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Original poster

Wife no libido

182 replies

B1ug1f · 19/12/2018 11:39

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/12/2018 11:46

I haven’t had sex with my husband for almost two years now due to complications during pregnancy, post birth issues and now other health issues that have arisen.

He has been fantastic and never once made me feel bad.

I’m pretty sure he masturbates regularly.

He has never asked me for oral sex or to pleasure him so he is ‘relieved’ and I would be very upset if he did. I would feel like he wanted to simply use me if he suggested that.

That’s just me though and I’m sure many women would be happy to pleasure their partners in such circumstances.

What does your wife say/do when you ask her?

Thankfully the end is in sight for my health issues coming to an end and I can’t wait to get our sex life back on track. I’m just very, very grateful that my DH has been understanding and is happy to relieve himself rather than expect a ‘service’ off me.

Huskylover1 · 19/12/2018 11:46

So, she expects you to go without sex forever? Nah. That's ridiculous. She needs to see the GP. Explore HRT maybe? It's not sustainable for her to bury her head in the sand.

How old are you both?

ADastardlyThing · 19/12/2018 11:54

The menopause is quite misunderstood, it takes a huge toll on a woman mentally and physically. But she shouldn't have to take hormones if she doesn't want too.

Op you just need to decide if you can be in this situation or not.

OTOH if you have a constant urge that means you pester her to service your penis all the time that doesn't sound normal. Gp?

PixieCutRegret · 19/12/2018 12:00

Have you offered to give her just oral? Maybe talk with her about non PIV types of sex with her for both of you without the expectation of it leading to full sex.

ghostyslovesheets · 19/12/2018 12:03

Oh just have a wank ffs

SylviaAndSydney · 19/12/2018 12:04

Weird influx of sex threads this morning 🤔

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/12/2018 12:05

ghostys Grin

Quite.

Mrskeats · 19/12/2018 12:06

That’s delightful ghost
How is that the same thing at all? I’m in my fifties and would not contemplate staying in a sexless marriage.

SeaSandLandSky · 19/12/2018 12:11

My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it.

Going through the menopause isn't just about being 'dry below', It can affect a woman mentally, emotionally, physically. It can take years to deal with all this, and the last thing your wife needs is to be pressured. Understanding what she is going through needs time and communication between you both.

I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive

Yes. This is all about you and your needs. Touching you might be the last thing she wants to do. She may be feeling she has 'lost' her womanhood, her sense of who/what she is, her sense of purpose.

Menopause is horrendous in many , many ways. So yes, if you are pestrering her in the slightest, you are being bloody insensitive.

.my only relief is masterbation. Poor you. Crack on then.

Bluebonnieblue · 19/12/2018 12:15

Asking for oral when he has no interest in sex is a bit off. I'd be pissed off about that. It makes it sound like she's got a job to do or something. Add it to the list of chores: hoovering, walking the dogs, giving oral...

silkpyjamasallday · 19/12/2018 12:16

Pestering her and asking her to 'relieve' you is going to be putting her off sex further. Nagging and wheedling for sex when she is experiencing menopause and all the physical and mental challenges that brings is making it a chore, and makes her think you feel entitled to use her body for your own pleasure with no regard for her. Neither are turn ons.

Take the pressure off her, stop asking and just wank for a bit ffs. Then maybe once the pressure is gone she will feel up for it, and if not she could go to the GP to help.

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/12/2018 12:32

I never really understand this. I get the sexual frustration part, my dp has a much lower libido than me.

But the whole 'needing her to relieve me' thing... You don't need her for that, you can just have a wank, does the same job.

The intimacy thing is different. However in your case, OP, that doesn't seem part of it, since you regularly want to pester her for a blowie Hmm. Don't be a sex pest. It's really not attractive.

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/12/2018 12:33

Also, don't underestimate the effect of menopause. It really does make you feel like utter shit in so many ways.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/12/2018 12:39

If you expect every kiss and cuddle to be a precursor to a BJ or hand job then I'd fully expect her to avoid any intimacy if she possibly can.
The menopause has obviously tanked her libido. SHe has no sexual desire. In time it might come back but it's entirely possible it might not. If you turn into a sex pest, guilt trip her and respond to every kiss and cuddle by thrusting an erection in her face then you're just going to destroy your relationship.

