Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife no libido

182 replies

B1ug1f · 19/12/2018 11:39

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 07/01/2019 17:44

This post has made me feel gutted.

I have vaginal atrophy. I cannot tolerate HRT or Estrogen cream. They give me thrush. Then l can’t get rid of it.

I’ve tried vaginal moisturisers, but they do t have much impact. So whilst l feel shit about my sex life with dh, l feel even more shot reading some of the comments on here.

Not everyone can tolerate HRT in any format. If the pill gives you thrush, then in all likelihood so will HRT

I’m waiting to see a menopause specialist. But my eh hounding me would make me feel even worse

Oakenbeach · 07/01/2019 17:48

Give him a fucking break

Totally... i can guarantee that if the roles were reversed, the postings would be significantly more sympathetic.

Just because he doesn’t pretend he isn’t frustrated doesn’t make his attitude ‘me, me, me’ any more than her not having sex more frequently make her ‘me, me, me’.

Som blatant misandry here.

Oakenbeach · 07/01/2019 17:55

And also, if your relationship is otherwise healthy and loving, I don’t see the problem in the one who has low libido pleasuring the other from time to time. Why is that a problem?

Sethis · 07/01/2019 18:01

This just in from @70sbaubles

Putting the wants of your partner ahead of your own = Prostitution

You heard it here first.

Here was me thinking that relationships were fundamentally based on compromise and the willingness to reciprocally put your partner ahead of yourself from time to time. Turns out I've been a hooker all along. Damn shame.

larrygrylls · 07/01/2019 18:20

I never get why pleasuring a partner sexually when you are not in the mood is so harshly condemned by many.

If your OH said ‘fancy a cup of tea’ And you said ‘no thanks but I am happy to make you one’, this seems civilised and pleasant.

Why does the same logic not apply to sexual pleasure?

Greensleeves · 07/01/2019 18:26

I agree with Sethis as far as that being how things would ideally play out in a happy, healthy, communicative relationship where one partner was off sex for some reason and the other was understanding about it.

It's not happening with this couple though, is it? She's withdrawing and doesn't want his touch at all at the moment.

Which is why I think there may be resentment and bad feeling on both sides, and they may have entered that toxic cycle where she doesn't want him anywhere near her, because all touch from him feels like pestering, and she can't cuddle him without feeling like he's panting like a dog hoping it will lead to "more". They both want to feel loved. Neither does.

So my advice is to TALK to one another about it and take sexual intercourse off the table, pressure out of the equation, to try and rediscover loving touch and physical affection without all the subtext and resentment. If she won't do that, then the marriage is in serious trouble imo. The intimacy, trust and emotional closeness need to be restored before she will want to think about meeting his sexual needs in other ways. In her postition I'd be withdrawing too.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 18:26

Because sex is another form of labour which men feel thry have rights to for free.
Providing a service when you have no enjoyment from it is similar to the experience of a hooker, only a hooker gets the benefit of being paid.

loveskaka · 07/01/2019 18:55

I think you sound like it very much in love with ur wife and understanding, the fact that u dnt want to just wank and get off is lovely, u actually want that love and closeness to 'beautiful wife' I think people that are making u out to be a git are just selfish, they expect u to go with something u enjoy to old some one else?! That's stupid. Ur not pestering ur wife like u said, it sounds like ur actually trying to help her and u genuinely feel for her situation. Just keep being gentle, loving and understanding and she will feel better soon enough. Smile

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 19:09

“If your OH said ‘fancy a cup of tea’ And you said ‘no thanks but I am happy to make you one’, this seems civilised and pleasant.

Why does the same logic not apply to sexual pleasure?“

I think it does in societies which are less repressed and hung up about sex than the UK.

I really wish people would grow up and calm down a bit about sex. It’s an entirely normal interest for adults.

Oblomov18 · 07/01/2019 19:25

Does she want any sexual/loving attention at all? Kissing, snogging, touching each other - rubbing her chest, oral sex for her and you? Depends what the state of your loving relationship/ your relationship generally is.

TenForward82 · 07/01/2019 19:27

In your opening post you wanted a blowie, now you want hugs and cuddles. Hmm.

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 19:28

“In your opening post you wanted a blowie, now you want hugs and cuddles. Hmm.“

Because blowies are bad huh.

TenForward82 · 07/01/2019 19:32

Of course they're not bad. But OP (if genuine) is saying they want relief from sexual arousal, not intimacy, until some posters start suggesting it may be intimacy he wants. I'm just skeptical. That and the "the cream falls out" line.

