Wife no libido

[B1ug1f]

Seen a few similar threads but this has a twist.
My wife has no libido. We have sex 3 times a year if that. I love the thought of having a healthy sex life with her. She has gone through the menopause and is dry down below. She has tried various remedies but have not worked. Sex is painful for her so i fully understand she doesn't want it. I am horny for her all the time.i love her. I have asked her if she would pleasure me or give me oral to take away the constant urge and huge frustrations i have. I know i have to be patient and supportive which i am but i get no effection at all from her. Am i being insensitive.my only relief is masterbation. A womans view would be appreciated

I was thinking more about he refusal to get involved in any sexual activity to please her husband, like giving a hand job, rather than suffer pain herself.

But still. Giving a hand job when you don't really want to is nothing like getting a bar of chocolate.

You really can't compare sex to any other scenario because it just doesn't work like that. If one person is reluctant the other person must back off.

Most people understand this.

Omg baubles this thread is about helping the OP understand his wife, not your views about men in general. Give it a rest - or at least be proactive in helping.

As for those saying he is a sex pest....this is purely assumption. He actually said he does not pester his wife for sex.

But still. Giving a hand job when you don't really want to is nothing like getting a bar of chocolate.

Indeed, getting up at 2am, getting dressed and driving to the all night petrol station probably takes a lot more effort.

You seem determined to impose your view of sex acts on other people. It's a ludicrous thing to do. All relationships are personal to those involved. I know a couple where the stay at home wife has a price list for various sex acts and her high flying husband selects what he wants and pays her. It's sounds ghastly to me but they seem happy with it and have been together over 20 years!

Men have been programmed to think - and act - like their dick will drop off if they don't get "serviced" regularly
Actually, for many men, sex is affection, desire, and validation - proof that the other person loves and wants them physically and emotionally. To be accepted into another person's body that way is a demonstration of trust and desire. To lose that elicits a range of feelings that you are no longer good enough for them and they are rejecting everything about you. And whilst this -> If she doesn’t want any intimacy that is her right. is utterly true, it is not a behaviour that exists in a vacuum. There is an impact on the other person in the relationship.

OP has lost his physical and emotional connection to his partner. He stated she will hold hands or cuddle, but only if he initiates. OP is probably feeling absolutely horrible about himself as a result of this rejection. There are folks on here who would argue that the sudden withdrawal of any affection is a form of emotional abuse.

It's a clumsy argument OP has made, but to regain some feeling of reciprocated sexual desire would do much to remedy his sense of worth and place within this relationship; and OP has thought to canvass opinion on this rather than simply march down that road.

@AdamNichol

To be accepted into another person's body that way is a demonstration of trust and desire

But it's not a demonstration of desire if she doesn't want to is it??? Then it's a demonstration of submission.

Frankly I think anyone who could want or enjoy a sex act they knew the other partner was not enjoying and didn't actually want to do is... very odd. Not to say pathologically selfish and possibly a bit of a sociopath.

Sex is not like a chocolate bar. It's not something one person gives to or does for another, it's something two people (or more) do together. There is no giver and receiver of any act, it's participatory for all involved. Or if it isn't, then it's a sorry situation.

Treating it like or comparing it to a chocolate bar (basically reducing the unwilling partner to a consumable) is like expecting the 'chocolate bar' to enjoy being eaten. It's obscene.

Sex is not like a chocolate bar. It's not something one person gives to or does for another, it's something two people (or more) do together. There is no giver and receiver of any act, it's participatory for all involved. Or if it isn't, then it's a sorry situation.

You are perfectly entitled to view sex that way. You are not entitled to insist everyone else views it that way. And it's not a sorry situation if viewing it like a chocolate bar works for a particular couple.

Anyone who starts off saying "sex should be like this, or that" doesn't really understand the wide variation of human sexuality. And that's a sorry situation.

Frankly I think anyone who could want or enjoy a sex act they knew the other partner was not enjoying and didn't actually want to do is... very odd
Agreed. Couldn't work for me. Beyond the obvious, my self esteem also hinges on the need to feel wanted, so coercion/prostitution wouldn't work (besides hating myself as a human being for doing something like that). Equally, having a wank (as some others have suggested) solves none of those needs either.

It is a bit concerning that some posters on here can't (or won't) acknowledge the difference between a prostitute servicing a dick, and doing something to please a loving partner in a loving relationship (even if not something you want to do all that much). To not want sex is one thing, to hold a callous indifference to the hurt/upset of your partner is something else [I know this isn't true for OP's wife, I'm talking about general postings in here]. Do both parties simply withdraw from any activity they are not interested in until separate lives are being lead?

What annoys ME is the number of (I suspect male) posters who refuse to acknowledge that for some women, engaging in sexual activity (yes, even a hand job) when they don't feel like it is loaded with a shitload more emotion, feelings, and past experience, than, say, getting a chocolate bar from the petrol station.

Also, I forget who I was but someone quoted me about the dick dropping off thing. I get that sex = love for men but so so many men, including the op, don't phrase it in those terms, instead going on about urges and frustrations, not "I feel unloved", and then wonder why their partners feel like just a hole for them to fuck.

A lot of older men lose the ability to have PIV as a result of heart attacks, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate cancer etc. Are we saying here that their wives can leave the marriage and get sex elsewhere as they now have a disability and are no use? I would hope not otherwise elderly care homes will be full of old men. The menopause for some women can be bloody tough too - it isn’t just hot flushes and dryness. It can be lots of different symptoms, feelings etc. Let’s have some kindness. Marriage and relationships are not just about sex. It is part of it like other things are such as companionship etc but that isn’t the only reason we go into a relationship.

