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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 20/12/2018 16:14

Most children live with their mothers after divorce, so obviously their mother's new relationship affects them more.
There's nothing wrong with a being a single mother, I haven't seen any of that in these forums.
There is plenty of anti-stepmother feeling here though.

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:16

Why no mention ofparentswho move quickly into new relationships?

Try reading the thread. Many mentions of this.

adaline · 20/12/2018 16:17

See, what I find fascinating is the misogyny involved in these posts. Why no mention of parents who move quickly into new relationships?

Because the thread title was about single mums? There are already hundreds of threads on here condemning men for moving on too quickly and moving their new girlfriends into the DC's lives.

Those men are slated hugely on here, but apparently as soon as you criticise women for the same behaviour, it's misogynistic and discriminatory.

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 16:18

This is why I don't openly and proudly shout about dh not being ds biological father. People judge so harshly. Been together since now teen ds was 1yo.

I was in my early 20s when ds father sodded off with another woman never to be seen again. I wasn't going to rule out any hope of having a relationship or more dc again.

We've muddled along as well as many a biological family in my opinion. Dh has pretty much slotted into our life rather than vice verca and I'll probably get slated for saying this but ds wouldn't have had half the nice experiences that he has if it weren't for dh.

Funnily enough I know a bloke, he's on his third girlfriend since leaving the mother of his child. No one ever judges him.

YoungLennyGodber · 20/12/2018 16:18

My cousin did this. Had four children, cheated on her BF, dumped him and moved staight in with another man. She’s gone on to have another four children in four years. It’s chaotic and her elsest four (all boys) are really suffering. They miss their dad. But she’s happy, and apparently you only live once, so that’s ok.
Sad

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:19

That was for @ohreallyohreallyoh who missed the many, many posts saying people/parents/fathers. Stop seeing mysogeny where there is none.

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:20

Bloody hell, misogyny. Don't know where mysogeny came from?!

TheBigBangRocks · 20/12/2018 16:21

I think it's very common with both sexes. They see what they want and go for it seemingly not caring the damage it can cause. I know plenty of adults who are NC with parents as they were always second best to a love life and new children.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/12/2018 16:23

Those men are slated hugely on here, but apparently as soon as you criticise women for the same behaviour, it's misogynistic and discriminatory

Nope. Don’t buy it. Men are rarely called out on such behaviour.

Biologifemini · 20/12/2018 16:24

Ask the kids what they think to their parents behaviour when they are 25, and then you will know if it worked out.

It is depressing to read about how common it is.

LilMy33 · 20/12/2018 16:25

I’m not sure it’s common as in a lot of women do this but certainly it seems to be the same ones doing it over and over if that makes sense?

I think some people (in this case women) have low self esteem and crave love and affection and there’s no quick fix for that so their standards often drop and they do things that aren’t a great idea to maintain their relationship. And of course there those men who choose to exploit their vulnerability. And so the cycle continues.

I say that as someone who has been in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t have put up with it for as long as I did if I thought I was worth more.

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:25

Nope. Don’t buy it. Men are rarely called out on such behaviour.

There aren't as many men who have sole custody of their children, so it makes sense that it happens less. You know, if you want to actually think about it before spouting such nonsense.

And again, read the bloody thread.

Mia1415 · 20/12/2018 16:26

I think some people just can't cope on their own and are so desperate to be in a relationship that it almost blinds them.

I'm the complete opposite to this. I'm a single Mum and have been single for a very long time. I can't imagine sharing my life and my DS's life with anyone.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 16:27

Men are rarely called out on such behaviour

WHAT?! I can say with certainty that I have been the author of numerous threads about DDs feckless father! You’re looking for misogyny where there is none.

I hate this thread controlling “why not make a thread about this”, “don’t you care about that?”
Why not let people discuss what they like?!

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/12/2018 16:28

Oh right. It’s only about people who have sole custody? It’s OK to have loads of partners who introduce them if they only see them once a week? That couldn’t possibly have any impact on the children whatsoever, could it? Maybe read my comments before being so rude?

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:28

But @Pinknike that's not what we're discussing. Had you just met the man when you moved in together?

adaline · 20/12/2018 16:30

Nope. Don’t buy it. Men are rarely called out on such behaviour.

There are hundreds of threads on here about people who are unhappy because their ex has introduced their new girlfriend after three weeks and she's staying the night and even sharing the same bed as the children. Why can't women be criticised for the same behaviour?

But it's also true that far less men have sole custody and therefore it is easier in a sense for them to move on and have new relationships. If you only have your DC 1/2 nights per week you can have as much more childfree time with which to pursue a relationship.

BottleOfJameson · 20/12/2018 16:30

@Pinknike

I don't think anyone has suggested that no mother should find a new partner. Just that the child should come first and she should be much more cautious and ensure the relationship has a future before moving her child in with him.

stayathomer · 20/12/2018 16:30

It can be a worry ith kids but at the same time assuming someone isn't worth moving in with because they're unemployed is so judgemental and assuming people who are actively looking for someone to share their life with is needy and pathetic isn't great either.

Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 16:30

That's not what the thread is about though @ohreallyohreallyoh

How many times - READ THE THREAD!!!

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 16:31

Women are judged more harshly though, for most things. This is just another example.

As a mother I've been judged a hell of a lot.

For working and putting my baby in nursery
For working part time therefore not working enough and being a burden on the state
For being a single parent
For having a boyfriend

Even years later it seems I am still judged and plenty think I've ruined my sons life by him having a stepfather.

adaline · 20/12/2018 16:31

It’s OK to have loads of partners who introduce them if they only see them once a week?

Where has ANYBODY said that?

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2018 16:37

Plenty of threads on Mnet about feckless fathers ohreallyohreallyoh. This isn't one of them.

WestBerlin · 20/12/2018 16:39

My mother deflects too, whenever I tried to talk to her about my childhood and the abuse she tried to change the subject to reflect on any and everybody else. She was, is, completely unable to take responsibility for her own actions.

Confusingly, at the same time, she’d also insist that our blended family worked perfectly and we were one of the success stories. Absolutely delusional.

drspouse · 20/12/2018 16:40

We are adoptive parents and so many of the stories of children who have had to be removed from birth parents are because birth mum cannot or will not leave her violent partner, hence leaving her children at risk.
But we know it is VERY hard for women to leave a violent partner.

I see a lot of threads on here where men (usually ex-Ps of the OP) are called out for introducing their children to one woman after another that he brings in to fill a hole in his life. Usually, not being the RP, he doesn't move them across the country.