Wife no libido

[B1ug1f]

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

But it isn't about intimacy. Op says he craves affection and his only relief is sorting himself out. Affection isn't just sex. Presumably he's tried asking his wife to do things to him but she doesn't or can't. I also imagine that any affection he shows to her isn't for the sake of a hug, but something perceived by her as being mauled and which is expected to lead to sex.
It is all about being relieved of his huge frustration. That's why I likened him to a dog. If his wife held his hand or stroked his hair, both forms of affection, he wouldn't be satisfied. It is his penis he wants affection for.

@B1ug1f
Ultimately strangers arguing with each other are not going to sort this out for YOU.
You and your lovely wife are going to have to chat and explore all the options that are available to you either through medication , counselling , or just self exploration .
There are many ways to have intimacy without PIV , or trying to get your wife to do stuff she does not wish to do.
There are many sites that are available to help you explore each others sensual natures.

And to be fair to the dw she has tried to sort it out, she has been to the doctor, has tried creams etc and they haven't worked. I think the op said she was going to the the doctor's again yesterday. She isn't offering affection, only she knows why, perhaps she feels that won't be enough, perhaps she no longer has any feelings for the op, only she knows. She isn't offering to service him which is fair enough imo, but she isn't doing nothing, that's very unfair. And to the pp who say that when they are not in the mood they will still do stuff for their dp, that is not the same. Having a normal libido and fancying your partner but not being in the mood on a particular day is not the same as having no libido at all, feeling basically dead from the waist down and experiencing pain and possibly even disgust during sex, it's not comparable, and to think you have years and years left of this, and the guilt and disappointment too. It's very sad for both parties.

@CharlyAngelic couldn’t agree more - good post.

Just another idea OP - have you looked at the menopausematters.co.uk website? You’ll find lot of info there - other women’s experiences and ways to help

This annoys me tbh. Would the OP really enjoy whatever sex they had, knowing his wife wasn't enjoying it, and was only doing it to 'relieve' him? I wouldn't, id rather have a wank to be blunt.

Also, all this talk about leaving her, wtaf?! This ain't someone who's faked aspects of their sex life to 'snare' someone and then changed, this is someone who has lost their desire for sex due to a health condition. What happened to 'for better or worse, sickness and health' etc? Surely your relationship is more than sex?

Yes, it is frustrating and upsetting when you've lost that intimacy even when you know why, but sometimes you have to deal with it and realise it's not just about you

70sbaubles

You seem to think that if someone struggling with being forced between living a celibate life, cheating or divorcing his wife is worthy of contempt for showing any frustration at their predicament... Of course a woman (and it applies equally to a man) who no longer desires sex needs to be respected and understood, and not forced, coerced or guilted into anything, but this is a relationship and it’s not all about her!

Your attitude towards men shows a lack of empathy not so dissimilar from those men who seek to force and coerce their unwilling partners into sex.

For those who have experienced a prolonged absence of sex drive who don’t feel able or willing to be sexual with their partners in any way, would you consider allowing your partner to have a sexual relationship elsewhere? If not, why not... why would you think it right to force your partner into celibacy?

I know sex is off the menu but closeness is cuddles, kissing .....as well as the obvious..

And there it is.

You claim that you want affection. You say just cuddles.

But when she tries that you want more.

You want it to lead to... 'the obvious'

Which pisses her off.

So she stops getting within arms reach because every time she does you want more and she has to say no.

There's your answer.

would you consider allowing your partner to have a sexual relationship elsewhere? If not, why not... why would you think it right to force your partner into celibacy?

You are presenting two options:

1. an open relationship
2. celibacy

when in fact the partner has a third option which is to leave the relationship and be single.

But a relationship is not 90% sex and 10% everything else.

People place such importance on sex until they have to chose and then suddenly they start to appreciate the love, company, trust, family, comfort, security, fun, familiarity, care, support, affection and bonding that is all there in a relationship.

Anyone who would give all that up just for the chance of being single and finding someone to have sex with cannot be as invested in the relationship as they think they are imo.

OP would do better to accept his wife and her medical problems. Cherish her the way she is and be grateful for all that they have together. Yes, help and encourage her to find medical solutions but also realise that if it's not possible, her right to not suffer pain for the sake of sex is more important than his urge to ejaculate.

If he could do that and she wasn't afraid of having to constantly reject his advances then the intimacy could start to grow again in their relationship. He should let her lead this. All this pushing is just pushing her away and, yes, it could end the relationship.

