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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wife no libido

182 replies

B1ug1f · 19/12/2018 11:39

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

OP posts:
tinselduck · 19/12/2018 13:28

This doesn't ring true. I don't know any man who has a wife old enough to go through the menopause, who talks like that.

madmum5811 · 19/12/2018 13:32

Shoe on other foot here OH became impotent in his fifties I being 7 years younger found it awfully hard. I suggested pills, consultant, he was not interested. It is awful, I cried, became depressed, felt unloved. There was nothing to be done, I am now at peace with it many years down the line. I grieved knowing my love life had come to an end.
OP you can either come to terms with it or move on.

Londontower · 19/12/2018 13:46

If I were your wife, I’d be keen to seek help/ consider other forms of sexual intimacy. The reality is, whether people like it or not, for most people sex is an essential part of life and it’s unkind to not want to try just because it isn’t essential to you. And some people will seek sex elsewhere if they aren’t getting any sex from their spouse and I personally cannot be judgemental about that. Sex can be completely wonderful and most of us wouldn’t be happy to give that up without a fight Blush

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/12/2018 13:50

Your sex drive sounds very low, if this is your reaction to no sex.

It's not actually, far from it. On the other hand, your empathy, emotional intelligence and basic common sense is evidently seriously lacking. I gave a lot of insight into how my mind works. If you lack the capacity to make sense of that then that is your failing, not mine.

ADastardlyThing · 19/12/2018 14:10

Tootrue totally agree with your great posts on this thread, your missus is a lucky woman (but it's sad I say lucky, it should be the norm)

Some of the other posts on this thread are depressing.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/12/2018 14:21

Tootrue totally agree with your great posts on this thread, your missus is a lucky woman (but it's sad I say lucky, it should be the norm)

Thank you. Obviously I miss full sex very much but it is just basic logic for me. What the hell am I meant to do? Coerce her, pressurise or guilt trip her? That's tantamount to rape in my book and she feels bad enough about the situation herself without me making it worse. I won't cheat because that would break her heart and I won't leave her over something she has no control over.

I once read that the secret to life is making the most of what you do have rather than coveting things you don't - that's all I'm doing. I'm also treating her with the love, compassion and respect she would show me if the roles were reversed.

I tell you something else, for the benefit of the person or two that has derided me. I'll wager my wife and I have a hell of a lot more fun in bed working within our limitations than a lot of people without such limitations enjoy.

bumblenbean · 19/12/2018 14:29

I would love to have regular sex again, but only with her

Smile I love this

bumblenbean · 19/12/2018 14:30

To clarify, I love the sentiment, not the fact you’re frustrated! Blush

BackBoiler · 19/12/2018 14:36

@tinselduck I am going through the menopause and I am 34.

AdamNichol · 19/12/2018 14:46

i get no effection at all from her

Is it that that is the real problem? You miss the initmacy of an adult relationship (of which sex was a part)? If so, it sounds like your wife has far bigger issues at the moment than the physical, and needs to seek support.

But, your opening post could also be read as the hole you stick it in has literally dried up, how do I get her to agree to open a new hole

Hoopaloop · 19/12/2018 14:50

Shoe on other foot here OH became impotent in his fifties I being 7 years younger found it awfully hard

Oh the ironing!

seventhgonickname · 19/12/2018 14:59

Are you still affectionate to each other(without the pressure that it could lead to sex.
If the affection has gone the her libido is not the problem.
You don't say how old you both are.If she is having and early menopause she should see her GP.

tinselduck · 19/12/2018 14:59

@BackBoiler me too, at 39.

The way the OP is writing, the structure of the sentences and the terminology used makes me think that they are not very mature.

Huskylover1 · 19/12/2018 15:03

On the other hand, your empathy, emotional intelligence and basic common sense is evidently seriously lacking. I gave a lot of insight into how my mind works. If you lack the capacity to make sense of that then that is your failing, not mine

See, you just sound like a very angry man, with this comment.

I'll wager my wife and I have a hell of a lot more fun in bed working within our limitations than a lot of people without such limitations enjoy

You seem to be coping admirably, but that's just being silly. I do hope you manage to find a solution though.

