Should he be taking me on better dates?

[Callmedarcy]

Dates in orde

• Drinks
• Dog Walk
• Film at mine, cooked dinner together
• Shopping
• Film at mine, cooked dinner together

My friend said that he should be taking me on better dates where I’m getting dressed up for dinner etc and that he’s only coming over to mine because he’s interested in one thing (we’ve not had sex yet)

I would like this (posh dinner dates) but I’m also very happy with how things are going. I like being with him regardless of what we’re doing.

This is also coming from a friend who’s never been on a date or had a relationship ... so I’m not sure if they’d view is a bit more romantic than realistic

Aw you’re getting a hard time!

I think this is contextual. When I was young and free but working full time the dates I went on tended to be comedy club, art exhibition, late dinner after work.

These days if I were dating I have the kids to consider so it’d be more day time dates.

What’s he like op? He sounds sweet.

sounds nice - just ask him for the cash

I wouldn't consider shopping to be much of a date. The rest sound OK, cosy. Vary it a bit and cook at his unless his place is not suitable. I hope he buys the food for yours, at least half the time.

Arrange something that you would like to do.

I don't understand why you are paying any attention to your friend when there isn't a problem.
Stop confusing yourself listening to different opinions and sort it out with your date.

Your friend's fantasy view of dates may be part of why she's single.

As long as you're both happy with the dates then that's what matters.

The first date I went on with my now husband is dinner at his house.. He cooked and we snuggled watched movie chatted and so on.

If you want to do something different just speak to him

DH and I met at uni. Did all sorts together but never fancy meals out, impressive gifts, grand gestures etc because we were both perpetually broke. Our dates were often out and about because our homes weren't that private - mostly they consisted of walks, the beach, going for a drive, watching city lights with coffee, bar snacks for dinner or takeaways, people-watching at the airport or mall. We generally didn't have anything particular planned, just loved hanging out together.

We've now been married more than a decade, have heaps in common, great sex, and all in all rather happy with each other. Having learnt to be creative and content in the smaller dates early on has actually served us really well for continuing to love and date each other through life's ups and downs. I still prefer dates at a driving range or the local cafe or browsing a book shop rather than fancy restaurant - not averse to being taken out but neither do I see why it's somehow the romantic thing that every woman must want. In fact, dinner and a movie - isn't that the definition of predictable?

Anyway OP, if you're happy then never mind the naysayers. If you're not, do something to change it. But in my experience the razzle-dazzle of flashy first dates doesn't guarantee any more long term happiness in a relationship than more low-key dates.

We compiled a list of date ideas with things that we both wanted to do. He would never suggest anything off it though. He was too comfy just coming to mine to be fed, hog the tv, get a shag, hog my bed and snore until I ended up on the sofa. Most of my ideas were cheap and cheerful such as walks in the country with a hot chocolate in a flask. I'm a cheap date and have no interest in expensive restaurants and overpriced food. But I expect equal effort on the date front in terms of organising and coming up with things. In a year we went to a (non expensive) restaurant twice , bowling once, and the infamous golf drive once. He just couldn't be arsed thinking and left it all to me. I got fed up of thinking for him.

OP, only you know the dynamics but be careful that he's not a lazy twit who is far too content to take advantage of you and your home.

If women are expected to provide sex why should they not recieve something in return? Giving away sex for free meams they have no respect for you and see you as having no value

WTAF?! I have only ever had sex with someone because I fancy them, I want to have sex with them and because I enjoy sex. Nothing to do with earning it, I’m not a ‘good’.
Genuinely can’t even remember what DH and I did for ‘dates’ in the early days but it involved a lot of cooking at home and local pubs. 10 years on we’ve lived in 4 different countries together, eaten in many Michelin starred restaurants, travelled, married, had 2 children with a third on the way... and had plenty of great sex thay we both enjoy and that neither of us had to ‘earn’ by taking the other on expensive dates.

@Shepherdspieisminging yes, I realised that by trying not to appear to want to be wined and dined every time, I actually set the bar too low. I grew up with the attitude that whatever I asked for was too much (lift to a mates? No, get the 4 buses for the round trip at age 14/15) so I've always been reluctant to ask or suggest anything that costs anything beyond a few pounds. Generosity confuses the hell out of me and I feel I have to reciprocate. Relationships are not my forte at all. Being on the spectrum doesn't help.

If women are expected to provide sex why should they not recieve something in return?

Jesus, how depressing! When we were dating, I had sex with DH because I wanted to, not because he'd taken me to x number of fancy restaurants first!

Yes, we had sex when we both wanted to have sex. No expectations, nothing transactional about it.

YY to @PerverseConverse post at 13.23 I remember falling over myself to prove i wasnt materialistic or a gold digger to an ex who told me his ex liked fancy stuff.

That fancy stuff turned out to be toilet roll and more than one washing up sponge in the flat he begrudged buying necessities. He was tight and financially abusive (used to time me in the shower) If you set the bar too low it is much easier to become a target for a financially abusive man.

11 years and a baby later...these are what date nights are like with me and DH.

You both should put in more effort. Book a table somewhere posh. Onus is shouldnt always be on him

"If women are expected to provide sex why should they not recieve something in return?"

Women aren't the gatekeepers of sex. You either want sex or you don't. Those of us who meet Men and want to shag them, shouldn't have anyone telling us that we are 'cheap', 'easy' etc and should be holding out for a financial reward. We shouldn't need a Man to take us anywhere. Those days should be gone.

For me, it would be a case of finding out if he'd ever want to go out, or if you wanted to go out with your mates, would he object. Life changes and you want to make sure of compatability.

If I was you and I wanted a relationship. I'd be looking to plan holidays, trips away, but thays because that's what I enjoy and would pick a Partner based on him doing those things with me.

I like the dressing-up-for-a-new-BF, tipsy wine bar flirting etc, thing.

I finished with someone who was happy with what you describe. He has since asked me out properly, but I feel rejected, so that won't be happening.

So I understand the attitude that it's been a bit easy, like a habit you fall into, but one you can break if you decide you want something else.

There seems to be a bit of a derail here.

Their not sleeping together. OP isn't using sex as a form of payment for him taking her on dates.

OP, if you are happy and enjoying the dates and his company, ignore the friend. DH and I "dated" while both pretty poor. Our most memorable early dates were a seaside picnic, and taking a flask of hot chocolate on a starlit walk. These were both months before we actually slept together. 10 years on, he is still the most loving and romantic man I know, and spending quality time together is still the priority.

Well this went down hill fast. How depressing in this day in age to think sex is a chore for some women and thought of as something to be provided to men that they need to earn. I can't actually believe I'm reading it.

Women can want sex as much as men. Sometimes more. It is not a chore or something to be provided in a healthy situation where both parties wish to have sex.

It's really sad shephard that you think it is both a chore and something to be provided in return for something.

@Shepherdspieisminging

The 1950s would like you back.

I do know my worth. My DH is everything you say you should look for in a man. He respects me, my life, my hobbies, cares for me, talks to me, listens to me... none of that has anything to do with what we did on our first dates. Do you know what we did for the first few weeks? Talked. And talked some more. And got to know each other. And that meant a hell of a lot more than restaurants and theatres. He had no expectation of sex, and we had sex when we both decided we were ready to, and wanted to. As it should be.

Funnily enough shepherdspieisminging, I'm able to make sure I'm valued and respected in a relationship without needing to be bought by a man. Respect is shown in far more meaningful ways than just by what a bloke spends wining and dining you. Any rich creepy fucker can do that - I prefer the ones that value me as a person and thus spend time with me in ways we both enjoy.