Should he be taking me on better dates?

[Callmedarcy]

Dates in orde

• Drinks
• Dog Walk
• Film at mine, cooked dinner together
• Shopping
• Film at mine, cooked dinner together

My friend said that he should be taking me on better dates where I’m getting dressed up for dinner etc and that he’s only coming over to mine because he’s interested in one thing (we’ve not had sex yet)

I would like this (posh dinner dates) but I’m also very happy with how things are going. I like being with him regardless of what we’re doing.

This is also coming from a friend who’s never been on a date or had a relationship ... so I’m not sure if they’d view is a bit more romantic than realistic

Again, I’m sorry you’ve had such poor experiences.

There is an inbetween to what you're describing though - he can come over, bring a bottle of wine, help cook and wash up after!

Relationships are about a balance of equals - if my DP earns more than me, do I owe him sex? No! Making effort is important BUT how you want that is different for each person. I don't want it in flashy dates or gifts - I want you to talk to me, listen to me when I've had a hard day, offer support, make me laugh etc etc. Each to their own.

Sex isn't, in my view, a commodity.

I'd rather be thought of as a prostitute than a gullible woman being used for sex by a cocklodger
And you see NO middle ground?? They're cooking together, getting to know each other. Isn't that more important than flowers and a suit.
And is OP expected to be dressed up in a posh frock and matching underwear in case he earns access to her genitals??

My husband gets childcare, housework and dinner in return for his contribution to the bills. He's also expected to do all the above. Sex is seperate. We don't do reward blow jobs or sex for diamonds. I don't deliver him sex in return for him taking me to the cinema or putting out the bins. I wouldn't expect sex for bathing DS or cooking dinner.

Don't judge him by the dates he chooses, flashing cash does not show intent. Look at his actions instead, is he always trying to make a move on you? Is he pushing you beyond what you are comfortable doing with him? Does he want to spend time with you in a non-sexual way?
Give it a bit of time and see how it develops. If he is only after one thing then he probably won't introduce you to friends and family or involve you in his life so much and will probably want short dates that always end in you know what.
A partner should be a friend too, if that side is totally missing then you have a problem.
All of my first dates with my partner were cheap ones because we didn't need any of that to entertain us, we provided the entertainment ourselves. We would go walking for hours just so that we could keep talking to each other, we'd stay up all night chatting, cook meals together, any excuse to have time with each other. 2 and a half years on we live together very happily with our dog.

I don't understand your views at all Shepherd.

Lots of people can't afford expensive dates - does that mean they should never get into relationships? What can you learn about someone over a coffee that you can't learn on a dog walk?

I don't need someone to buy me coffee, cake, cocktails or fancy meals to prove he likes me. The most important thing to me in a relationship is that we get on, that he's respectful and makes me laugh. He doesn't need to spend money on me to do any of those things

And I have sex with men because I want to - it has nothing to do with how much money they spend on me! A man could take me on ten dates to Michelin star restaurants but if I didn't like him then it still wouldn't make me want to sleep with him!

Yes women should have expectations of love and respect in their relationship, and SOME people have a lower standard than others. However the issue isn't whether he goes for flashy dates over a dog walk - it's about substance and respect.

I'm really curious how you conflate spending with settling??

Yes I’m sure lots of women are. That doesn’t mean that your experiences are the experiences of everyone. Like I said, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what our first dates were, although I do remember we spent a lot of time talking all night then dragging ourselves into work exhausted the next day as we’d been up so late getting to know each other. Absolutely no cinema (seriously, what could be less romantic?) or expensive meals out. The effort we put into each other was the time getting to know each other.
10 years on, happily married, third baby on its way, travelled together loads, lived in multiple countries together, mutually enjoyable sex life... not sure how any of it could have been improved by some cliched dates at the beginning.

My first date with DH was a picnic - and the food was two £3 meal deals from Tesco Express! Others included going to the beach, swinging on the swings and eating ice-cream, the zoo and going to see waterfalls because I'd always wanted to go to them.

The only pricy date there was the zoo, which I paid for because he was paying for all the fuel to drive us there and back! But we talked for hours and I learnt tons about him, that he was a good, kind man who treated me well.

Loads of flashy expensive dates would probably put me off to be honest. That kind of thing really doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd rather someone was just themselves and didn't feel they had to spend a lot of money on me to win my affections.

I agree shepherds think most men today seem to treat women terrible.
And a lot of women just allow it.
I see how some women bring up their sons treating them like a prince and turning them into entitled twats not really caring what kind of partners they are bringing up these men to be.

I’m not really sure whether I know nicer men than you seem to, or whether I just know women who don’t put up with the sort of crap you’re describing. I do know however that their feelings of self worth (of which they have plenty) aren’t linked to what kind of dates they go on. Self worth goes far deeper than that.

Men will have relationships with anyone available, usually.

Absolute bollocks Shepherdspieisminging. I really pity you if this is your experience of men.

I do know however that their feelings of self worth (of which they have plenty) aren’t linked to what kind of dates they go on. Self worth goes far deeper than that.

Yep, precisely. I don't get my self-worth from a man.

What you’re completely missing though is that the OP said she’s happy with the dates. So while in your opinion they’re not dates, that doesn’t mean she feels the same way.
And how do we know he’s expecting sex any more than she is? Like you said, sex is what happens in relationships. I had an expectation of sex when I met DH too. It was a mutual thing. You’re talking about effort, but the effort could be that they’re spending their evenings chatting and getting to know each other. Just because that’s not in a restaurant, doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile.

Nowhere has the OP said he is treating her badly.

You have decided that he’s inadequate because he’s not doing the sort of things that you would appreciate in a relationship. You have decided the OP has no self worth and the relationship is doomed to failure as he doesn’t do the sort of things you consider ‘making an effort’. The OP has stated that she’s perfectly happy with what they’ve been doing. Of course she could be making that up because she has low self worth and will settle for anything, but there’s no evidence of that from her posts.

Mincepie - I find it hard to believe that you honestly think that same sex relationships are not open to sexual exploitation and abuse.

Oh yes, I will definitely be teaching my daughters to have high standards and high self worth. But as I said above, that goes far far deeper than what dates a man takes them on in the first few weeks of a relationship.
Luckily they have a great role model in their father who dotes on me and them.