Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

Honestly, I'd expect all the healthy able bodied people to pitch in and help out. I can't imagine sitting on my behind being waited on and not helping whilst watching one person struggle to do all the work alone.

Arrive later, like 2:45.

Or have your DH call his mother and say you're both willing to pitch in on NAME YOUR CHORE ... but only NAME YOUR CHORE ... and you won't be doing prep, serving, cleaning etc ... especially while other 'guests' do fuck all.

It's his mother; he should be helping more if help is truly required.

Could you get stuck in —the pub— traffic on the journey down?

I actually think guests should offer to help out, but I’m not keen on your MILs way. I’ve refused to host extended family this year after too many years of running round after everyone else.

Arrive late-ish, not long before dinner. Make an excuse that you've been a bit off colour in the morning, you can telephone in advance, or maybe car problems. I feel bad about saying all that, encouraging you to lie when I hate lying. I feel your pain though. It's one thing to lend a hand but to be commandeered into it is another thing.

Your husband can help with the clearing/washing up. I presume they have a dishwasher. The men usually wash up at Christmas any way.

Most people do muck in, they volunteer but shouldn't be 'volunteered', especially after a long car journey. Do you go home same night or stay over?

For all that, I hope you have a good time, lots of laughs with your husband's siblings, a good atmosphere.

in advance, for now. x

I’m happy to help out. It’s a cultural thing, different households, different expectations. I prefer to do everything for guests. However some of my family like me to help so I do.

I find it quite informal and relaxing to help with the dinner actually and you can feel closer to the hosts that way. Embrace it OP!

I come from a large family where everybody pitches in to help things go smoothly. I would do most of the cooking and DH helps on Xmas day but everyone would offer and probably do setting up and clearing away stuff.
My MIL hates other people cooking in her kitchen so we just help with laying out table and carrying stuff back into the kitchen, she also hates anyone else loading her dishwasher.
Family is different to guests.

I agree guests should help out but my MIL used to give me jobs to do in the kitchen which usually involved everything from peeling and cooking all the veg to helping plate up, while DH and all the other males sat around on their arses. On the other hand, no one in DHs extended family lifted a finger to help out when they spent xmas at ours. Including not bothering to help wash up (we had no dishwasher in those days). Needless to say we only hosted his entire extended family once.

I would definitely expect to help out family, especially if they are older (I don't know if your MIL is)

But I'd also expect a cup of tea and a rest first after driving.

If she mithers you as soon as you get in, just say. "Happy to help MIL, but I really need a sit down and cup of tea first after the drive'

Then after lunch I'd be saying 'So we helped cook - who's washing up' Looking at SILs and BILs

This year we are hosting Christmas day. DH is cooking and I'll be doing the tidying, setting the table, helping dish up, keeping on top of the dishwasher etc. It's close family that are coming so I would expect them to chip in a little, grab drinks from the fridge, carry stuff to the table, help clear the table, stuff like that. I wouldn't put them to work prepping the meal and washing up though.

With both mine and dh's family we always end up hosting anything because we have the most space. It does annoy me when people don't help a bit, I'm not expecting them to do a fair share of the chores but helping clear up afterwards at least.

Definitely arrive later.

I hate guests helping out in the kitchen - much to the chagrin of my mil and sils who would love for us all to be in the kitchen, harried and busy, frantically stirring pots together (I bless the person who came up with the phrase Spooney Fucker because that is what my darling mil is). I like to be in charge of my own kitchen and I like people to either chat to me sipping a glass of wine or sit in the living room in front of the fire while I pop in and out. I'd say it is my biggest fault in MIL's eyes.

My bil once invited me and another bil to dinner (we were both staying at family home because fil was ill) saying "come over for dinner but make sure you help Mary (his wife)" Only I like him, I'd have said "thanks but I'll stay put and make my own dinner".

In our family and dh's family we all muck in (well other than dBiL and dnephew but they're lazy fuckers). Wouldnt have it any other way tbh.

You could just do it really slowly, talking and drinking instead of washing up properly. Do it badly and then they won't ask next time.

