To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

[keepingmypeaches]

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

It's really not that big a deal though, is it?

Well, yes. It really did feel like it impacted me at the time, and wasn't pleasant.

Surely everything anyone talks about doesn't have to be a major issue?

It’s really not a big deal. I’m not trying to be mean, I genuinely can’t see why you’d be sad about it?

I haven't given birth and even I can see that must have been horrible.

YANBU. It's ridiculous to expect a woman in labour to be modest. I'd complain to PALS.

You have my sympathy

To be honest, if you want to be naked they should have left you to it.
The end.

'You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''

They sound sensible replies?

I get it. I was in a nightie most the time. But when i was doing skin on skin and learning to feed the midwives who helped kept doing this. I wasnt upset so much as a bit embaressed as i thought it would be nornal for my boobs to be out at this point.
Its not really stayed with me like you. But i can see why it would annoy you. They keep looking up your vag so i cant see why seeing the rest of your body in privacy is such an issue

YANBU, I hate it when people say 'a healthy baby is all that matters', when actually a mum's health (mentally and physically) matters too.

Sorry I agree with them its not a big deal.

A woman in labour shouldn't have to worry about her modesty.

Very odd, most health care professionals don't give a rats ass about nudity. They generally will offer hospital gowns etc but if you're in a private room and are comfortable who cares? Perhaps there's been complaints previously at the hospital?

I just want to say that I know it isn't huge but I just wanted to talk about it to other mums because at the time it saddened me quite a bit. As I say, worse things have happened and they didn't impact me like that. So I just wanted to talk about it

The consultant frustrated me the most. I don't 'cover' feeding my 13 month old. Can't see why I would've whilst trying to establish breastfeeding and having important skin to skin. Again, I made it clear it was fine to come in

I've often seen women minimising other women's bad experiences around birth. I wonder why this is?

I agree maybe there have been previous complaints, or they can’t control who comes into the room ie a male consultant; this wouldn’t bother everyone but might bother some.

It is such a shame people have dismissed your feelings OP

I can totally understand how that would have upset you a bit and that you have posted it a year later actually only shows how it is still playing on your mind.

Sure it is obviously great you have a healthy baby but that wasn't what you were complaining about!

It is like telling people they shouldnt complain about their job because at least they have a job or shouldnt complain about their husband because at least they got married or some other example

I agree it’s not a massive issue, but it would have probably irritated me (and surprised me, given the situation you’d think a naked or topless woman wouldn’t make anyone bat an eyelid).

I also disagree with the comments you’ve got on fb, the idea that if you have a healthy baby you can say nothing negative about anything to do with the labour is ludicrous. I don’t think people apply this principle to other scenarios either, if you posted about something that happened at your child’s dr’s appointment that annoyed you, it would not be seen as reasonable for someone to say “well at least your child is alive.” But something annoys you during labour and people do say “well your child is alive so you can’t have anything to complain about”

Thanks all.

What really bothered me about that Facebook group was the "put up and shut up" attitude. It frustrates me

Other people don't get to decide what has bothered you and what stays with you. Only you can decide that.

It's funny, I had a traumatic birth which was badly handled by the night midwives, but the bit that stays the most with me was when I finally got transferred to birthing suite, in pain, delirious, exhausted, confused - the morning midwives arrived on shift, plonked a radio down and said "we always have music when we work". I remember the look of despair I exchanged with my husband. It was that moment which crystalized for me my powerlessness over the whole process - the whole thing was such a far cry from the planning we had been encouraged to do in ante-natal classes (I was clear I didn't want any music or stuff like that at the birth).

Doesn't sound like a big deal to others, but with all the more serious mistakes that where made, that's the moment which has stayed with me. So I understand and sympathise.

Therapeutic writing helped me to move on from my birth experience (that and insisting on a C section next time!). I hope you find something to help you acknowledge and move on from your own distress/disappointment.

I can totally see why that would upset you. The implications is that your naked labouring body is somehow unacceptable to a medically trained eye. I am really sorry that happened to you.

It's particularly surprising from a midwife, I was naked on and off for both my births, sometimes I covered up again for a bit, but because I wanted to, as I kept alternating between hot and cold.

I am less surprised by the consultant when you were feeding, despite you feeling okay about it, I think it's a slightly different situation and it was probably a genuine desire to protect your privacy.

Other people may feel that it is a non issue, but that just means it would of been a non issue to them. If it mattered to you it mattered.

It sounds like they didn't, in those very brief moments, understand that you definitely didn't mind them seeing you naked. I don't think they were getting at you, or telling you you were wrong, but made an assumption based on experience.

In the grand scheme of things no, it's not a big deal however labour is a pretty amazing time and if somewhat told me to cover up during my labours they would have got told to F%*€ off! Of course you can feel a little sad someone has taken the shine off of your experience.

I was on the SCBU with my son trying to breastfeed and I was asked if I wanted a screen. My answer was "only if you're bothered?" I was comfortable as I was but I was on a public ward so didn't want other mums and dads to be uncomfortable however once I was in my room ( single side room) I was always half naked trying to feed and tough luck to the staff. They work in a hospital surely they've seen everything?

I'd be a lot more sad about being left alone in labour and not being treated properly for your tear - those things are totally wrong IMO. Although I also think a midwife fussing about a woman in labour's clothing was in the wrong, especially if you were happy as you were.

I also had a minor bad experience in labour with a snappy nurse who made me feel stupid and refused to call DH (I was i duced so went through early labour in hospital), and no, it wasn't the end of the world but it does make me a bit sad to think of it. In my case we have a local liaison group for obstetric services so I got in touch with them, not as a complaint but to point out that a bit of kindness goes a long way - they agreed with me and used my experience at a liaison meeting.

I don't agree that women should have to brush off shoddy treatment if they had a healthy baby - that's a bloody low bar in this day and age, frankly. We can't expect perfection, but we can aspire to a bit more than 'no one actually died, this is therefore a wonderful success'.

That said, on a Facebook group there are likely to be women who gave had truly horrendous experiences and I wouldn't choose to share my experience here, personally - it's all about proportion and although we might not have had a great time, it could have been a lot worse. Seeing someone like you or I complaining about relatively minor worries coukd be very hurtful to someone who lost their baby.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, and it certainly didn’t warrant those responses on your group. Being told to cover up on a maternity ward by women’s health professionals is ridiculous, frankly.

Things affect people differently, so what might seem like nothing to one person is a big deal for another. FWIW, when I had my first, I was struggling to feed her, and a midwife suggested a top up and said “she’s obviously starving, poor thing”. That comment stayed with me for months and months after, and sent me into a downward spiral of utter guilt and anxiety. She didn’t mean anything by it, but it was a massive deal to me.

As an aside, I really don’t like the “well, you have a healthy baby, that’s all that matters” line - sure, it’s important that the baby comes out safely, but that doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t be treated with dignity and respect, and with understanding afterwards if their wishes can’t be taken into account for some reason.