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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 20/12/2018 12:10

It is awful. My best friend years ago constantly pawned her DD on everyone to go in dates. The child would always be 2nd best. I didn't have DC at the time. I always felt awful for the DD. I took care of her lots.
Well low and behold the DD now 19, that I didn't see in 8 years contacted me as she missed me not We went to lunch she asked me to mind her 2 year old for 4 days while she went to Ibiza with her new fella.
I said no, not a chance the poor child only meet me on the day but it was worrying how history was repeating itself.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 12:11

So YABU as I think it is far more common for father to act selfishly
Not disputing that at all but it’s not actually what the thread is about.

OP posts:
adaline · 20/12/2018 12:12

This seems a bit of a single mum bashing thread to me.

Eh? Not all single parents are good parents, just like not all married couples are good parents. Being a single mum doesn't leave you immune to criticism when you do something stupid.

I know some amazing single parents, who have fought tooth and nail for their kids, but equally I know some who have made some really poor decisions in the relationship department.

continuallychargingmyphone · 20/12/2018 12:13

Oh, I absolutely agree that men are usually the selfish ones. But generally speaking instability is bad for children.

adaline · 20/12/2018 12:15

So YABU as I think it is far more common for father to act selfishly. They just don't usually have the kids in their home.

Nobody is saying fathers don't act selfishly sometimes, and of course it is harder to date/have a new relationship when you have the majority care of the children but that doesn't mean you can invite any Tom, Dick or Harry into their lives either.

And of course the vast majority of single mums don't do that, but there is unfortunately those that do and unfortunately it can often be to the childs' detriment.

Notacluethisxmas · 20/12/2018 12:16

I know what you mean.

But I don't see it as any worse than women who have several babies with men who are already lazy, feckless and shit parents to the existing children.

You see it in here all the time. Posts about shit their oh are as father and partners. Then the revelation that they have had 3/4 kids with this shit man.

MargotSimpson · 20/12/2018 12:18

Why do you expect to be flamed for this? misses the point

WestBerlin · 20/12/2018 12:19

How does men behaving badly excuse women neglecting their children?

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 12:20

I remember a few kids from school whose mums had rushed into new relationships unsettling the kids. In one our two cases they started new families and it was like they just lost interest in their first child Sad.

I'm guessing these people rationalize it to themselves somehow. Happy mum happy kids maybe?

knittedjest · 20/12/2018 12:24

MIL was one of these women. She allowed terrible things to happen to her children for the love of the men around her. Including knowingly allowing her brother to molest them and allowing a man who was raped her right in front of them into their lives. But I feel nothing but sympathy for her. She had a truly horrific childhood that she was never able to recover or move on from until the day she died and she knew no other way. Her brother also molested and raped her as a teenager as well and was sexually obsessed with her entire life. She also married her own foster father, twice, and had an affair with her stepfather. There are reasons why people are like they are. They don't excuse bad behavior but they allow us to understand why they act as they do.

Like you said, Mil was an incredibly intelligent and artistic woman. And very likeable and progressive. She survived the most horrific childhoid abuse I've ever heard of (and I've been a social worker), was a teenage mother in Americas deep south in the 60's and still managed to graduate high school a year early and build herself an amazing career and name recognition in her field, travelled extensively and by the time she died in her early 50's was a very wealthy woman in her right. But she could never get over her childhood mentally. And that's a shame because it had a huge impact on her children. All are very successful but mentally fucked up and are pretty much textbook examples of intergenerational trauma.

FaFoutis · 20/12/2018 12:24

My mother did this. She fucked up my life and her life in one stupid decision. I have seen it a lot in real life and on MN. The mothers seem to think that if they are happy then the children must be happy, despite all evidence to the contrary.
It is ultimately selfish and stupid, however you justify it.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 12:27

I think also with "blended families" becoming more common maybe people don't see them as much of a big deal and rush them and just assume it will work out.

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 12:27

I agree @write - it is more common than it should be.

I've been single since I split from my son's father. I've had the opportunity to date if I wanted to, but I honestly don't want to right now.

