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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he be taking me on better dates?

219 replies

Callmedarcy · 19/12/2018 20:03

Dates in orde

  • Drinks
  • Dog Walk
  • Film at mine, cooked dinner together
  • Shopping
  • Film at mine, cooked dinner together

My friend said that he should be taking me on better dates where I’m getting dressed up for dinner etc and that he’s only coming over to mine because he’s interested in one thing (we’ve not had sex yet)

I would like this (posh dinner dates) but I’m also very happy with how things are going. I like being with him regardless of what we’re doing.

This is also coming from a friend who’s never been on a date or had a relationship ... so I’m not sure if they’d view is a bit more romantic than realistic

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 19/12/2018 21:35

Test this out. Invite him out to dinner somewhere and see what they say

Snowballs4ever · 19/12/2018 21:36

I think it depends on the sort of lives you lead and your stages in life.

If he's divorced then he's likely to be taking it slowly ime, a lot of divorced men I've known or dated are cautious about jumping in with grand gestures or elaborate dates until they get to know you better.

Equally if money is tight then doing cheap dates is a good option. I'm a single parent and dating and I'd be happy with your dates. You are the best judge of whether he's making an effort to get to know you, turning up on time etc

MsRinky · 19/12/2018 21:36

My first date with my husband we hitchhiked from Glasgow to Brighton. Knew then I would marry him, and here we are 27 years later. I always think that dates where you actually focus on getting to know each other rather than being (pleasantly) distracted by an activity are the way to go.

One of my favourite songs is called Cinema vs House and starts "we could go to the cinema, but that's two hours without speaking".

Applepudding2018 · 19/12/2018 21:37

Surely it depends on what you enjoy doing? I'm many years since dating but the idea of some one having to impress me sounds so false.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 19/12/2018 21:39

@Callmedarcy sounds lovely to me! Because of work, DC, etc., we both say 'we don't do dates, we just hang out together' Either having a coffee, or a bit of an aimless wander. The only time we ever went out for a meal was for lunch about six months in and both of us said afterwards 'that was a bit like going on a date. It was WEIRD.' Grin

He impressed me with his personality, his sense of humour, his thoughtfulness in taking me to places he thought I'd be interested in. And that meant we could just be ourselves and talk to each other. It's worked, because it's five years later, and I'm so glad we had that easy rapport from the beginning - because we were just able to be ourselves.

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 19/12/2018 21:40

But then you get to know each other in posh restaurants etc - it's not a lifestyle! Sounds really lovely what your doing to be fair probably similar to what dh and I did. Don't judge somebody on being able to wine and dine you

Miggeldy · 19/12/2018 21:42

I agree with your friend.
I certainly wouldn't be happy with cooking him dinner and I don't think that is a proper date at all.
I do feel that some men try to use that scenario as a quick way into bed, without having to invest too much time and money.
But that's just me.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/12/2018 21:42

If you're 6 dates in, he should be in the 'impressing you' stage.

Yeah, he needs to buy you pretty things and order food for you too.

What's life going to be like once he's got his feet under the table and you're 10yrs down the line?

This. Everyone knows that if you let him treat you as an equal and you just spend time getting to know each other it's a recipe for disaster. Find a nice flashy bloke. An real gentleman who'll pull out your chair and tell you how to vote. None of this 'like being with him regardless of what we’re doing' nonsense.

sar302 · 19/12/2018 21:43

Perhaps he doesn't have the money for posh dinners out. Those are are all lovely, but cheap date ideas.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 21:44

Is your mate 95 years old?

Where as I agree the two of you haven't went on dates, no going out for dinner, drinks etc, so I'm guessing he's skint or you are, but he doesn't need to take you out or suggest it, you can and women can want sex just as much s men.

Very odd. Next your mate will be saying he should pay.

BlueJava · 19/12/2018 21:46

I don't think your friend knows what she is talking about - what counts is that you both enjoy whatever is planned.

Mrstwiddle · 19/12/2018 21:46

Is he short on money perhaps, or maybe just a bit tight? I agree that in the early days this is usually when a guy will push the boat out a bit more, the dates you describe usually come later.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 19/12/2018 21:48

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it really but I wouldn’t class walking a dog and going shopping as a date.