Original poster
B1ug1f · 19/12/2018 15:25

Hi. Some people have got the wrong end here. I do not pester my wife for sex. I love her and want to be intimate but don't go on about it. I have said i want her to initiate cuddles and kissing but she doesnt. I know she loves me but has no desire to be sexy ir intimate. She went through mp at 36.she is going to doctors today. Thise that have commented...just have a wank don't get it. I am married to a sexy beautiful woman who us out of reach....

OP posts:
Km06 · 19/12/2018 15:45

I dont think your being unreasonable you also have needs, the understanding needs to be both ways and as much as u understand and try to be patient with her she needs to with u also and u both need to find a compromise, hope the doctor trip is successful

ADastardlyThing · 19/12/2018 17:20

She's not "out of reach" Hmm, she's GOING through early menopause and could be for years. Have a think about that for a minute, its impact on her mentally and physically. Just for a minute.

Aprilsinparis · 19/12/2018 17:50

Just a thought, is it the menopause, or is there another reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you?

Confusedbeetle · 19/12/2018 18:01

Here's how it goes for many post menopause. First, not much appetite, but can be warmed up. Then no appetite and no warming up. Then not really enjoying this, then this is seriously uncomfortable, then I am dreading this. The first few are like people trying to get you to eat food when you are full, it gets worse. Then you get the pestering and guilt tripping. Hugs and kisses are tricky as seen as a green light.
On a sideline, middle-aged men are often not very fanciable....
When my OH also had a drop in libido it was the biggest relief. We had such good sex when we were younger I reckon we had our ration. Those who say the relationship cannot survive, I am sorry your relationship is not bigger that your need for sex. Once you get past all that what you have left is what your relationship is fundamentally. Nor servicing each others needs. Once it feels like that its awful

madmum5811 · 19/12/2018 18:18

Confusedbeetle Wed 19-Dec-18 18:01:29
Here's how it goes for many post menopause. First, not much appetite, but can be warmed up. Then no appetite and no warming up. Then not really enjoying this, then this is seriously uncomfortable, then I am dreading this. The first few are like people trying to get you to eat food when you are full, it gets worse. Then you get the pestering and guilt tripping. Hugs and kisses are tricky as seen as a green light.
.......................

This is also true when men lose interest, hugs and kisses, if I tried to touch OH he jumped as if he had received an electric shock. Physical contact panicked him.

db11 · 19/12/2018 20:17

Buy a non-penetrative clit vibrator such as the jimmyjane form2 (not imposing as it doesn't look like a dick but it does a much better job!) and brush up on your oral technique with youtube. Introduce the idea beforehand and your partner will be only too happy to firstlycome 5 or 6 times in quick succession, and then sort you out. Buy a fleshlight as well and she can use that on you, which is very pleasurable.

Fairylea · 19/12/2018 20:24

Sorry if I’ve missed someone saying this, but if she would be willing to try it you can get oestrogen creams prescribed by the gp which can be used inside the vagina to help with dryness and painful sex - the oestrogen changes the cells in the wall of the vagina but isn’t as absorbed as some of the more traditional HRT treatments so is safer for many women who can’t take oestrogen tablets. I went through the menopause in my 30s for various health reasons and the oestrogen cream (Ovestin) has literally saved our sex life.

nemosparents · 19/12/2018 20:26

One of the most common symptoms of the menopause is loss of libido and unfortunately vaginal dryness. Maybe if you tried to understand the pain by shoving something up your arse with no lubricant whatsoever maybe you could act like a real man and understand not all relationships are about sex and I'm sure she won't be frustrated at you for masturbating.

Original poster
B1ug1f · 20/12/2018 14:20

She has tried cream but it just falls out. Seriously has tried. Suggested other. Going back on hrt maybe the answer with an internal ring that releases oestrogen. I have come on here for advice and whilst some seem to think i am an insensitive git i am not. I am trying to work through this. ...yes i want a physical relationship but despite us previously having a good sex life things have become awkward talikng about it. I am not just lokking to stick it in a hole i want the emotional closeness

OP posts:
ADastardlyThing · 20/12/2018 14:23

All I can see in your posts is " me, me, I, I"

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