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AIBU?

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Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
ElonMask · 23/12/2018 08:46

To refuse them due to poor character doesnt appear an option in your world? And no one should be accountable for their decisions?

Sure, and if a woman has sex with a man she just met that night or hardly knows, she is to blame if anything happens to her right ? I mean why would she risk making herself vulnerable to a man in that way ? We know what they're like.

It’s disappointing and baffling that people still see living alone as “falling on your sword”.

It's baffling how you decide society is incorrect about two resident parents being best for a child, or about how being in a loving relationship is a fulfilling experience, and yet you are all "won't someone think of the children" if the mother has what you deem too many boyfriends or they meet her children "too soon".

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:46

I don’t feel pressurised but I don’t enjoy it

I think that so sad Flowers

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:48

It's baffling how you decide society is incorrect about two resident parents being best for a child, or about how being in a loving relationship is a fulfilling experience

It’s baffling how you read the most basic of sentence and extrapolate out drawing totally the wrong conclusion.

Please do point out with my quotes where i have stated that two resident parents isn’t best. Or that being in a loving relationship can be fulfilling.

5fivestar · 23/12/2018 08:48

JacquesHammer - maybe give it ago for a few years yourself Jacque and then come back and let me know your thoughts 🙄

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:51

JacquesHammer - maybe give it ago for a few years yourself Jacque and then come back and let me know your thoughts

I’ve been single for 5 years come January. Very happily so and no desire for a partner.

5fivestar · 23/12/2018 08:52

We we’re all different aren’t we

BitchQueen90 · 23/12/2018 08:54

5fivestar I've been on my own 5 years and I don't find it crap at all, in fact I actively enjoy it. I don't need a partner to be happy.

ElonMask · 23/12/2018 08:54

I think that so sad flowers

This is silly. How would you feel if someone pitied you because you aren't in a relationship ? I actually can guess the answer the question is rhetorical Smile

The point is that you don't like it when people judge your relationship status or question your parenting skills on account of it, but yet seem quite happy to do just that yourself.

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:55

We we’re all different aren’t we

Oh come on. I offer sympathy because you said you weren’t overly happy.

Then you get snippy and tell me to “try it sometime” and then I get the “we’re all different” because I actually have tried it Grin

Is there something in the water?!

Upsy1981 · 23/12/2018 08:55

To add to this, although my mum had a dreadful relationship with someone when I was a child that has had a profound negative effect on me, she then went on to meet a fantastic man who wasn't jealous of me and didn't expect my mum to put him first. She didn't rush in to this one and I was much older so doing my own thing more anyway and didn't 'need' her physically around as much. This man has gone on to become the most consistent male role model in my life so it can work successfully but has to be done right and the new partner has to realise they are not in competition with the children.

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:56

This is silly. How would you feel if someone pitied you because you aren't in a relationship ? I actually can guess the answer the question is rhetorical

I pitied her because she said she wasn’t happy.

People do pity me all the time because I’m single. Then I get the “never say never” tribe Grin

That’s my point. Why are we pitying people who aren’t in relationships when it’s by choice?

BitchQueen90 · 23/12/2018 08:56

I think being long term single when you have kids can be one of the best things for your own self worth. I put up with things in previous relationships that I know now I would never put up with but a lot of other people do for fear of being alone. I know what I will and will not stand for in any future relationship. If I do find someone who fulfills my needs then that's great. But if I never do then that's fine too, I'm not afraid of being alone.

5fivestar · 23/12/2018 09:05

BitchQueen90 - well I won’t lie I think you’re mad and Jacques too. I hate it. I’m a very socialable person, I get asked out a lot, popular on dating sites etc but my “issue” apparently is that I except a lot from people - well yes - and that won’t change any time soon so if it’s s choice between putting up with any nonsense vs being alone obviously being alone is less stressful. My ex gets married next year and by the sounds of it he’s gone out the frying pan into the fire, his choice and our kids laugh at him. But equally nobody wants me with my situation - which is hardly horrendous- and the men that would take on my child aren’t good enough for me never mind my boy so there we have it. Enforced singledom

Wonkysack · 23/12/2018 09:10

Why are we pitying people who aren’t in relationships when it’s by choice
I pity people in new relationships who never experience the closeness to the kids you get as a single parent. And their kids. No having to make themselves scarce when a man comes home, no having to share a resident parent a lot of whose attention goes on romantic relationships. Who have to be in bed early so mum can give boyfriend attention downstairs. Who cant go in mums bedroom because a weird bloke is in there, for older kids knowing wht. Having weekends to enjoy with their mum, not having a stranger
around all the time.
The kids adore him.
Yeah right. They'd probably be over the moon to have their mum back.

ElonMask · 23/12/2018 09:10

That’s my point. Why are we pitying people who aren’t in relationships when it’s by choice?

Well I'm a bit Xmas Hmm about that, I think what you find so sad is that someone would be happier in a relationship than own their own. But if I'm wrong about that then apologies.

My point is that you don't like being judged, no one does, but there is more than a hint of smuggery here. I don't need a man but I could choose to be in a relationship if I wanted to be. So you could have what the poster you pity wants, but you're above that and hence feel sorry for her. The truth is that could choose to try not to be single but no one can see the future as we all know.

