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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 20/12/2018 11:44

They are desperate for attention and affection.

Tunnocks34 · 20/12/2018 11:45

OH cousinnhas moved her daughter counties and therefore schools 4 times for men she has met on BBM. Men she has spoken to over the course of a month, some have their own children some don’t. Every time the relationship has broken down and the girl has returned back to her original area at a different school (schools are reluctant to take her back due to her behaviour).

It’s very sad. Social services are involved but parenting has been deemed as ‘good enough’

SpiritedLondon · 20/12/2018 11:47

It’s amazing - I don’t know a single woman who has ever done any of these things.

Littleraindrop15 · 20/12/2018 11:47

That's actually really sad op. I would consider making new set of friends.

I understand sometimes it's not as black and white however dredging kids around for the thrill of new romance is piss take if there hasn't been careful consideration etc

CandyCreeper · 20/12/2018 11:51

SpiritedLondon

never been on the relationships board then? loads of women with children meet and move in with new partners very quickly.

NameChanger22 · 20/12/2018 11:53

I don't know any either. All the single mums I know have stayed single permanently, myself included. Life is better without men.

adaline · 20/12/2018 11:54

It’s amazing - I don’t know a single woman who has ever done any of these things.

Well, it certainly happens. I know plenty of people who rush into relationships when they have small children, with the men sleeping over after a matter of weeks.

You only have to read the boards on here to see it happens. People whose husbands leave them and move in with a new woman and her kids within a matter of weeks, or women who introduce their new "DP's" to their kids after a similar amount of time.

Racecardriver · 20/12/2018 11:55

Parents neglect their children in many ways.

continuallychargingmyphone · 20/12/2018 11:55

It is quite common spirited

NameChanger22 · 20/12/2018 11:58

I suspect it's rare though. Women are stigmatised for being single mums still, I can see why some would want to attach themselves to a man pretty quickly.

boringlyboring · 20/12/2018 11:59

My mum did this when I was little. Up and moved me from my extended family (who I spent 80% of my time with)

When they split as he was scum of the earth, she married not long after, to a man I met only once before he moved in with us.

She has made it clear several times over the years who is more important to her.

They’re still together now, I try to keep a relationship with her after NC for a long time, but various things that happened as a result of what she did have left me fucked.

NameChanger22 · 20/12/2018 11:59

This seems a bit of a single mum bashing thread to me.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 12:00

I am a single mum so it certainly isn’t!

OP posts:
peakSafeSpace · 20/12/2018 12:00

I think you're falsely conflating two issues.

The first issue sounds wrong as the man seems like a loser but, if he was going to be a great father and step dad, why should the mother stay single and less happy.

With the second, the babysitting, what's the problem? Childcare in the short term takes little more than patience and common sense.

Are you sexist?

Are you single?

MrsStrowman · 20/12/2018 12:01

You need to consider who you have in your social circle, I had one 'friend' who did this and who I was forever bailing out or buying things for her child as she'd prioritise men, going out or cigarettes. It was really stressful and I felt so bad for the child, especially when she split with yet another guy, who was actually really nice and decent. She asked me to drop off some of his belongings as she didn't drive and he lived nearer to me than her. I did and he told me he was very worried as he'd woken up in her bed one morning about six weeks after meeting her and she had put her female toddler in bed with him and gone to the shops. She was also encouraging the girl to call him daddy. He said it was all too much , which was why he ended it and it worried him as some men would've used that as an opportunity to abuse the child (his mum was a social worker so he was quite aware). In the end after five or six years of trying to help and support her, even getting her several jobs with family or friends, I had to walk away, my purse was stolen when I was at her home by her 'friend', I was sick of being used as a constant babysitter and cash point and as much as I felt sorry for her daughter, she wasn't my child and I couldn't change how she was being raised . At six after telling me before that she wanted to be a vet when she grew up, she told me she wasn't going to get a job because mummy doesn't and there's no point working (clearly copied from mum). I told the child's grandmother my concerns, as she was lovely and a lot was hidden from her and washed my hands of the situation. If you're seeing this happen regularly you need to think about who you socialise with.

NameChanger22 · 20/12/2018 12:02

Why don't you start a thread about all those households where the parents shout and argue in front of the kids all day long then? I suspect there are a lot more of those than single mums who find another man.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 12:02

With the second, the babysitting, what's the problem? Childcare in the short term takes little more than patience and common sense.
Have you any idea how many children have been killed and abused at the hands of a mothers new boyfriend?!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 20/12/2018 12:02

I can see how it happens. The pressure to be “a couple” is immense.

CandyCreeper · 20/12/2018 12:02

Hope shes not on here but I have a friend who has met someone recently and within weeks she had him and her small child sitting under a duvet on the sofa watching films. I was shocked. Thought it was highly inappropritae, it certainly DOES happen.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 12:03

Why don't you start a thread about all those households where the parents shout and argue in front of the kids all day long then
Because I wanted to start a thread about this because it is so prevalent in my life?! What an odd suggestion

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 20/12/2018 12:03

My mother was guilty of this. Two boyfriends after my dad left, one she married and is still with now. They were both abusive to me. I’m NC contact with her now.

I don’t see stating life experiences as ‘single mum bashing’ or why we should be silenced. It happens.

bobstersmum · 20/12/2018 12:04

I have known one or two do this. I have three young dc and can honestly say if anything happened to dh, I'd rather pluck my eyes out with red hot needles than put another man before my children.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 20/12/2018 12:05

Its hard as so many agony aunts and things do say to "make time for your partner" which I think often gets translated into put them first. Its also hard when people get newpartbers - ice seen countless men just drop kids because a new woman comes along after a separation.

continuallychargingmyphone · 20/12/2018 12:07

I’m a single mum too name but I think you’re taking it a bit personally to be honest (not a criticism.)

We are repeatedly told we should be coupled up: the world is built that way and it is hard and sometimes lonely parenting small children.

Babysitting young children is a bad idea as sometimes men with dubious intentions target single mothers.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 20/12/2018 12:09

Actually as a single mum myself I've only seen one of my single friend's get a new partner. He's lovely and she has a much better life with him than her heating ex. Every single mum's exnpartber has since refused weekends or maintenance or both since separating. So YABU as I think it is far more common for father to act selfishly. They just don't usually have the kids in their home.