VickyEadie · 19/12/2018 12:41

Menopause has destroyed my libido. As a friend said to me recently of her own "I don't care if I never have sex again."

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 19/12/2018 12:49

Aww i feel a bit sorry for him, not like hes asking if it would be unreasonable to go stick it in someone else. He could try being a bit less sleazy about it though. Im yet to meet a guy who doesnt realise constant asking/whingeing for oral or 'relief' is not always going to come across well.
If the wife is not able or willing then he needs to make peace with the fact that its just him and his hand lol or maybe she will give him a divorce or possibly she may let him go elsewhere...sorry but why should both be expected to 'be happy' in a sexless relationship? Its not fair and I can gaurantee nobody would advise a younger couple to do that.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/12/2018 13:10

sorry but why should both be expected to 'be happy' in a sexless relationship? Its not fair and I can gaurantee nobody would advise a younger couple to do that.

But they're not a younger couple, are they? The thing with sexless marriages is there are no black and white answers.
I think the menopause is a special case. It's not the same as a someone going off sex because they no longer fancy their partner or have fallen out of love. It is also something that affects most/many couples at some point and usually in the later stages of life.

My wife has bee through the menopause and her libido took a serious hit. She also had to have surgery for a prolapse and that combined with the physical aspects of menopause mean that we'll probably never have penetrative sex again. It's not an ideal situation for me but It's not her fault and I'm sure as hell not going to end our relationship over it. As it stands, we still have lots of intimacy - kisses and cuddles, fooling around, massages. Sometimes she'll get a bit of an urge and it will lead on to something more but I have no expectations and put no pressure on her.

I would love to have regular sex again, but only with her. If she doesn't have any desire for reasons outwith her control then so be it. I have no idea how I would look at myself in the mirror, how I would explain myself to my kids and grandkids, If I threw our amazing relationship in the bin just because my dick wasn't getting squeezed as often as I'd like.

Huskylover1 · 19/12/2018 13:15

Good grief, Man wants sex with Wife, what a sex pest. Hmm

Sex 3 times in a year is a joke, and quite frankly I'd be off. And I am a 49 year old female.

How on earth is sorting yourself out, even comparable to a good sex session with your Partner?? It's not the same at all. It's a very poor second, imo.

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/12/2018 13:15

What a lovely post TooTrue Flowers

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 19/12/2018 13:16

Pestering her to relieve you is really really unattractive. Trust me, I had an ex boyfriend (note ex) who used to do this. As if his balls would explode if I didn’t help him out every morning. Poor thing. It’s fucking annoying and made me resent him. Your wife is not a sex there to service you. She probably thinks every time you go to hug her it will lead to sex. Back off.

Why is it all about you and your needs and feelings?

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/12/2018 13:17

Sex 3 times in a year is a joke, and quite frankly I'd be off.

This would your reaction if your partner didn’t want or couldn’t have sex for medical reasons?!

Wow. I think it’s fair to say that this hypothetical partner would be far better off without you.

Huskylover1 · 19/12/2018 13:18

If she doesn't have any desire for reasons outwith her control then so be it

Your sex drive sounds very low, if this is your reaction to no sex. That's fine. But for others with a healthy sex drive, this really could be a deal breaker. And I have no idea how kisses and cuddles, with nothing more, can even compete with having sex. In fact it would frustrate the hell out of me.

Huskylover1 · 19/12/2018 13:21

This would your reaction if your partner didn’t want or couldn’t have sex for medical reasons?!

I have no idea how I would cope in that scenario. Not being horrible, just honest. I wouldn't want to end my relationship, however, I could not be celibate and be happy.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 19/12/2018 13:24

She should probably go to the GP, but not because you’re desperately wanting sex. For herself.

weebarra · 19/12/2018 13:25

I'm in your wife's position. I have awful vaginal atrophy and sex is hugely painful. I went through the menopause at 36 and can't have HRT because I've had breast cancer. My husband is the love of my life but I still feel dreadful that I can't give him a fulfilling sex life.
I don't have any advice but I feel very sad for both of you.

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