I know that all men aren't monsters but, right now, my son needs me to make him my number 1 priority. He's only 2, so I have a few more years of single life, but I made my choice when I had him and I'm happy with that decision.

Maybe when my son is older I will think about dating again. Even if I don't meet anyone in the future, I will be able to sleep at night knowing I did what I thought was best for my child.

Having said that, many men can and do make wonderful step-dads. But I don't think a good man would expect you to uproot your kids to move in with him whilst he was unemployed.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 20/12/2018 12:28

I don't see why the thread isn't just about "parents". Any child neglect is neglect. Just starting qq thread making out when mums do it that it's worse is U. My point is we are often conditioned to see it as worse because women with children aren't 'meant' to have love lives. It doesn't work the same for men yet they often do far more damaging things like witholding maintenance and increasing the likelyhood of their child falling into poverty.

LovingLola · 20/12/2018 12:29

It’s amazing - I don’t know a single woman who has ever done any of these things.

There are many posts on MN from woman who do these things.

Sickofdrugs · 20/12/2018 12:33

Cousin has 3. 2 from 1 man and 1 from new #besthubbyever. The DH doesn't mind the girl but the boy he hates. Boy lives with grandparents and attends a special school due to extreme anger and trauma. They saw him for an hour on christmas day 2 years ago. He was so upset he couldn't go with his mum he sprayed deodorant in his eyes. The lad was 9. 9 and his step dad refuses to have him in the house so his mum threw him out. I am disgusted by her.

A girl I met at a childrens centre lost her DS to adoption due to new partner beating her and the DS. She tried to start a new family with the abuser but lost the new baby too.

I suppose they have reasons. But those are reasons I don't understand.

WestBerlin · 20/12/2018 12:33

Personally I’d say the years of abuse inflicted upon me by my stepfather while my mother let it happen for the sake of ‘having a man’ we’re worse than anything my father did.

Why can’t we have a thread discussing women’s behavior without bringing up men and resorting to whataboutery?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 20/12/2018 12:36

It's both. Men too shouldn't be immediately living with women and kids they hardly know.

Bananalanacake · 20/12/2018 12:39

I would shout at that relative "why the F%#k are you moving in with a lazy piece of shit in a dirty flat"? But I assume you have already asked. I hope she's known him more than a year.

Birdsgottafly · 20/12/2018 12:49

SpiritedLondon, namecanger2, is it rare? most murders of toddlers/babies are Step Dads etc, so are abuse/assault etc. You're fortunate to not know of any Women who do this.

It is a complex issue.

I think if we all started valuing Women and Mother's, the unpaid and paid roles that they do and not have the attitude that living in couples is the right way, there would be less of it.

Also getting rid of everyday sexism, a Welfare system/maintenance laws, that don't put Mothers in poverty.

Birdsgottafly · 20/12/2018 12:50

Queenofthedrivensnow, but it's for a Mother to safeguard her children.

JacquesHammer · 20/12/2018 12:51

I think if we all started valuing Women and Mother's, the unpaid and paid roles that they do and not have the attitude that living in couples is the right way, there would be less of it

Absolutely this.

Oakenbeach · 20/12/2018 12:59

This seems a bit of a single mum bashing thread to me.

Wtf? The thread is specifically referring to mum’s in relationships NOT single mums? Hmm

Oakenbeach · 20/12/2018 12:59

Mums not mum’s

TotallyKerplunked · 20/12/2018 13:00

My mother was like this as well, for her it was a fear of being alone (I didn't count). No matter how shit the bloke was to her or me, she was blind, how you can sit back when your 13 year old DD tells you that your current partner snuck into her room and wanked on her face and not lose your shit is beyond me. She is still with him.

For an intelligent and successful woman I still find it baffling and upsetting and it had had major impacts in my life and relationships.

I'm seeing the same thing happening with my SIL who has moved yet another stranger in with her and the kids, insisting they call him daddy (despite their actual father having to fight her for access which she allows or refuses on a whim). The kids behaviour has deteriorated and this time there have been several reports to social services as this new chap is as dodgy as fuck, its so sad.

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