Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

I actually agree snuggy
One

Locally to me there was a missing teenage girl who has never been found, some suspected the stepfather, years later he murdered the stepson. The woman stayed with him.
Another local case, stepfather abused three sisters from very young ages and the mother stayed with him even through the court case.

Introducing a new partner to children within a few months is at best irresponsible and at worse cruel and potentially dangerous. That is the case whether it is the father or the mother. If it worked out well that is obviously good, but it doesn’t make it right or safe.

My mum would be one of the people saying it worked put for her/us, but she has rewritten history and conveniently forgotten my abuse by the first bloke, me being left with a relative in another city whilst she went off to get married to the other in different country. I didn’t even know when she returned.

The 2nd time I met her husband was the day he moved in with us.

I told her straight away I won’t give him ‘hello’ hugs and kisses like she made me with the first bloke, eventually she forgot that she’d agreed to that too.

Today she brags about how well she raised her kids.

@boringlyboring proving the point I made about 20 minutes ago. Many of these "parents" are deluded, convincing themselves that it worked out for them. Their children often tell a very different story.

So sorry this happened to you @boringlyboring - I hope you have managed to make a better life for yourself, although I know the hurt will never disappear completely.

Genuinely how is it devastating for the children?
In my case my son was still a baby. Was I suppose to wait until he was old enough to speak to be able to have his consent to moving a man in?

Thank you huggybear

Genuinely how is it devastating for the children?
In my case my son was still a baby. Was I suppose to wait until he was old enough to speak to be able to have his consent to moving a man in?

It's not a terrible idea, actually. It's just as much your son's home as it is yours - but you weren't thinking of your son, were you?

60 days after meeting a man, you move him in. It's not great, is it?

No, in all honesty I wasn't. My son's father was killed while I was still pregnant. I was devastated at loosing him but fell back in touch with a man I'd known for 4 years, I was ecstatic, in a major honeymoon phase (please don't flame me I'm being completely honest) and blinded my love (genuinely thought I'd never find love again) this man healed me I wouldn't even have the words to begin to describe. He's fab with my son, treats him like his own and is looking at adopting him. I honestly don't know what I'd have done if it didn't work out, or he had been violent or something. But I can't see how in my case it's disturbing for my son

My aunt did this - children always came second to whatever man was on the scene at the time. Now history's repeating itself. My cousin moved her young son half way around the world so she could marry a man she'd spent about 3 months with. It was all wonderful, marvelous, lots of pictures of them all settling in as a family.

It's of no surprise to anyone that a year later they're divorced and she's moved back to England, uprooting her son again. Now they're living on a friend's sofa while she's trying to get her little boy into a school. She wonders why he's always acting up...

But I can't see how in my case it's disturbing for my son

When it works, of course it's not disturbing. Because it worked.

But, so often, it doesn't work and it's the child that suffers - getting attached to a series of men who are only in their lives for a short period and who have no responsibility towards them. I'm really glad it worked out for you, but realistically, it could just have easily gone wrong.

madnstressed because after being with someone for 2 months you have no idea what they are really like. Even if you had known him years beforehand you don't know what he's like in a relationship context. Obviously it worked out and you are happy but I don't know how you'd be able to trust somebody you'd be dating only 2 months with your baby son. I just find it baffling.

And your comment about "never finding love again" if your son's father died while you were pregnant and you started dating this man when your son was 5 months old then you can't have been single for more than a year. That's a ridiculously dramatic statement for such a short time.

@madnstressed I'm sorry for your loss, that is heart breaking. But I think that would be more reason to wait even longer, given your fragile mental state at the time.

You say But I can't see how in my case it's disturbing for my son
Maybe it's not. Maybe everything is perfect. But if it's not, your unlikely to find out until your son is older and has the ability and courage to speak out. Look at the examples given only in this thread - the mother's all think everything is great.

My kids mum did this. Ultimately, it's the reason why I am now their main carer, and not her - she repeatedly put the kids in harm's way and couldn't see anything wrong with what she was doing.

I'm always surprised that some people think it's a given that their blended family will work and push on regardless. I definitely know cases where it has worked wonderfully and enriched the lives of the kids to have the new step mum/dad and siblings but there are also cases where it just doesn't work - the step family just doesn't bond sufficiently,, there isn't space, someone has to move from a school they love etc. In these cases I would definitely just keep the relationship living separately until the kids are grown up.

