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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
Oakenbeach · 20/12/2018 13:01

Judging by the defensive or deflective posts from some on here, I’m guessing a number of the posters are exactly the ones the OP is referring to!

Oakenbeach · 20/12/2018 13:04

So YABU as I think it is far more common for father to act selfishly. They just don't usually have the kids in their home.

Whataboutery at it’s worst! Maybe you should also have said “YABU as cuckoos are far worse parents than humans”.

LettuceP · 20/12/2018 13:07

YANBU! I've seen this many times, so so selfish.

Oakenbeach · 20/12/2018 13:11

peakSafeSpace

With the second, the babysitting, what's the problem? Childcare in the short term takes little more than patience and common sense.

Are you genuinely that naive?! So a couple weeks of dating and few shags mean that you know the man as safe? Maybe they should just do away with DBS checks in schools and just ask if any new teacher is dating someone, and get that person to vouch for him. Doesn’t matter if it’s only been a few weeks, if he’s good in bed I’m sure he’ll be fine with the kids Confused

TopBitchoftheWitches · 20/12/2018 13:12

I'm a single mum and will be staying that way for a long time.

I have seen other single mum friends lurch from one man to another. It does seem as though they aren't happy unless seeing someone. Someone their children get to know very quickly.

ArmySal · 20/12/2018 13:15

The worst case I know of personally was a woman with a young child who met a man I was actually friends with. Long story short they ended up having two children together and horribly neglected the woman’s first child, both ended up receiving prison sentences and had their own children removed into social services care.
Before meeting the man the child had apparently been well looked after.
I’d have never believed in a million years the man I knew was capable of such cruelty.

I know some other single parents who change partners more frequently than their underwear.

adaline · 20/12/2018 13:16

With the second, the babysitting, what's the problem?

Really? You'd let a complete stranger babysit your kids? Being nice on dates and good company doesn't mean they're not dangerous.

If you need a babysitter, get someone you know properly, or a professional with a DBS check!

peakSafeSpace · 20/12/2018 13:17

@Oakenbeach

You never know if anyone is safe. Teachers. Mothers. Enhanced DBS. Priests. TV personalities.

Are you that nieve that you think certain people can be trusted because of their position in society?

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 13:18

Op you've made a couple of different points here.

The example of the woman moving away with her dc, well under those circumstances that sounds utterly shit.

The example about leaving a dc with a boyfriend. Well what's the problem with that?

I was a single parent to a 1 year old, many years ago when I met my dh, I let my then boyfriend (now dh), look after my child on occasion. Gosh when ds was 4yo I even left him with my boyfriend for the weekend while I went to a spa for a relatives hen do. I had by that time been with boyfriend for 3 years.

Dh is and was perfectly capable of looking after a child.

Lots of people put bad relationships before their children, for all sorts of reasons.

But that isn't limited to women and single parents.

missesbiggens · 20/12/2018 13:23

It's heartbreaking to hear some of these stories, poor poor children who deserve so much more :-( I know a couple of terrible stories too (of now grown ups) and the damage this does to them is beyond repair. There is no worse thing really than to be neglected and rejected by the one person supposed to love you more than anything else in the world.

I am recently single and loving it but I have two little ones who are my world and who will always come first no matter what. I didn't have the best childhood myself so I am absolutely determined that my own children should feel loved, secure and nurtured, and I prize this above all else. If I do (somehow) meet a nice man, it would be a relationship that did not include the children at all until very very far (years) down the line if at all.

My new found freedom is all about caring for my children, building my career and financial security, looking after my health and home etc. A shiny new soul-sucking vampire that has more expectations than obligations, and who would impinge on my children's lives, is the last thing on my wish list.

steff13 · 20/12/2018 13:23

My (male) cousin chose his girlfriend over his children. This was after they were taken away from their mother because her husband molested them. Children's Services took them from him because of something she had done. All he had to do to get them back was end his relationship with her and take a parenting class, and he refused. They were eventually adopted by another family.

FissionChips · 20/12/2018 13:24

Judging by the defensive or deflective posts from some on here, I’m guessing a number of the posters are exactly the ones the OP is referring to

Most likely .

A couple of weeks ago on a thread about how soon is too soon to move a man into their home, many posters berated me for saying 4 months is too soon. Lots of “OMG, why are you judging?! I moved my boyfriend in after 3 weeks and he’s great thanks!”

They care more about their own sexual desires than the wellbeing of their children.

missesbiggens · 20/12/2018 13:25

It is abuse rather than safety people worry about. Leaving a defenseless child alone with a man you hardly know, especially for a weekend, is gross negligence. And if anything did happen, what's to say you would find out about it? "our little secret" and all that :-(

BitchQueen90 · 20/12/2018 13:26

I agree with you OP. I'm a single mum and have been single since splitting up with DS's dad almost 5 years ago.

