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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife no libido

182 replies

B1ug1f · 19/12/2018 11:39

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

OP posts:
juneau · 20/12/2018 14:24

How unlucky for her to have had such an early menopause - I'm sure that must be hard for her mentally, as well as physically. I would definitely urge her to go and see the GP as there are other issues arising from menopause, apart from vaginal dryness, including things like osteoporosis (brittle bones), which she will need to find a solution to. If her GP is little help (many are - in fact a depressing number seem to be totally ignorant about menopause and what can/does help), then I would urge her to find someone who is an expert in the various different treatments and supplements that are available. She may need to go privately to get the best advice and help, so if that's financially viable OP I would encourage her to seek out the best help and advice possible.

BlueJay1 · 20/12/2018 14:52

I think this is a pretend thread.
Don't believe this is a real query at all. No older gents talk this way.

If it is real. Stop being so bloody selfish and support your wife in her time of need. The menopause is a lot for a woman to deal with, emotionally and physically.

ADastardlyThing · 20/12/2018 15:04

I hope it's "one of those" threads too blue otherwise I feel extremely sorry for this lady. Having to deal with the royal fuckover that is the menopause as well as this. Urgh.

Huskylover1 · 20/12/2018 20:54

Would the Op be a better person if he didn't want sex and closeness with his wife?

I seriously have no clue, why this poor man is being flamed.

Original poster
B1ug1f · 05/01/2019 11:01

My wife has been to the doctors and been prescribed hrt pads. She is also using cream to help with itching and dryness. I feel so sorry for her as it upsets her she scratches it cause it irritates her and ends up making it worse.

Bluejay1
My wife is 11 years older than me and started in late 30s with menopause.
I came on here for advice and a help to understand my wife a bit more. To those that think i am making this up dont bother replying then. Some good points have been made but some have bèen off the mark.
Trying to understand a womens perspective is what i am after. I know she is suffering but me wanting hugs and affection is not a crime

OP posts:
Original poster
B1ug1f · 05/01/2019 11:02

And this site is not a literary competition.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 05/01/2019 22:20

Interesting you mention itching, it's the genital itching that gas driven me nuts!!! Can I just say that the menopause has made it that whilst I don't mind 'giving' I'm not keen on receiving, really don't like being touched much, no idea why, I think OP it can be quite a 'headfuck' and whilst it's frustrating if you still have a healthy sex drive , making it the relationship focus could end your relationship, if you value the relationship I think you are going to have to cool it and see how it goes

JennyFisher12 · 05/01/2019 22:21

Tingle lube is quite good

TedAndLola · 05/01/2019 22:24

Could you really enjoy being "pleasured" by someone who doesn't have any interest in doing it?

If so, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Hoopaloop · 05/01/2019 22:26

Yeah probably best to abandon your sex life and not try to do anything about it.

Original poster
B1ug1f · 07/01/2019 16:13

Sorry for my manish ignorance on this subject. Does post menapause put you off sex. Does it put you off wanting any form of contact. Holding hands and the odd kiss is all i get. I have been slated for wanting any sexual contact with my wife. From my prospective i am suffering too.....

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 07/01/2019 16:24

It's if the contact always ended up in expectation of sex.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 16:27

I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have
Are you a dog? Hmm

SynchroSwimmer · 07/01/2019 16:34

There’s a very good similar and helpful thread on The Guardian online this week...under lifestyle/sex & relationships.

Icouldbehappy · 07/01/2019 16:41

OP I think you’re getting a hard time here. If it were the other way round and a woman in a sexless marriage, it would be a different story! And I’m a 50 year old woman who drives my husband mad with my hot flushes!
I’m aware that I’m extremely lucky that hot flushes are my only symptom. I’m also constantly horny and I’d say it’s me who instigates things most of the time.
I’ve been through dry spells here of no sex and found it very frustrating. My husband would turn me down. And I was offering to give! Nothing else.
I’m not sure what the answer is for you both, can your wife join a menopause support group on Facebook? I know that lots of ladies discuss these problems quite candidly. PM me for more info on one.

Sethis · 07/01/2019 16:43

The guy is actively trying to get the help of other women. That's more than 99% of most men will ever do.

Give him a fucking break.

When you begin a relationship with someone, you expect sex to be a regular feature. That's not rocket science.

If sex is not a regular feature, then it isn't the same relationship any more.

