.

There’s masses of food to cook and lots of washing up and it’s so expensive. I’d not leave it all down to mil to do. We also bring bits.

It would feel wrong otherwise. They’d never say anything but it wouldn’t sit right with me.