Drip feed to try and garner sympathy for her shitty decision.
You are lucky, nothing more. He's such a great guy who treats him as his own but he's only thinking about adoption even though it's been 6 years and birth dad is dead .

Yes I wasn't single for long at all, I never have been able to be. I am aware it could have gone so wrong, could still go wrong but right now it did work. I'm just saddened by the "distressing for children" although I suppose I need to get over it as it wasn't aimed at me.
I know huggybear, he is a primary school teacher however so already had a full disclosure done so yes I do trust him whole heartedly

Yes mookie, we are not currently married so not sure how it works with being unmarried. I don't really know what you're sneering at? If I said he adopted him 4 years ago, I'd be shot down for doing it too soon. There's never a right answer on these types of threads it seems

I’d be incredibly wary of a man who was willing to move in with a vulnerable mother and child so soon.

Hope it truly is all ok for your child madnstressed.

Yes I wasn't single for long at all, I never have been able to be.

This seems to be one of the common denominators amongst the very people we are discussing.

@FissionChips yes and I. Speaks volumes doesn't it

See, what I find fascinating is the misogyny involved in these posts. Why no mention of parents who move quickly into new relationships? My ex husband has had 5 women in 10 years. All these women were longish term (longer than a year) but all were introduced immediately to our children and all had their own children who were immediately introduced to my ex. All 5 women have caused considerable upset and disruption in my children’s lives. Yet if I post anything at all negative about a step mum, I get jumped on and labelled ‘bitter’ because my ex has ‘moved on’ and I, apparently, haven’t. I can’t ‘move on’ because my children need stability and one of their parents couldn’t care less.

And yet, as the single mum, it’s all my fault. Greedy-ex bitch. Maintenance-grabbing cow. Benefit claiming scum. These forums are happy to label me in this way. There are assumptions about my age, my intelligence, my education, my working-status, my upbringing...assumptions about my children being nothing but trouble and strangers feel no qualms about asking if my children have the same father. Threads like these assume, by virtue of being a single parent, that I am unable to keep my children safe and that my lack of morals means I want to sleep with your fat, balding middle-aged husband. That my ex pays no maintenance is my fault because I didn’t have that crystal ball to look 12 years into the future on my wedding day.

So let’s be clear. Some parents make poor choices in relation to their children’s welfare post relationship breakdown. Some of those parents are mum’s, some are dads. If, as a society, we started to be supportive of single parents, if we stopped sweeping domestic violence under the carpet (why did she have 3 children with him if he was beating her?), if we stopped pretending that ‘there must be more to it’ when we hear of brothers/sons/friends/colleagues bragging about their dodging of maintenance, and didn’t keep selling the ‘women must be looked after to be happy and fulfilled’ Hollywood ideal/stuff fairy stories are made of as the only way to live life, then perhaps parents could stand back and relax and take the time to know new partner’s. Until we stop belittling and undermining single parenting as something inherently ‘bad’ and being part of a couple as ‘good’, we might see an improvement.

Sadly, as this thread clearly demonstrates, the ball is placed firmly in the court of the single mum and not seen as society’s problem to solve.

he is a primary school teacher however so already had a full disclosure done

That doesn't really mean anything, though. All DBS checks show are crimes that people have been arrested/found guilty for. If someone's never been caught then all the DBS checks in the world won't make any difference.

I’d be incredibly wary of a man who was willing to move in with a vulnerable mother and child so soon

@FissionChips is spot on. A decent man would recognise the fragility of the situation and not push forward with the relationship so quickly.

He moved in after 2 months, when your son was 5 months old? So you were also only 12 weeks post partum when you began your relationship? Your partner had just been killed?

Primary teacher or not, he doesn't sound great.

Genuinely how is it devastating for the children?
In my case my son was still a baby. Was I suppose to wait until he was old enough to speak to be able to have his consent to moving a man in?

I think it's potentially devastating or at least very disruptive because if you've only known the new partner a year or so the chances of the relationship not working are fairly high which means the child bonds with someone who may leave his life entirely.

In the 80s when my mum left my dad she moved us straight in with the new man - I remember telling my junior school teacher we didn't have beds but we had moved the hamster! In hindsight it probably wasn't ideal but if she hasn't met my step dad she probably would still be in an unhappy relationship with my dad as she would never be single.

My aunt always put her marriage first and yes they are still together but her kids were affected by being second best. She even told them that they would grow up and move out so Dad came first but she now can't understand why my cousin cut her off and complains she doesn't see her grandchildren.