Do you expect guests to help prepare food and wash up?

[Prosecco94]

So we’re off to the in-laws for Christmas this year (which I’m dreading anyway!) We’re travelling down Christmas Day morning and will be with them at Midday, MIL has just text to say dinner will be at 3/3.30.

I’m dreading this for a few reasons but mainly because the year before last we were at In-laws and MIL dragged me into the kitchen almost as soon as we’d arrived (2 hour drive) so I could ‘get to work’ helping her prepare the dinner. I spent bloody ages chopping all the vegetables, roasting the potatoes, making the gravy etc and then once it was all eaten, it was ‘Right, who wants to wash, who wants to dry’ and spent the next hour scouring greasy pans with DP.

It’s not just Christmas this happens. We visit 3 x a year and every single time she’ll organise a ‘special family get together meal’ with DP’s siblings and do exactly the same, we’ll arrive and she’ll immediatley put DP and I to work, hooovering, tidying, meal prep, cooking etc.

FIL is really good and always helps cook/ tidy up so it’s not like she’s doing it all on her own anyway.

Now maybe IBU, but when we have guests to stay (including In Laws) DP and I pretty much do everything. We tell people to arrive 30 mins before whatever meal is due if they’re coming over for a meal etc and then give them glasses of various alcohol whilst we dish up etc. I mean yes, if they want to take their plate back into the kitchen and load into the dishwasher afterwards it’s gratefully recieved but I would never expect them to help clear up/ wash up etc.

Otherwise, I just don’t see the point? That’s what I always feel when I’m at MIL’s and she’s constantly asking me to do stuff, I just think what’s the point, I may as well have stayed at home and cooked for myself! It would’ve been less hassle, clearing up etc.

Maybe it’s just the way I’ve been brought up but when we go to my parents for dinner etc, my mum doesn’t expect DP to do anything. My mum cooks, my dad clears up. And I’ll help clear up sometimes etc, but likewise, when they come to us I don’t expect them to help cook/ clear up.

AIB lazy and U?

The men in my DHs family are all lazy CFs. So the women help MIL while they sit on their lazy chauvinist arses. I hate it. Thankfully my DH sees it too so isn’t as bad!
I kinda think it’s BU not to help, but it sounds like you’re doing way more than is normal. I’d be secretly planning a cunning plan with my wonderful dh to have an unexpected hold up Christmas morning (such as accidentally lazing around with the kids) and get there two hours late. Let the other siblings do the prep, but be gracious about doing the clear up.

I'm happy to help - set the table, take things through, tidy up in the kitchen. However if I arrived after a 2 hour journey & was immediately told to roll up my sleeves & peel potatoes & basically cook the meal, I wouldn't be going back. I am quite happy to cook - but I will do it my own way in my own kitchen when I choose to host, not in someone else's kitchen where I can't find everything & they want things done a different way.
It is fine to be expected to be helpful but if everyone else doesn't arrive till just before the meal & does not also help, then OP is being taken for a mug. I would arrive later & help clear up after the meal instead.

I don’t expect guests to help with cooking or cleaning but I get the rage if people don’t put their dishes in the dishwasher and just leave them on the bench. I also wouldn’t do a guests laundry, of course I wash the sheets/towels but if someone is staying for a week and wants to wash their clothes they can do it themselves.

At my mums, we are all expected to muck in.

Sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. Perhaps you’re the only one who hasn’t said no

Time your arrival so that others have been 'put to work' before you arrive

As previously stated, you should be "helping" with lunch but not "doing" lunch.

Does she truly wait til you're there to start prep? I've got one of these, loves to host but fannys around whilst I do the work.

I would not just show up late. Because then dinner will be at 7pm... and she'll be furious.

Get the furious out of the way, get dh to call her first thing this morning to say "Not sure if we mentioned, we'll be there at 2.30ish" because you're:

1- knackered
2- stopping off to visit friends
3- having a slow breakfast having been ships in the night for weeks with work and such.

Just turning up "late" and lying is not going to feel comfortable or go well.

Good luck!

When we went to DH’s people, I ended up ordering and paying for a weeks worth of Xmas shopping for 12 (inc Xmas lunch, turkey & trimmings) to be delivered.

Despite begging someone, anyone, to take delivery, they all forgot and the shopping was returned to the depot.

Frantic phone calls later and lovely Ocado turned the lorry around and delivered it at 11pm. Luckily someone opened the door.

When we arrived the next day (with stroppy teen, 6yr old and 3yr old twins) our lovely but clueless DFil had given us his house to stay in, but expected us to cook Xmas dinner for 14 and cart it up the road to the big house.

I have no idea how DH and I did that in DFil’s tastefully appointed batchelor kitchen - we had spuds in buckets.

We carted it all up the road and I was shown to my place, with DSil and the little DCs in the kitchen.
DH and DS1 escaped after the first course (We’d bought and cooked)
with wine and some bits they’d managed to scavenge for us.
DBil left Sil alone with a new baby and a wobbly toddler.
If it weren’t for us (DH is her DB and she is the loveliest Sil) none of them would have been given anything to eat or drink
.
They still go on about what a wonderful Xmas it was and how we should do it every year:

Individually, they’re lovely people. But I am never doing collective DH family Xmas again.

I agree with a previous poster, you are arriving too early. Aim to get there just before 3. If I host my husband will clear up.

So OP, will you take the majority advice and arrive close to the meal time?

Too bad if mil is furious. Turn up nearer 3 and if it's not done, don't get involved. She invited you.