I don't expect guests to do anything, but when it's Christmas it's normal in our house for mum to volunteer to help me if it's at ours or vice versa (dad and dh are in charge of taking kids to church, they are choristers, and walking dog then everything drink related including making tea for the cooks!) after dinner those who didn't cook do the washing up. Quite a traditional arrangement but neither my dad nor dh can be trusted with any cooking equipment beyond the toaster!!!

My mum came from a massive family and I was brought up with everyone pitching in - lots of gossip, much laughter, the kitchen was the party room. My son does more than his fair share, my stepchildren do nothing and it would never even occur to them to offer. Yes, I do judge them.

I wouldn't expect guests to help out, and I would be annoyed if I'm expected to help out as much as you have to after a long journey.

his siblings and their partners never end up doing hardly anything this would annoy me the most, his siblings and their partners should be pulling their weight if you are expected to. Especially with them being closer. When I stayed at my Mil's for Christmas me and DH would always end up doing all the veg and potatoe peeling, which I was fine with doing, it was the fact that DH's sister refused to ever do it and would never lift a finger and she lived there.

I expect Christmas Day guests to help out - mainly because I’m a single parent and I’ll be buggered if I’m running round like a blue-arsed fly whilst everyone else puts their feet up.

However, we all alternate Christmas Day and generally share cooking and clearing up. Someone will bring a dessert, maybe a meat and if they feel inclined some “special” veg dish. This year, I’ll cook a turkey crown, all the trimmings but various family members will contribute - sister is making dessert, mum is bringing ham and my brother is bringing an extra potato dish (he loves to cook).

I just don’t think it’s fair to expect someone else to do it all - it’s their Christmas too. This approach works for us as a family.

Depends how long the are staying for. I wouldn't expect help with prep for one meal - though after a big family Christmas lunch I would expect people to muck in with clearing up. My family are coming Xmas Eve dinner through Boxing Day tea. We will be 12 in total. DH and I would go mad if they didn't help! In fact, I don't see them so much as "guests". Just family spending Christmas together and ours is the only house big enough. Doesn't mean we have to do all the work! We still do most.

This is a very easy one to fix. Simply don’t arrive until 2:30/3pm

No expectation but it is nice to offer to help. I was brought up to offer. Often I will say no to any help but family help themselves to drinks.

I wouldn't do dishes beyond loading a dishwasher. If no dishwasher then washing dishes is their punishment for living like a caveman

A woman after my own heart.

I would try and get there later....and if noone else arrived go to the pub/cafe walk to to stretch your legs after being in teh acr what ever.... or makea cup of tea ....if your dp wants to crack on with helping his mum great ...some families work lilke that (mine do ) but no I wouldnt expect a partner too and I certainly wouldnt be handing out chores before tea/glass of wine....

Dh mum hates me trying to help in her kitchen - but is ok with DH and uses it as a way to catch up with him...I've got used to it and now just sit and have a cuppa...
Maybe just tell your DP if you cant go for a 'walk' he says cup of tea/gass of wine as you walk in the door....to prempt the tasks!

Eurgh my nans house it was always is kids expected to wash and dry. I don't expect anyone to help but my family are pretty good and try to help. They can see I have my hands full with a toddler and preparing a meal on my own

We all muck in at a family Christmas.

There is family and then there is family though isn’t there?

Christmas Day, at my sisters, for sure I’m peeling potatoes.

Going for DPs fathers birthday, no way mate, you’ve invited us, we’ve driven for 2.5 hours, do the prep before hand and greet me with a glass of wine. Of course mild help such as carrying food to the table and clearing away is expected but not actual prep work.

We have a lot of guests (live in a warm country, have the space), I work full time and DH is recovering from an injury that means he can't do much. I do need guests to help out. I try and make sure things are comfortable for them - beds made nicely, towels and provisions arranged but if I suddenly have to plan and arrange three meals a day for twice the number of people I get very overwhelmed. Fortunately most of our guests are very kind and do do their share. I wouldn't 'put them to work' as soon as they arrive though. Have you tried saying, "I definitely want to help out - but I just need had an hour to freshen up after the journey. Can I make some tea and then go and sort myself out?"

Sounds like she's just a bit stressed!