Well said Oakenbeach

@BeansandcoffeeA lot of older men lose the ability to have PIV as a result of heart attacks, high blood pressure, diabetes, prostate cancer etc. Are we saying here that their wives can leave the marriage and get sex elsewhere as they now have a disability and are no use?

If the man was totally refusing to get involved in any sexual activity whatsoever and wasn't prepared to engage in helping to satisfy his wife in other ways, then just look thru many of the posts highlighting just that issue. You will see that LTB is a common view.

PIV isn't possible for many couples. But there's other ways to enjoy sex. One person totally rejecting all forms of sex just because they can no longer have PIV, is going to cause issues if the other person isn't on board with that.

AdamNichol regarding the affection thing, OP is the one causing the problem. Instead of letting her be affectionate towards him in a way that she is comfortable with, he is pushing for more. And the 'more' is more sexual.

He says she will hold hands but he wants a cuddle which is physically more intimate.

He says she will cuddle but he wants kisses which is a step further into physical and emotional intimacy.

He says she will kiss him but he wants a hand job which is an intimate sex act.

You get the picture.

So OPs wife thinks to herself, I'd love to give him a cuddle. Oh but wait, then he'll try to kiss me and if I do that he'll want a hand job and that's not what I want right now so I'd have to reject him and that will hurt his feelings again. Dammit. Oh well, I'll just hold his hand.

Of course there's nothing wrong with what OP wants, it's just that his way of trying to get it is pushing her away and making it less likely for him to get it.

If he respected her boundaries she is more likely to let him in and be comfortable in her intimacy with him again.

@AdamNichol

So would you be happy with a partner being upfront and saying "I am so not into this right now, but I love you and I want to make you happy so I'll swallow my discomfort, shrug off my irritation and suck you off now." Or is it also necessary for the reluctant partner to pretend they want to do it as well if they really want to do this kindness for their partner properly?

She doesn't want to do it. Any of it. Whether she actually chooses to do it or not, for whatever reason, the fact she doesn't want to change. So she either continues to not do it (which in your book is showing callous disregard for the feelings of the partner) or she does it and makes it clear this is on sufferance and for his benefit (which if he is any kind of a person will not work for him surely), or she is expected to 'fake it til he makes it' - i.e. to pretend she wants to do something she just doesn't so he can feel loved/wanted AND get his end away. In my view this is the worst of the three options as it involves lying, which is where any relationship begins to fall apart surely?

I get that sex = love for men but so so many men, including the op, don't phrase it in those terms
Not everyone is that self aware.

...I want to make you happy so I'll swallow my discomfort...She doesn't want to do it. Any of it
No. I was saying that in a relationship, you may want to do things that please your partner even if you don't want to do the thing itself. It's a worrying sign for the relationship where this is lost, and one person saying "I don't want any of it and you have to accept this". They are placing their wants as supreme to the other person's; and there are many posters on here who essentially mocked OP for having their wants entirely sidelined.

No. I was saying that in a relationship, you may want to do things that please your partner even if you don't want to do the thing itself. It's a worrying sign for the relationship where this is lost, and one person saying "I don't want any of it and you have to accept this".

So what is your solution to this apart from his wife performing sex acts she doesn't want to perform? It's a bit like having a baby, you can't compromise on it - you either have sex (or a hand job/blow job/whatever) or you don't. She doesn't want to. So you're saying if their relationship is healthy she would have the sex she doesn't want to please him.

I wasn't proposing a solution. It's a question of compatability now. There's not much mid ground for a compromise.
Relationships are built on compromise, not two individuals unilaterally setting terms. Where one imposes a term to the hurt of the other, the damage is done. But many on here were of the opinion that OP had no right to feel hurt

Relationships are built on compromise, not two individuals unilaterally setting terms.

Nail/head.

Relationships are built on compromise, not two individuals unilaterally setting terms.

Agreed... I wonder whether those who have disparaged the OP for being frustrated and upset generally have sexual relationships where they are entirely selfish themselves, where they wouldn’t consider doing anything unless they were directly being pleasured.

On the contrary, @oakenbeach. You have no idea. Literally no idea. What some of us go through. And what some of us endure for our partners. No idea.

Seems a lot of angry people on here.
When a bloke asks for help and advice on here it is asking for just that. On the subject of wanting intimacy. Its not a crime . I love my wife. She knows i am frustrated but i feel ignores it. I don't pester her......

You do pester her because, as I said above, you are always pushing for more. Try holding her hand without trying to cuddle her. Try cuddling her without trying to kiss her.

Just let each moment be a comfortable, intimate moment in itself. If that doesn't bring her closer to you then it might be time to talk about separating so that you can take your chances as a single person looking for more sexual intimacy.

Those are you choices. You cannot make her want you or be angry at her that she doesn't. She can't help the way she feels any more than you do.

I feel your pain OP. I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting intimacy with the lady you love and I understand your feeling ignored. I hope you can find a resolution.

The last time i was sexually intimate with my wife was last september....i am being selfish for wanting a close relationship. I cannot get it in my head that my wife no longer wants what is natural.

It's not natural to want to be intimate with someone you don't fancy. In a new relationship it could be very different for her.

If you split up she may well go on to have a happy and fulfilling sex life with someone else. And so could you.

If you both want to stay together you might have to accept that this is the new normal for you.

Like I said, you can't make her want sex with you which seems to be the only option you will consider at the moment.

Come on. The OP shouldn’t have to live in a sexless marriage.
You do need to talk to your partner OP and ask her if she can see herself having sex again and what steps you both need to take to make it happen.
If she wants to live in a sexless marriage and you don’t, then you do have the option of leaving.
But you’ll only know if you talk to her