The way I look at it is DS will already find it difficult enough being a child of divorced parents so why would I want to disrupt things even more by having a boyfriend come into his life.

Some people can't seem to cope being single and honestly I think that's really sad.

If I ever did meet somebody that I wanted a relationship with then he wouldn't be involved with my DS any more than my friends are. And I certainly wouldn't move in with anyone.

My ex husband has a girlfriend who he lives with but I don't think it's the same thing as I am the RP with 90% residency, DS onky spends 2 or 3 nights a month with his dad. I want my home, his main home, to be the place he feels secure in.

MrsAndrewEldritch · 20/12/2018 13:28

They care more about their own sexual desires than the wellbeing of their children.

^^ this.

And overall neediness and inability to be on their own. (From first hand experience).

I didnt repeat the cycle. Outcomes were much better for my DC as a result.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 20/12/2018 13:29

Oaken the op is upset because the kids live with the parent having a new relationship. This is more likely to be the mum. Therefore mothers who dare to have a new relationship are at the shitty end of the stick if their relationship isn't perfect but the men can ignore kids and without money in over 2 thirds of cases with maintenance in UK and people barely blink an eye. And for the record I am a single mum but I've not been out since I had 3 hours in a pub July and have no inclination to get into another relationship. So no I am not "exactly" like this.

RiverTam · 20/12/2018 13:30

I know of a situation where a mother lost all 5 of her children rather than lose her man. Her self esteem must have been in tatters.

But it's not just about high level stuff - I know women who just accept crap - not abusive or anything close to it - but just crap men in their lives.

We need to take a good long hard look at the messages our society promotes.

SassitudeandSparkle · 20/12/2018 13:31

The OP clearly said brand new boyfriends minding so yes, a lot of defensiveness I agree!

ArmySal · 20/12/2018 13:31

They care more about their own sexual desires than the wellbeing of their children.

Absolutely.

MisstoMrs · 20/12/2018 13:36

Gosh, so many sad stories on this thread.

On the one hand, when we become parents we are still people. I don’t think forming a new relationship precludes providing a safe, caring and nurturing environment for your child / children if a parent becomes single.

However, where it becomes an issue is where an individual puts something else above their children. For me, that’s true irrespective of whether it’s a new partner, a hobby, a job, whatever. When we have children we are responsible for providing them with love, boundaries, security (if we can) and support. Nothing should come before that.

Equally though - and I fully expect to get flamed for this - I think we should also be raising our children to be responsible for themselves. I really struggle with people in their 20s and 30s making poor life choices who blame those choices on their childhood. I am not talking about abuse; that has a profound effect on individuals. For context, when I was a child my mum had cancer, my mums dad was a violent alcoholic. I’m not saying that I’ve had it hard, just that I think everyone has issues. That doesn’t prevent any of us being responsible for the decisions that we make as adults.

Ok, flame away Blush

Fuckyousanta · 20/12/2018 13:37

They care more about their own sexual desires than the wellbeing of their children.

Yep. Acquaintance has got with and split up with the same bloke 4 times in the last year. Whenever they split up she slags him off to anyone who will listen, all over fb, what a horrible abusive man he is. Got back together last week and she’s now posting photos of him in bed asleep with her and her daughter Hmm #somuchinlove #luckygirl

madnstressed · 20/12/2018 13:37

I fear one of these could be me Blush
I met my partner when my son was 5 months old. Within 2 months he had moved in. 6 years later we are still together.
I'm saddened to read that he may only be with me to get to my child Hmm although it happens it's certainly not the case for everyone.

whiteroseredrose · 20/12/2018 13:42

Army Sal has it in one.

I know someone like this. She's a v well paid solicitor and her sex life and career have consistently come before her DD's needs.

Onto DH number 3 now but she married DH number 2 knowing that he disliked her DD.

BitchQueen90 · 20/12/2018 13:42

madnstressed

I don't think anyone's saying it's the same for everyone. But I do think it's naive and a bit selfish to move partners in so quickly when you have young children to consider. Just being honest.

RelativePitch · 20/12/2018 13:43

I've seen it with a few of the school mums I know. Very disruptive for DCs especially when they had to move away only to come back a short time later because it hasn't worked out. It's nothing new. A lot of my mum's friends in the 80s the moment they got divorced it was a free for all. Kids very much secondary. So glad my mother didn't do too much of this. Although she did leave me with a friend for a week when I was 7 so that she could go and see her Spanish boyfriend. Wouldn't have been a problem, but I was very ill when she left and ended up in hospital with tonsillitis complications. I have forgiven her though!