If it's not the same relationship as it was before, everyone (man or woman) has a right to work out how to fix it, or to end the relationship amicably.

To everyone saying "I wouldn't give handjobs or oral" then I can only imagine you don't give a shit about your partner, or making them feel good. If I wasn't able or willing to have PIV with my OH because of a problem I had with my body then I'd damn well make sure she felt comfortable masturbating while I held her, or I would use a vibrator on her, or my hands or oral or whatever else she fancied - because I care about her wants and her needs and I want to provide for them as best as I can. If I said "Sorry hun, I'm not touching you ever again" then I wouldn't be at all surprised if she said "Okay, bye then" because otherwise you're basically living with a friend, and not a lover. That's not what she wants or needs, and I'd let her go if she wanted to.

The menopause sucks, yes it does. However in this case it's a decade early and not anything he could have anticipated or expected. Not only is sex off the cards, but so is even a kiss or cuddling. How long is he expected to maintain that? If I was faced with the rest of my life with no physical affection at all, then I'd be right out of there too because I'd be fundamentally unhappy the entire time. She deserves someone who is genuinely happy with no intimacy, and he deserves to find someone who wants to touch him. It's nobody's fault, it's just a case of "Shit happens" and there's no reason for both people to be miserable if there are other options for both of them.

I'd keep going with whatever remedies and solutions you haven't tried yet, avoid harassing her, reassure her that kissing or hugging won't lead to anything more, and masturbate as much as you need to. Eventually either it'll get better or you'll get so frustrated that you'll end it. Only you can know how long that'll be.

Greensleeves · 07/01/2019 16:47

If she feels that sex is all you are interested in, then she won't want any physical affection or intimacy with you at all, because she doesn't want sex. You need to have a word with yourself, then let her know that sex is off the table until she decides she wants to initiate it - no pestering, no caressing/kissing in the hope that it will "lead to something" - she needs to know that affection from you can be just that, affection. If she has no sex drive at the moment - which is very understandableand not something she can switch on at will - then she will be massively wary of touching you at all, knowing that what you really want is something she doesn't want to give at the moment.

If you decide that you can't be in the relationship any more because no sex is a dealbreaker for you, then that's your prerogative and you can leave. But if you stay, then you need to take the pressure off her. The intimacy won't come back until you do, and mean it. Sort yourself out!

Palaver1 · 07/01/2019 16:47

To true i love you
Any one with this issue should get HRT go to the doc
It affects lots of things not only libido
After i got into HRT was able to focus on whats right for the family and im in the process of getting a divorce. It was a cloud lifting

EthelHornsby · 07/01/2019 16:59

The trouble is that she may want kisses and cuddles but is avoiding them because she thinks you’ll want to follow through every time. Do you offer ‘free’ cuddles or is there always unspoken pressure. I imagine she’s feeling utterly miserable

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 17:02

To everyone saying "I wouldn't give handjobs or oral" then I can only imagine you don't give a shit about your partner, or making them feel good. If I wasn't able or willing to have PIV with my OH because of a problem I had with my body then I'd damn well make sure she felt comfortable masturbating while I held her, or I would use a vibrator on her, or my hands or oral or whatever else she fancied - because I care about her wants and her needs and I want to provide for them as best as I can. If I said "Sorry hun, I'm not touching you ever again" then I wouldn't be at all surprised if she said "Okay, bye then" because otherwise you're basically living with a friend, and not a lover. That's not what she wants or needs, and I'd let her go if she wanted to
Ugh.
Loving someone doesnt mean you need to act as a prostitute.
HTH

PoutySprout · 07/01/2019 17:10

Any one with this issue should get HRT

HRT isn’t suitable for everyone.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 17:22

Increase cancer risk, just to satisfy your man's sexual urges
Ya know, cos the poor lambs can't do that themselves

CharlyAngelic · 07/01/2019 17:32

HRT is not for everyone but a lot of ladies think it is higher risk than it actually is . There was a very good programme on the television recently with Mariella Frostrup.
There is also a good menopause section on the heaLth section . Perhaps your wife would be interested in reading some of the post son that.

Thewifipasswordis · 07/01/2019 17:35

They should prescribe HRT as routine again. My Nan only declined in her 90s when they did a review of her meds and took her off it at 91. Prior to that you wouldn't have even said she was 75.

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