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 19:41

Sometimes people want intimacy and sex. Sometimes they want intimacy. Sometimes they want sex.

What’s wrong with that?

It is utterly wrong and highly counter productive to ever put anyone under any pressure or coercion but at the same time people do all sorts of favours for each other at various times.

I think that our culture is quite repressed generally.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 19:48

Do tell what countries are so progressive Hercules?
Probably those where a second wife is the norm, and women are scared to travel alone.

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 19:49

I was thinking more of continental Europe.

Oakenbeach · 07/01/2019 19:53

Because sex is another form of labour which men feel thry have rights to for free. Providing a service when you have no enjoyment from it is similar to the experience of a hooker, only a hooker gets the benefit of being paid.

Hmm I was referring to a healthy and loving relationship. If you feel that way about the man you’re with, your relationship is neither. In fact, it’s an incredibly negative perception you have of all men, and I’m sorry that your experiences have given you that disdain for them.

There’s a massive difference between casually letting your partner know you’re in the mood - and not pressuring if they’re not interested- and pestering and pleading for some action whilst rubbing yourself up and down on them.

And it’s certainly not a male only thing. We both pleasure each other at times in our relationship when we’re not especially in the mood ourselves. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it through gritted teeth (and is hope not if you’re giving a blowjob Grin) but you can still have pleasure from doing something nice for your partner, even if that pleasure isn’t sexual.

TenForward82 · 07/01/2019 19:57

Oh bore off, @hercules. No woman should have to perform a sexual service to their partner if they don't feel like having any kind of physical intimacy. It can be very traumatic, especially if it's happening regularly.

70sbaubles · 07/01/2019 20:00

I wouldnt want pleasure from someone who wasnt in the mood, ever. Certainly not as a favour.
Giving a blow job is not comparable with a cuppa. Any man happy to have one knowing I didmt want to gove it isnt someone who should be in a relationship imo same with women.
Sex is not a need like hunger and thirst. It doesnt need satiating as a matter of survival and its about time that women stopped excusing men acting like wounded animals the minute they arent getting their end away regularly.

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 20:03

“Oh bore off, @hercules. No woman should have to perform a sexual service to their partner if they don't feel like having any kind of physical intimacy. It can be very traumatic, especially if it's happening regularly.”

Obviously not. That would be horrific.

StreetwiseHercules · 07/01/2019 20:03

“I wouldnt want pleasure from someone who wasnt in the mood, ever.”

Me neither.

Oakenbeach · 07/01/2019 20:15

I wouldnt want pleasure from someone who wasnt in the mood, ever.

There’s a difference between not being in the mood for intimacy and being horny.

Sometimes I don’t want any kind of intimacy with my DP, and vice versa... and that’s fine, we don’t pressurise each other.

Sometimes I’m not up for sex, but will happily give pleasure, even though I’m not really up for receiving in return. I may not be ‘in the mood’ but I’m in the mood of that makes sense.

Sometimes we’re both ‘in the mood’ Smile

Oakenbeach · 07/01/2019 20:17

if that makes sense

Deadringer · 07/01/2019 20:23

Tea you say? Hmmmm.
Person A. Why don't we have tea.
Person B. No thanks.
A. But, we haven't had tea for a while.
B. Don't fancy it.
A. But we used to have tea a lot. You usually like it.
B. I don't really like it any more.
A. But, I love tea, i really want some.
B. You have some by yourself, I don't want any.
A. It's not the same by myself, I really want to have tea with you.
B. Look I hate tea now, sorry I just can't face it, to be honest I don't know if i will ever want tea again. Have it without me.
A. Well will you have tea anyway, you love me and you used to have it with me, I still want it, what about me. I want tea!!!

Isn't sex supposed to be two people having fun together, if it's not enjoyable for one of them, what is actually the point. Hate this idea of one person servicing the other.

Craft1905 · 07/01/2019 20:25

No woman should have to perform a sexual service to their partner if they don't feel like having any kind of physical intimacy.

Agreed, but it's perfectly acceptable for them to want to. It's OK for a woman to want to pleasure the man she loves, and visa versa, even though they don't want intimacy themselves.

It's also OK to cook your loved one a meal even though you aren't going to eat yourself. Or to drive to the 24 hour petrol station to buy your partner Malteasers even though you don't want any yourself at 2am!!

Couples can do whatever they want to make their relationship work and everyone else on their high horse can fuck off with their judgements.