I’m not saying he or you has to spend loads of money on meals etc either as cooking together and watching a film sounds nice

Verbena87 · 19/12/2018 21:49

Before we moved in together we never went on ‘dinner out’ type dates because what we wanted was to be close to each other, talk up a storm, cuddle on the sofa, wander around in our pants drinking gin and eating cake. None of which go down that well in restaurants.

Then when we got to a point where we lived in the same flat and could do the cosy domestic togetherness stuff all the time, we started going out on dates for a change.

And now we’re married with a toddler, we make time to sit down together with coffee and cake after work and catch up.

Definitely go by ‘am I happy? Is he? Great’ and don’t worry about your friend.

CrazyOldBagLady · 19/12/2018 21:52

I don't think there is anything wrong with the dates you have had together but if it's very new it might be interesting to see how the two of you get on in less domestic scenarios. I would probably want to see how he is on his own turf and what his home is like. A nice meal out is a standard one, you can check out his table manners or find out if he is rude to the staff or gets horribly drunk before the mains arrive. If you are getting on well maybe you could suggest an overnight stay in another city so you can see if you can have fun together out and about in new places.

Hidillyho · 19/12/2018 21:54

If you are happy with the dates you have then don’t get sucked into the drama. Don’t allow your friend to put your (potential) relationship down.
If you want to go for a posh meal then take him there. If you want to stay in and cook together then invite him round

F1ame · 19/12/2018 21:54

Well would it bother you if your friend hadn’t commented OP? Personally, most men would have taken you on a proper date, yes - definitely by now. I’m not saying it has to be “posh,” but, as a PP said, this is the impressing stage and if he’s not making the effort now he probably never will. It will be one of those lounging around relationships.

starfishmummy · 19/12/2018 21:58

He has a demanding job 6 days a week. Dates consist of spending time at the Ops home...

Sounds like he has a wife/partner/long term girlfriend or boyfriend tucked away somewhere. BTDT

Benjaminbuttonschild · 19/12/2018 22:09

But friend is saying he's only after one thing and should be taking me out on romantic dates

I'm sorry but that is some twisted logic. Almost as if your friend thinks that domestic dates = not worth shagging, romantic dates = shag his brains out.

Sounds almost like the 'type' of date is used as bartering tool for sex if I follow your friends logic 🤷‍♀️

If you're happy with the way things are going, ignore your friends weird advice.

BackforGood · 19/12/2018 22:19

All of these events OP has done so far facilitate actually getting to know each other and enjoy her company. How on earth is that less romantic than sharing some overpriced popcorn in silence?

This ^

I'm not sure what your friend is on about tbh.
I'm also confused as to why - if you think a 'posh restaurant' is necessary, that you haven't arranged that yourself.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2018 22:20

Each to their own, and I’m sure you have fun doing all kinds of stuff you enjoy but my mind is genuinely blown - I do all of these at least once a week!

So at least once a week you eat out at a restaurant, go for cocktails, see a theatre performance and go dancing.

And your mind is 'genuinely' blown that...

A.) Not everyone can afford to live like that

B.) Not everyone wants to

Blimey, it doesn't take much to blow your mind at all, does it? Confused

Purpleartichoke · 19/12/2018 22:23

DH and I dated with takeaways and binge watching tv shows. I wouldn’t trade those nights for anything. They were magical because it was the two of us together and we were both doing something we enjoyed.

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/12/2018 22:25

Sounds fine to me.

Loopytiles · 19/12/2018 22:36

So you’re dating a workaholic, or someone in a role requiring very, very long hours?

That wouldn’t work for me. I once worked hours like that and was unable to sustain any relationships, or my health.

Verbena87 · 19/12/2018 22:41

It will be one of those lounging around relationships.

During our ‘lounging around’ relationship starting with these kind of dates we have...

Moved cities twice

Retrained for new careers

Been travelling through the Himalayas on our own together and watched the sun rise over Everest.

Left cities behind and bought a 200 year old cottage with a view across the fields so we can drink tea in bed whilst watching lambs hop about in the spring.

Supported each other through really tough times.

Run festivals.

Run actual running races.

Survived the lunacy of IVF.

Had a baby.

I think we’re doing ok. I like lounging about.