Also the whole tone here is judgement of women who are deemed not to be good mothers.

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 09:18

I think what you find so sad is that someone would be happier in a relationship than own their own. But if I'm wrong about that then apologies

No. I find it really sad that the PP said “I don’t enjoy it”, as I posted Confused. Wouldn’t you find it sad if a person wasn’t happy with their circumstances?

So you could have what the poster you pity wants, but you're above that and hence feel sorry for her

Yes, I could have had over the last 5 years. I chose not to not because “I’m above it” but I literally have no interest in being in a relationship. I feel sad she hasn’t had the opportunity if she wants it.

well I won’t lie I think you’re mad and Jacques too

Ah so not so much “we’re all different aren’t we”? Wink

ElonMask · 23/12/2018 09:29

Wouldn’t you find it sad if a person wasn’t happy with their circumstances?

Maybe a bit sorry for them, but I wouldn't typically find it so sad.

Yes, I could have had over the last 5 years.

Interesting, so it seems you can read the future after all ? Maybe you can give the other poster a few tips ? Perhaps what you mean is that you could have chosen to try and have a relationship but since you can't read the future they all might have failed. It's an important difference you see, otherwise it comes over as very superior, I could have what you want, but i don't want it.

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 09:32

otherwise it comes over as very superior, I could have what you want, but i don't want it

So you’d like me to pretend I’m not happy being single?

Pass the sackcloth and ashes

ElonMask · 23/12/2018 09:37

So you’d like me to pretend I’m not happy being single?

For Christ's sake.

No, I want you to stop pretending you know you could be in a relationship whenever you feel like it. These typically involve a third party you see and you have other women telling you they find it difficult. What I'm interested in is why it would be so easy for you when it so hard for others ?

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 09:39

No, I want you to stop pretending you know you could be in a relationship whenever you feel like it

I didn’t say that (again please supply me with quotes). I said over the last 5 years I have had opportunity, but hey, what’s reading what I wrote between friends?!

OP - apologies for the bizarre derail.

darkriver198868 · 23/12/2018 09:47

I have seen this in both ways.

My Mum meet my stepfather quite quickly. He was a stranger in the park and they got talking. He started to give her money for food. They moved in quite quickly and had my brother. My stepfather then went on to sexually abuse me at an incredibly early age and continued to do so until my late teens.. She refused to believe me and definitely prioritises him over her children.

My sister started dating someone when her youngest son was about 6. She had been separated from her children's father for a few years. There relationship was pretty fast. They seem to have a good stable relationship and my nephew's seem to adore him.

There does seem to be a disparity though. When my ex-husband left he moved on pretty quickly. (I mean days) when I critised his behaviour I was told by his family "let someone else have him" ??

Notacluethisxmas · 23/12/2018 09:54

Some posters will say anything and twist anything to avoid theactualissue the Op and most others are talking about, simply so they can carry on believing that doing whatever they like is perfectly fine.

Erm no. I don't live with my partner. So you are avoiding the facts.

I simply say this thread putting all the responsibility onto the mothers.

People have actually said it's not as bad when fathers do it. How is that avoiding the argument?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 09:58

I loved being single, I was on my own with DS1 for 4 years, no dating, no men (bar one very foolish ONS when DS1 was with his dad which I hated) and I was quite happy.

When I met DP things changed, but I wouldn’t have given up being single for anyone but him.

Pitying people who are happily single seems a bit snide to me tbh, it’s pushing your own opinions on to someone else who didn’t ask for them!

Neweternal · 23/12/2018 10:06

The truth is often when you rush into a new relationship its to make you feel validated. Men and women need to be careful when they have children. There are pressures to couple up, this may be something from times gone by where it ensured financial stability. Nowadays just look at the "cocklodgers" on the relationship site to know the world has changed. Besides in days gone by these men would have been committed before moving in as women tended not to co-habit. In some ways it's worse now some step parents seem to think the child are nothing to do with them. There was a women on here complaining about the mean tested university grant and how her finances were involved. It seems now step parent are not 100% on board with commitment to the child's best interest, to me surely you must consider this before getting involved with someone who has kids,but no I don't think they do. It's about their relationship with the parent and that's it.

LuaDipa · 23/12/2018 10:10

I’m shocked at the whataboutery on this thread. I’ve posted about both my dm and a relative on here, dm a great example of single motherhood, relative not so much. I do judge relative for bringing strangers into dc’s life, the change in the dc over the years is awful to see. From being a happy go lucky, loving dc, to a sullen, tantrum prone child who lashed out. I can’t help but judge her for that.

However, I also judge the ‘d’f, who has never had contact, never paid a penny, and left them to play happy families with another woman who had a child fgs. Then went on to have another child with woman so quickly the kids are both in the same school year (obviously at diff schools). You’d better believe that I judge him much more harshly than the dm. For all her faults and errors of judgement she has not abandoned her own dc. But she still isn’t providing a stable environment for dc. And my heart goes out to poor dc who by virtue of pure bad luck has ended up with two dp’s who put themselves first. Dc deserves better.

Why does it have to be a race to the bottom?

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