Your attitude towards men shows a lack of empathy not so dissimilar from those men who seek to force and coerce their unwilling partners into sex
Wow. Someone arguing that women shouldn't have to service their men's frustrations when they don't want to=a man forcing his partner to have sex.
So I'm a rapist for suggesting that men who expect sex acts to be perfomed on them even when their wife is too ill to are wrong?
Ok then
Sex is a want. Not a need. Nobody needs sex. People on here are acting as though they're being starved or denied of something necessary for life, as though they'll die without it. Come on!
No I won't comment OP for not having an affair. No I won't praise him for being patient when clearly his main focus is not on the wellbeing of his wife, who is trying to fix things medically, but on his own dick.
I think he'd be doing her a favour leaving tbh, let her recover without the pressures of being expected to give blow jobs to sort his 'huge frustration'.
If that's your thinking then you need serious help.

And @Fairenuff has it spot on. There is nothing worse than a sex pest.

Sex is a want. Not a need. Nobody needs sex. People on here are acting as though they're being starved or denied of something necessary for life, as though they'll die without it.

Chocolate from the 24 hour petrol station at 2am is also a want. But a man might decide to go and get for his wife, even though he won't eat it himself, just because he loves her and WANTS to do something nice for her. If he doesn't want to, she can sort it out herself or go without.

If a woman decides to do the same thing for her husband re sex....that's her choice and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Or she can choose to tell him to bugger off. Both options are available.

Yes they are. But Op's wife DOESN'T WANT TO. He's asked, and she doesn't want to. So she shouldn't and doesn't have to.

a man might decide to go and get for his wife, even though he won't eat it himself, just because he loves her and WANTS to do something nice for her

Are you seriously comparing a man picking up a chocolate bar for his wife with a woman suffering painful vaginal penetration?

Relationships are a bit like food. Homecooked meat and two veg are nice, but sometines get boring so if I so fancy I'll have a cheeky burger, or a curry to experience something more exotic. The meat and veg are nice but its normal to get somethink a bit riskier every now and again so i dont get bored.
Shit analogies. Food isnt a tool to abuse someone with.

OP: it’s a pretty shit situation for you and your wife to be honest. I can understand her having a low/nonexistent sex drive and you being unhappy with that. Solutions:

1. seek support/remedies from your GP
2. wait until it passes (or not) and things return to previous (or at least get better)
3. have an open relationship where you seek sex from elsewhere
4. have an affair
5. break up

Up to you I suppose how highly you value the physical affection and intimacy vs your emotional connection. It has nothing to do with being a horny bloke only interested in one thing/being led by your cock etc as some would suggest. I’d argue a woman could find herself in a very similar situation to the one you’re in.

If it was me...I’d probably go through the steps list above in that order. Ultimately the affair might lead to a separation.

someone mentioned about it not just about being about 'the act' but also about beautiful closeness and intimacy etc.

That is of course the case in some relationships, but its a fact that there are plenty of other relationships out there both short and long term where it doesn't really feel like that and it does indeed feel that its about 'the act/ejaculation' etc and it does feel like some kind of 'service' on demand, and if not putting out for whatever reason, they will be pestered. I'm not talking about me, but I have seen enough threads on mumsnet to realise for many women this is the case and no doubt contributes to how they feel.

Are you seriously comparing a man picking up a chocolate bar for his wife with a woman suffering painful vaginal penetration?

I was thinking more about he refusal to get involved in any sexual activity to please her husband, like giving a hand job, rather than suffer pain herself.

Of course she is entitled to say no and refuse to do anything. But in most relationships where people actually love each other, they often do things for the benefit of their partner, with no benefit or detriment to themselves.

If my DH ever called me a "sex pest" for wanting him, I'd be calling him my ex. Abhorrent, abusive language.

If my DH ever called me a "sex pest" for wanting him, I'd be calling him my ex. Abhorrent, abusive language.

Abhorrent, abusive language
Ah the irony

Please do explain.

OP I would hang on in there. Some women find it hard when the only time they are cuddled and loved is when sex is in the man's mind. Back off, cuddle her lots, but do make sure she goes to the GP and/or counselling with you - more to make her feel happier and more relaxed before any discussion down the line about sex. Some women really have a hard time with the menopause as clearly your wife does.

By saying that the one complaining about being mauled is abusive.
An increasing number of men on dating sites refer to themselves as 'tactile' I have noticed. I.e. need constant touch. No thanks.

Vagifem tablets and ky jelly work for me and I'm well passed mp.